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03
Jun
11

100s Club – It’s AWN!

By SlickTiger 5 Comments
Categories: Tiger Guides
Tags: , , , , , , ,

This weekend we man the fuck up.

 

 

We don’t sit around wrapped up in our adorable little scarves with our ironic T-shirts, skinny jeans and quaint hats, fuck no!

We don’t listen to arty-farty indie folk bands and smoke our medium shag rolleys whilst talking about some obscure bistro we found that serves the best aubergine pate we’ve EVER tasted, fuck no!

This weekend we batten down the fucking hatches with a case of quarts, that’s right, QUARTS motherfuckers, and we grow a pair of fucking huge, hairy, ugly BALLS!

So get some dirty overalls, break out the Motörhead and prepare yourselves.

We’re joining the 100s club Winking smile

 

The Rules

1. You drink one shot of beer every minute for 100 consecutive minutes
2. If you pee, it’s game over
3. If you vom, it’s game over

It’s genius in it’s simplicity, but getting this one right ain’t as easy as it sounds. Listen up, the following information will make or break your 100s club attempt, trust me, I’ve done this twice and the first attempt WAS NOT pretty.

 

Preparation

A little advice before we begin from your Tiger pal:

  • Hit the liquor store. A shot is 30mls so 30mls x 100 minutes = 3000mls = 3litres. That’s right, you’re going to drink 3 litres of beer in just under two hours. Imagine inserting a beer drip directly into your arm and letting it drip continuously into your blood stream for 100 minutes because that’s pretty much EXACTLY what 100s Club is like
  • A quart is 750mls so 4 and you’re all set, but definitely get 5 to compensate for spillage
  • Also, stock up on as many plastic shot glasses as possible while you’re there, I’d recommend at least 20 per person, I’ll tell you why later
  • Give yourself about 40 mins before you start to wring your bladder dry and DO NOT drink anything. Depending on your constitution you should be able to handle the 100 shots without chundering, but you’ll probably need to piss so bad you’ll end up tying a knot in your dick to try and relieve the strain on your internal organs
  • Get a tray, lay all the shot glasses out and start filling them up before you start. This will save your fucking life. The flatter the beer the less chance you’ll end up like me the first time I tried this. I got the 100 shots down in 100 minutes but the second the last one was down I sprinted to the bathroom and puked foam. I’ve never felt so bloated in my entire goddamn life! My stomach had turned into a gigantic, badly poured 3 litre draft because the buddy I did it with and I only had two shot glasses, don’t make that mistake
  • Appoint a referee, someone to keep time who can put up with you at your very drunkest and won’t be tempted to get hammered themselves. Without one, by the time you’re 50 shots in the game will have already degenerated into a beer-fuelled nightmare of “Whassa fuckin’ TIME man?! Aren’t we supposto havanother shot now?” and “I don’ mean thisina fucking GAY way oranything man, but I love you dude, ok?” No. Not okay. A referee is non-negotiable
  • Don’t make any fucking plans. You do not want to be seen in public once your 100 minutes are up because trust me, it will get messy and if you even CONSIDER getting behind a wheel, I will track you down and beat you so hard you’ll be shitting teeth for a WEEK

 

 

That, gentlemen, is the mission this weekend. I’m going to tell you straight up that I won’t be joining you on this one because for one I’m too fucking poor to splurge out on anything that isn’t crucial to my basic survival and for two, after getting my 100s club wings twice, I think I have sclerosis.

Good luck out there. And if you do decide to attempt it, be sure to take as many pics as possible to prove it and send them to Uncle Slick. You’ll instantly get an honourable mention on the site and all the goddamn glory you can handle.

Make me proud you sick basterds.

Make me proud Winking smile

-ST

02
Jun
11

In the forests of Chernobyl…

By SlickTiger 2 Comments
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

I watched this Vice Magazine DVD awhile back where the writers went to all these really horrible and fucked up places basically so that they could show the world how bad these places really are so you’d never have to visit them yourself.

“The Vice Guide To Travel” I think it was called.

Anyway, one of the places they visited was Chernobyl where they walked around with a device that measures the radioactivity of the area around you and in most places it wasn’t actually that bad, but then they got a whole bunch of guns and struck out for these woods where the radiation levels are dangerously high to go hunt fucking mutant animals.

Apparently they exist. These animals that somehow survived but are really badly radiated and as a consequence give birth to offspring with hideous birth defects. Mutants basically, but not the cool X-Men kind with rad superpowers, more like the real life kind that haunt your nightmares.

Of course, the Vice crew never finds anything and they just write the whole experience off as a dumb idea and go back to their normal lives.

