Archive for the 'Uncategorized' Category



11
Jun
10

Today we are South Africans

I have a love / hate relationship with this country.

It’s the little things that get to me. It’s the way taxis take to our streets with total abandon and a sense of entitlement that infuriates everyone they cut in front of and crash into.

It’s the way, after all this time, after all the fights we’ve fought, snot-nosed political troublemakers can step into the limelight and set us back twenty years every time they shake their fists in the air and bark their angry, idiotic words, inciting hatred and violence.

 

 

It’s the way a friend of a friend got robbed or stabbed or shot for his cell phone and we all heard the news and said “Thank God it wasn’t worse”.

It’s the way politicians get away with blue murder completely scott free, irrespective of what they’ve done and it’s the way we all bitch and moan about it until we are pulled over for drunk driving and get off on a R50 bribe.

It’s the way I’ve never, not once, wound my window down to give a beggar change. Their faces disappear from my mind the second they vanish in my rear view mirror. An endless parade of ghosts.

It’s the way we can’t forget, no matter how hard we try, that there was a time in this country when our fathers and their fathers before them committed atrocious acts of violence and cruelty because they allowed themselves to be governed by a system based on ignorance and fear.

It’s the way we live in eternal uncertainty, of our government, of our future and of each other.

So why stick around? If there’s nothing left to fight for, why fight at all? There’s a whole world out there full to bursting of greener grass, why not just leave?

I stay in South Africa because underneath everything, I love this country to pieces and I know that I can’t live without it.

Things get bad sometimes and sometimes it feels like we’re backsliding and like the precious balance that we’ve tried so hard to maintain is toppling, but if there’s one thing no one can deny about South Africans, it’s that we are a people who understand more than any other nation on this earth how powerful hope really is.

 

 

From the concrete skyscrapers in Jozi to the open, untouched valleys of the Eastern Cape; from the sugarcane fields of Kwa-Zulu Natal to the baking hot deserts of the Karoo and the proud oceans that wash the shores of this beautiful, haunted country, we are a people who are united by the hardships we’ve suffered and the moments of triumph we’ve shared.

And what better way to celebrate everything we’ve achieved than by inviting the world with open arms to experience what it’s like to live here, under the arching, golden African sun and the endless blue skies that stretch on above us, come summer, autumn, winter or spring.

The beauty of it all is that on some days we might be coloured people, waiting by the bus stop to commute back to Khayalitsha and on others we might be white people from the northern suburbs of Jozi, driving our Audis home after a long day in and out of meetings.

On some days we might be black children, kicking a soccer ball in the streets of Alex and on others we might be Indian women, dressed in brightly coloured saris behind tables of fragrant spices at the Oriental Plaza.

On some days we might be Chinese people and on others we might be Greek. On some days we might be Lebanese and on others we might be Afrikaans or Sotho or Zulu or Venda.

But today, we are all of us South Africans.

 

 

What a great day today is 🙂

-ST

09
Jun
10

Congratulations! 1 x Mind-Blowing Orgasm Coming Your Way

If you had to ask me what I believe in, I don’t really know what I’d say. Organised religion seems really contrived and, let’s be honest, is pretty boring and preachy most of the time.

I do think there’s some kind of bigger, karmic system we’re a part of though, which is why I’ve decided to appeal to whatever Gods may be to reward anyone who visits this site today with a mind-blowing orgasm.

 

 

The beauty of a karmic gift of this nature is you can enjoy it by yourself or with (consenting) others, but just make sure you know what you’re getting yourself into. This isn’t your run-of-the-mill, make-a-funny-cum-face, roll-over-and-go-to-sleep kind of orgasm.

This is the kind that will definitely wake the neighbours and possibly even the dead.

You’re welcome. I was just feeling really generous and in a great mood cause I got interviewed on radio this morning, Maties FM to be precise, the Stellenbosch University campus station.

What’s that you say? You’re suicidally depressed because you missed the interview? Cheer up buddy ‘ol pal, once I get WordPress to do what I fucking paid $19.97 for it to do, you’ll be able to hear it.

