It must have been a truly epic, universe-changing moment the first time man sat down to write something and after accidentally placing a colon next to a closed bracket, realised he’d just made a smiley.
“Hey guys! Guys! You gotta see what just happened!â€
“What, what did you do? Cure cancer? Discover a cure for AIDS? Become immortal? TELL US!â€
“Something way, way better than all those things. Check it out…â€
🙂
“Woooaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh… That’s… that’s fucking AWESOME MAN! It’s like, now when I’m happy, I don’t need to write ‘I’m happy’ I can just use that convenient arrangement of punctuation, hooray!â€
And so on, and so on.
Of course once emoticons started being used (which Wikipedia tells me was sometime around 1982), teenage girls the world over took things to a whole other level and before we knew what hit us, there were literally hundreds of the fucking things smiling, winking, crying and frowning their way across cyberspace at us like a yellow circus of over-emotional disembodied heads.
And yet, as with most things in life, when faced with so many choices as to how to express oneself through the use of these clever little icons, most people defaulted to only using one, two at the most, over and over and over again.
So here’s a summary of your current state of mental health according to the emoticons you use the most often based on extensive scientific research by SlickTiger Industries. Dig it.
The Regular Smiley
Emotionally bankrupt. By far the most common of the whole bunch, people who use regular smileys are uninspired, emotionally distant, bored and boring. Don’t be fooled into thinking they are happy. These people need industrial strength anti-depressants to feel anything close to happiness.
The SUPER SMILEY
Psychopath. People who use the SUPER SMILEY are hiding something. No one is that happy, it’s just not humanly possible. There’s a good chance this person has just murdered someone in cold blood and fed their remains to pigs. Never go to a cabin in the woods alone with the SUPER SMILEY person, and if you do, you better make sure it puts the lotion on its skin…
The Winky Face
Paedophile. Either that or deranged sexual predator. Even the name “winky face†immediately conjures mental images of the old dude in the brown duster that used to hang around our pre-school with a bag of candy and a grin that would make Freddy Kruger run crying to his mom. The Winky Face says “I collect restraining ordersâ€. Unless you ever had a burning desire to have your face printed on a milk carton, run far, far away.
The Shocked Smiley
Closet nymphomaniac. The whole acting shocked thing is all a big lie – this is the internet fer chrissake! NOBODY gets shocked anymore. If you’re blind dating a girl who sends this emoticon at any stage during your correspondence, you can bet money she’ll put out on the first date. If a guy uses this, I got bad news ladies, he’s a flaming homosexual.
Pulling Tongue Smiley
Junkie. Pulling Tongue Smiley users are strung out on drugs and have been for quite some time now. The pulling tongue smiley is commonly interpreted as being fun or cheeky, but don’t be fooled. This person does boatloads of drugs, and not the good variety. We’re talking about the kinda guy that huffs glue and paint fixative to wake up in the morning and then klaps a button of Mandrax mixed with BB tabacco in a hollowed out koki for breakfast. This person WILL steal your stereo at some stage or another, that’s a given.
Sad Face
Emotional blackmailer. People whip these bad boys out when they want to lay the guilt on nice and thick. “Wen u comin home? :-(“ or “Missd u @ church y/day :-(“ are common examples of how this emoticon is used to dial the guilt right up to the “1000 hail Marys†mark. People don’t use these when they’re sad. They use them when they want to make YOU sad. Don’t play those petty games, tell them to man up and get off the fucking cross. The world has enough martyrs.
Crying Face
Suicidal. But not the “I’m going to eat a bullet†kind of suicidal, more like the “I’m going to go put my head in the oven now†kind of suicidal. These people cut themselves with pencil sharpener blades and then blame it on their non-existent cats. They listen to Anthony And The Johnsons and read to old people and secretly pray they’ll never live that long.
Nothing Face
Sociopath. Probably the most obvious of the whole bunch. On the outside this person is a respected investment banker, but behind closed doors he chops people up with an axe whilst humming Huey Lewis And The News songs.
So there you have it boys and girls, all the most common smileys and the associated mental disorders of their frequent users summed up based on decades of extensive research.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I gotta go pick up a random hitch hiker and take him / her through to this great little cabin I found in Elgin, super stoked
-ST