Enjoy the orgasm 😉

-ST

08
Jun
10

People From Bellville: Stop Driving Up My Arse

I’m not quite sure how else to go about this, I mean seriously, what’s the fucking dealy-o here? Is Bellville populated entirely with proctologists? Why in the name of sweet, six-pound-four-ounce baby Jesus must you guys drive right up my arsehole every fucking day? Why?! WHYTHEFUCK?!

 

 

[With the notable exception of Supa Dan, he’s a legend and he drives just fine.]

At first it was cute, I just thought maybe people in Cape Town were really friendly and were getting up close and personal to come and say hello or something.

‘Look honey,’ I used to say, ‘that man whose parents are cousins has driven up to say hallo! What a friendly chap!’

Next thing I noticed was that 90% of the folk driving up my arse didn’t have regular CA license plates, they had these screwy ‘CY’ plates and all drove white Cortinas with sheep-fur seats.

‘Who the fuck are these people,’ I remember asking my boss one day, ‘these fuckers that drive up your arse all the time with the CY number plates?’

‘Oh them,’ my boss said, a visible shiver going through him, ‘they come from Bellville…’

If I had to draw up a list of my favourite ways of being tortured, having a buncha mouth-breathing Neanderthals drive right up my fucking arse every day would rate right up there with being raped with an electric drill or forced at gun point to watch a three-hour marathon of the Ellen Degeneres show.

 

 

Here, for the benefit of the inhabitants of HELLville, is a list of reasons why I fucking hate it when you drive up my arse:

1. I’m already doing 140. How fucking fast do you want to fucking drive?! Yes, the speedo on your Cortina goes to 160, well done. Please only reserve that speed for when the police are chasing you.

2. It’s just not fucking polite. We aren’t dogs for chrissake, it feels like you’re sniffing my backside.

3. Why the fuck are you in such a hurry? Struggling with your time management skills a little? Buy a watch and drive like a human.

4. Do you have any idea how quickly you can end up smeared in wet chunks all over the highway at the speed you guys drive at? I’m being dead serious here, I’ve been in an accident on a highway, a woman in the lane next to us blew a tyre and in less than 3 seconds, 5 cars had smashed to pieces, one of them being mine.

Life, my friends, is a precious and fragile thing and believe me, once you’ve ended yours and possibly the lives of your passengers or the other people on the road, the last thing you’ll be saying at the gates of hell will be, “Ja, I’m a bit bummed I’m dead now hey, but JASSIS! Did you see check how fast I was klapping it!”

You aren’t impressing anyone, slow the fuck down.

-ST

07
Jun
10

The Son Of Swords

A story, if you will, one of my favourites:

 

The Prince And The Magician

Once upon a time there was a young prince who believed in all things but three. He did not believe in princesses, he did not believe in islands, and he did not believe in God. His father, the king, told him that such things did not exist. As there were no princesses or islands in his father’s domains, and no sign of God, the prince believed his father.

But then, one day, the prince ran away from his palace and came to the next land. There, to his astonishment, from every coast he saw islands, and on these islands, strange and troubling creatures whom he dared not name. As he was searching for a boat, a man in full evening dress approached him along the shore.

"Are those real islands?" asked the young prince.
"Of course they are real islands," said the man in evening dress.
"And those strange and troubling creatures?"
"They are all genuine and authentic princesses."
"Then God must also exist!" cried the young prince.
"I am God," replied the man in evening dress, with a bow.

The young prince returned home as quickly as he could.

"So, you are back," said his father, the king.
"I have seen islands, I have seen princesses, I have seen God," said the prince reproachfully.
The king was unmoved.
"Neither real islands, real princesses nor a real God exist."
"I saw them!"
"Tell me how God was dressed."
"God was in full evening dress."
"Were the sleeves of his coat rolled back?"
The prince remembered that they had been. The king smiled.
"That is the uniform of a magician. You have been deceived."

At this, the prince returned to the next land and went to the same shore, where once again he came upon the man in full evening dress.

"My father, the king, has told me who you are," said the prince indignantly. "You deceived me last time, but not again. Now I know that those are not real islands and real princesses, because you are a magician."

The man on the shore smiled.

"It is you who are deceived, my boy. In your father’s kingdom, there are many islands and many princesses. But you are under your father’s spell, so you cannot see them."

The prince pensively returned home. When he saw his father, he looked him in the eye.

"Father, is it true that you are not a real king, but only a magician?"
The king smiled and rolled back his sleeves.
"Yes, my son, I’m only a magician."
"Then the man on the other shore was God."
"The man on the other shore was another magician."
"I must know the truth, the truth beyond magic."
"There is no truth beyond magic," said the king.
The prince was full of sadness. He said "I will kill myself."

The king by magic caused Death to appear. Death stood in the door and beckoned to the prince. The prince shuddered. He remembered the beautiful but unreal islands and the unreal but beautiful princesses.

"Very well," he said, "I can bear it".

"You see, my son," said the king, "you, too, now begin to be a magician."

– John Fowles, The Magus

 

 

It’s been a rough couple of days, and as always, I’ve got the scars to prove it.

I fled to Kommetjie on Saturday morning, I needed time to think things through, and I stayed over at my aunt’s place.

She did a tarot reading for me before I left, not a full one, she just asked me to draw a card.

Thing about her is she’s the real deal. We don’t believe in magic because it’s a childish, vague concept. We kill it at every turn and rely on our rational, logical faculties to see us through life, conveniently forgetting that those logical, rational faculties have been shaped and structured and manufactured since the day we walked into school to make us predictable and easier to manage.

It makes no fucking sense to me. People rely on their intelligence to get them through life and wonder why they feel so trapped and impotent.

Anyway, my aunt is the real deal. She’s read up on almost every religion man ever had the crazy-stoned notion to create and has dedicated her life to the arts of meditation and developing her natural intuition to levels that are unbelievably powerful.

I drew one card from her deck = the Son Of Swords – standing triumphant in his battle regalia, his eyes fixed simultaneously on the prize before him and the sun, a symbol of his next conquest.

In his right hand he held his sword, drawn and ready for battle, but in his left, he held a dead dove by its neck and stood in a scattered mess of broken roses.

In that moment I saw her sitting on my bag, crying. I felt her holding me, the softest she’s ever held me, I heard her whispering to me and I felt myself pull away, dump the bag in the boot and drive, not looking back, not wanting to see the destruction in my wake.

A scattered mess of broken roses.

-ST

31
May
10

The going gets tough

The going has gotten tough. Not for lack of inspiration, no. Not for lack of enthusiasm, I’m still as fucking excited about this junkyard site as I’ve always been, it’s just time, time, time, time.

The problem is time, right now I have none. Can’t blog at work, I’ll lose my job. Can’t blog at home anymore, it’s killing me and J-Rab’s relationship as surely as if I came home every night and spent 2 and a half hours jacking off to midget porn.

So yeah, for the time being I’ll be posting less. I’ve only got one day to write the week’s posts, Sunday, which is a problem when, like today, I spent a lot of it with my good buddy Jasey-Got-The-Aceys drinking expensive whiskey and staring out at the Autumn vineyard where I live.

It will get better. This site will always be here and I’ll always be bashing content out whenever I have half a chance, it’s just going to be a little lean and mean the next few months.

So just thought I’d give you all a heads up. Like when you’re in a relationship with someone and they give you the ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ speech.

-ST

28
May
10

Google is Raping My Site!

I’m not sure if I can fucking handle this. I like to think of myself as a man of principle, I ‘stand up guy’ as they say and thus, even though I could be making a tidy packet off advertising on this site, I’ve chosen not to go that route because advertising is horse shit and it’s filling our minds with puke.

Me, I got bigger things in my crosshairs than a couple of Gs a month for some bullshit Life Insurance ads on my site.

So anyway, long story short, for some time now I’ve suspected that J-Rab is shit-your-pants crazy because she spotted some random advert on my site a few months back, which I promptly told her is not possible, because, well, I haven’t SOLD any advertising on the site.

Then today I get back from work and she grabs my hand, without saying a word, marches me to her laptop, and shows me the following:

 

 

It’s fucking Ayoba time?! It’s FUCKING AYOBA TIME?!?! Christ, what the fuck is going on here? Fuck you MTN and FUCK YOU GOOGLE for raping my site like this without my goddamn permission!

How do I stop this? Somebody help me out here, I mean for fuck’s sake, I HATE MTN and everything they stand for, does no one remember my ‘Death By Ayoba’ post?

God, the irony is killing me!

And even worse than that, they stuck this piece of filth up on my ‘White Nipples’ post. How DARE they defile the sacred White Nipples with this garbage?!

I give up. Seriously. I give the fuck up.

Have a great weekend. Me, I’ll be drinking myself to hell and back, screaming ‘AYOBA’ in the streets until the cops lock me the fuck up and hopefully end my misery.

-ST

20
May
10

The Face Of Things To Come

Reading this site, you might not think it, but there is actually an over-arching plan that I put in place the day I first started blogging that I am slowly and steadily working towards.

It’s been a dream of mine for as far back as I can remember to team up with my friends and produce a whole bunch of radass media, everything from comic books to TV series, to movies, I got ideas up the wazoo for all kinds of crazy shit, just ask J-Rab, she has to sit and listen to me brain-shit all this stuff out all the time.

My problem is I never had the stones, right in the beginning, to pursue my dreams. I chose a life of comfort instead, something predictable, something that paid the bills and kept me in hair gel and smarmy golf shirts while the twisted, artistic creature inside me started to wither and die.

I used to have enough songs to write an album. Stuff I wrote myself and used to bang out, drunk and heartsore, in bars all over the sleepy varsity town where I grew from a boy into a man. Now I can’t even remember the chords, never mind play them.

It’s been weeks since I even touched my guitar and when I do, I punch out a few chords and then lay it back down. What if the same thing happened to my writing? What if all these fucked up crazy-assed words inside me woke up one day and just stopped fighting?

What if the same thing happened to me?

I ain’t gettin’ any younger and I’ll be damned if I’m going down without a fight. I got big plans, but I can’t see them through alone.

Luckily, I’ve met some good people in my life and those good people have gotten together recently and together we’ve taken the first few steps toward something that I really hope is going to rock this world.

It launches tomorrow. But in the meantime, here’s a little something we’ve been working on.

Think of it as the face of things to come 😉

 

 

-ST

18
May
10

The SlickTiger Guide To Klapping Gym Boet Part 2: Know Your Blonde Belter

Hazit ma boychies!

Flip okes, but the response to my last piece about KLAPPING GYM BOET was off the flippin’ chain! I’m seriously CHUFFED that so many charnas out there care so much about getting TANNED, MASSIVE and RIPPED, WEARING TIGHT VESTS and LOOKING TIT (thanks Gary)!

The next question charnas seems to be asking now is how do you know a chick and her mate are BELTERS? What if you think a chick’s a BELTER and you BANG her and her friend only to wake up the next day once the roids have worn off to find you banged a couple of GROT OTTERS by mistake?

Another charna who is MASSIVE and RIPPED sent in this pic, asking, ‘Haai Slick! I banged this chick and her friend from the gym after getting MASSIVE and RIPPED, are they belters or what charna!’

 

 

All I can say to a question like that is flip oke, ARE YOU STUPID? What the hell were you THINKING?!

These are the unhealthiest chicks I have EVER SEEN! Did they die from malnutritionment after you were finished BANGING them? They’re WASTING AWAY oke! The one’s not even blonde enough and needs to PULL UP HER FLIPPIN PANTS and KLAP SOME GYM BOET!

When I said blonde belters, I meant BLONDE BELTERS charna! Now if you’d banged THESE two chicks, THEN I’d be IMPRESSED ma boych!

 

 

Of course now a lot of you will look at these BELTERS and notice that ja, something’s not quite right with the chick on the right. OF COURSE SOMETHING’S NOT QUITE RIGHT WITH THAT CHICK! SHE HAS NO TAN!

HERE’S a much better example of how a healthy tan can turn an ordinary chick into a BELTER:

 

 

And so, here are a few tips for all the MASSIVE and RIPPED charnas out there about the right kind of things to look for in a BELTER.

 

THING NO. 1 TO LOOK FOR IN A BELTER: LADYLIKE

I can tell you right now that being a oke who is MASSIVE and RIPPED myself, I often hang around with chicks that yes, are BELTERS, BUT just don’t know how to act like ladies instead of GORILLAS.

These GROT OTTERS think it’s lekker to do things like SMOKE, SWEAR, EAT CARBS or only do gym six times a week. They also think it’s kief to just say whatever the hell THEY WANT without first asking a man’s PERMISSION – NOT ACCEPTABLE!

OKES, this is not LADYLIKE BEHAVIOUR. If a blonde chick or her blonde chick friend try any of this, choon them straight, ‘Hey GROT OTTER! Stop acting like a flippin’ TRAILER PARK TRASH! You aren’t BRITTANY SPIERS!’

A chick must be ladylike at all times or THAT’S IT! Tell her to HIT THE ROAD CHICK. Here’s a ladylike chick to show you what I mean:

 

 

THING NO. 2 TO LOOK FOR IN A BELTER: NAUGHTY

Okes, please don’t think that just because a chick is LADYLIKE in public, she can’t have a bit of a naughty or fun side as well behind a closed doors. No charna wants a chick and her blonde belter friend in the bedroom who aren’t a bit wild or don’t know their way around a tube of KY Jelly, a traffic cone and a car battery with lekker nipple-clamps.

Check this chick out. She was an ex of mine. Jealous yet? Ja, EXACTLY!

 

 

There is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with a chick like that okes, NOTHING. So why did we break up? Ja, it’s a bit of a sensitive topic hey… I dunno… life just took us in separate directions. I mean, I’m not saying that I caught her KLAPPING GYM behind my back or using my credit card to have KAKLOADS OF EXPENSIVE SURGERY or anything, so ja…

BUT, THE NEXT DAY I found pictures on the interweb of an even NAUGHTIER BELTER, Chrissie, and let’s just say that she had the pleasure of some SlickTiger boerrie with cheese sauce THAT night 😉

 

 

THING NO 3. TO LOOK FOR IN A BELTER: OUTDOORS TYPE

A BELTER must also like the outdoors life of tanning for 7 hours straight, jetskis, H2O parties, doof doof music and klapping gym IN THE GARDEN.

Don’t believe me that such amazing BELTERS exist? Boet, open your EYES charna! They’re ALL OVER the interweb!

 

 

 

What’s also nice is when they do outdoor activities like WASH MY CAR. Here’s another ex-cherry of mine, in a lekker bikini doing a practise run of WASHING MY CAR. Always make them PRACTISE FIRST or they’ll probably BREAK the car.

 

 

THING NO. 4 TO LOOK FOR IN A BELTER: A WINNING ATTITUDE

Now okes, this is an important one so don’t stuff this one up. Too many of my charnas get with girls who NEVER STOP COMPLAINING when us gym boychies leave self-tan on the couch, make huge PROTEIN BAFFS, or shoot so many steroids our chelogers go INSIDE US.

To all those okes stuck in kak relationships like that out there, I have only one thing to say: DUMP THOSE LOSER GROT OTTERS AND FIND A CHICK WITH THE RIGHT ATTITUDE!

THIS chick, for example, you can tell has a GREAT attitude.

 

 

So charnas, stop settling for second-rate chicks, you’re MASSIVE and RIPPED now! You look TIT oke! Flippin’ go in for the big time and bang two flippin HOT blonde belters now that you know what to look for!

Also, if you’d like to send pictures or videos as proof that’s also fine. I’ve still got plenty of pink heart stickers left, so DON’T BE SHY, send me some lekker pics and always remember: KLAP IT BOET!

Until next time ma boychies!

-ST

16
May
10

Saturday In Jonkershoek – A Photo Journey

It’s funny how ‘the real world’ has this way of catching up with you sometime in your 20s. One minute life is kinda breezing along like it always did, and the next you’re elbows deep in bills, car insurance, medical aid, deadlines at work, traffic, grumpy co-workers and then what? Marriage, children and a whole other heap of stuff I don’t really want to think about right now.

Sometimes you’ve just got to leave all that shit behind you and go for a walk. That’s what J-Rab and I decided to do on Saturday. We packed a backpack with a couple of beers and drove about 15 minutes to the Jonkershoek Nature Reserve where we had lunch and took goofy pictures of each other.

 

 

After lunch we entered the reserve, excited as kids at Christmas and got a killer picture of us getting ready to hike the SHIT out of that place.

 

 

The road we took meandered round in a wide circle past a huge dam and through a pine forest. The smell of pine needles, the cool, fresh feeling of winter’s edge biting through the dappled afternoon sunshine.

We talked about a different life for us, a different future where J-Rab becomes a rich and famous model and I become an award-winning novelist and script-writer, and we pose on magazine covers together and holiday in exotic places that we sail to on 500ft luxury yachts with all our friends.

“It’s on the cards babe,” I told her, “it’s fate, you can’t fuck with fate.”

All around us, mountains stretched up to the sky and I wanted to climb the highest one and stand on the top, my arms outstretched in the sunshine and shout down into the valley below in my own invented language until my voice got horse and the people listening all chuckled and, shaking their heads said, “Crazy fucker…”

 

 

I know Saturday is probably going to be a day I’ll remember for a long time because it was simple and easy and filled with laughter, J-Rab’s and mine. Days like that you lock away somewhere deep inside and, when times get bad, you take them out again and hold them up to the light and remember that life was better once, and it will be better again.

 

 

-ST

12
May
10

Kill The Pig! bash him in!

In my day dreams sometimes I crash-land on a desert island with the people I work with and somehow we all survive it.

 

 

I watch everything unfold in my head, the initial shock of the crash slowly being replaced by child-like wonder as we take in everything around us and start exploring the island and building shelters and forming friendships based not on some manufactured hierarchy, but rather who can actually protect and lead everyone.

Sooner or later though people would start to argue and get bitchy about who gets to boss who around because we’d be getting hungrier and wilder with each passing day.

I think at that point I’d probably strike out, fashion some kind of weapons and go hunt for weeks on end, picking my way through the jungle, learning how to move without sound, learning how to track animals, learning their patterns.

I’d get dirty and cut and scratched and bitten. My hair and beard and nails would all grow and I’d shed weight until my ribs stuck out like xylophone keys and I could put my hands around my waist and nearly touch my fingers together.

 

 

At night I’d burrow into the forest floor and cover myself with earth and leaves and lie there, humming half-remembered songs and having long and intense conversations with no one in a language that only vaguely resembled English.

Nothing would matter anymore except food and water. Those two things would consume my every waking thought and the status reports and brainstorming sessions and seminars and client expectations that used to guide and govern me would fall away completely and be replaced by the stark and terrifying reality that I was finally in control of my life.

Ironically I’d probably wish for my old life back. That’s the funny thing about humans, we are totally incapable of handling the freedom we are given. We design all kinds of social structures and institutions to get rid of that freedom at all costs and then complain that our lives feel controlled and dogmatic.

I’m not sure how the day dream ends. Maybe I eventually do kill something and I take it back to share it with everyone back at the shelters and they welcome me back like a returning hero.

Maybe it goes the other way and I stay in the jungle for a good, long while, trying my damndest to forget everything about my life and letting my mind unravel completely until I become nothing more than a drooling animal, ruled completely by instinct and base desire.

I guess it all depends on whether or not I can get over whatever it is that’s dragging me into the jungle and actually start writing worth a damn again.

Hahahaahahaha! Fuck.

Easier said than done…

-ST