It didn’t stop me wondering what was in that forest though, slouching through the snow and dead trees. Something that was never meant to exist, some creature twisted and bent, it’s genetics rotten to the core, doomed to live a year or two at most, its natural instincts and intelligence warped into something that was never, ever meant to be.

Something… like this…

 

 

Intense.

-ST

01
Jun
11

The Ivo Vegter Solution to Our Country’s drug problem

By SlickTiger 4 Comments
Categories: Killer Posts and Satire, Irony And Vitriol
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I was fresh out of varsity when I met Ivo Vegter in the infamous courtyard that was at the centre of ITWeb’s old offices in Rivonia and though I was at least 5 or 6 beers in, I remember it well.

Ivo was engaged in a passionate debate with someone (I forget who, but you can bet your ass they were probably losing) about how environmentalists are full of shit and I was listening with rapt attention.

See, Ivo is a fascinating person. He has an intellect that is so staggering that is it a truly epic experience listening to the man argue a point. Plus he has a powerful command of the English language and a vocabulary that is so brobdingnagian he is probably one of the few people who knows what that word even means.

 

 

Ivo currently writes for ITWeb, Brainstorm, Car Magazine and one of my favourite sources of news, The Daily Maverick which, in my opinion, is one of the few bastions of legitimate, quality journalism South Africa has left.

Ivo fearlessly bangs out a column for The Daily Maverick every Tuesday that covers such a broad variety of topics it’s hard to believe the pieces that get published all come from the same person.

I take great pleasure in reading Ivo’s work not only because he’s great at taking the most controversial and often least popular standpoints on sensitive subjects, but his writing is so damn well researched, backed up with legitimate facts and figures and unapologetically honest that it often leaves me grinning from ear to ear because holy shit, the man can argue a point.

 

 

His most recent column really caught my attention though because it deals with the controversial topic of the merits of legalising drugs and not just the softer variety, but EVERYTHING.

It’s an extreme viewpoint and one that, at the time of writing this, has already inspired a number of comments on his piece, many in favour of the legalisation of drugs.

On the surface, Ivo has a solid argument, but it fails to address some very important issues which is why, for once, I’m not sure I entirely agree with him.

Ivo argues that “the criminalisation of drugs is often the cause of drug-related crime, rather than it’s solution” and suggests that instead of threatening people with violence and prison for being involved in any way in the manufacturing, distribution or consumption of “illegal substances”, drugs should be fully legalised and more effort should rather be spent on educating people about the dangers of drugs to discourage first time use.

His argument is also based on the premise that if someone wants to do drugs, they will find a way to fulfil that need no matter how hard law enforcement tries to stop them. Prisons, as one of his commenters points out, are rife with drugs and ironically a lot of prisoners come out of prison more addicted to drugs than they were when they went in.

 

 

So fine, in theory his argument is sound – legalise drugs so that they can be better regulated, remove the social stigma associated with taking them and educate people as much as possible so that they know and understand the inherent risks involved in taking drugs.

If people do decide to go off the deep end, invest time and effort in rehabilitating them properly instead of casting them out of society and writing them off as junkies.

There’s one thing his argument fails to address though, and that’s teenage kids.

Presumably if you made drugs legal, you’d have to impose some kind of age restriction on them or you’d run the risk of having curious seven year olds getting loaded on blow. So let’s say, for argument’s sake, that drugs were illegal for kids under the age of 18, like alcohol is.

Ivo’s argument is that you’ll get the kids who are naturally curious or naughty and want to experiment and those who don’t, whether drugs are legal or not, and I agree.

 

 

BUT, if drugs are legal, it makes it that much easier for kids to experiment with substances that can instantly fuck them up for life than it would be otherwise.

I was curious as a kid, I wanted to experiment with stuff I wasn’t supposed to be experimenting with, so at 12 years old, me and a friend I got shit-faced on his dad’s supply of Two Dogs Alcoholic Lemonade whilst on holiday one night after the folks had gone to bed.

Had we been educated about the dangers of alcohol? Yes. Did we know what we were doing was dangerous to our health and could lead to addiction? Yes. Did we give a rat’s ass about any of that? Hell no.

Of course the next morning we woke up feeling like ass, our parents shat us out from a dizzy height and, our curiosity satisfied, we carried on with our teenage lives and are now gainfully employed, contributing members of society.

Let’s, for argument’s sake, replace the godawful sludge we drank that night with 2 grams of pure, uncut cocaine and think for a second about how that scenario might have played out.

Our risk of getting instantly hooked would have been a thousand times higher, our little binge would have most likely have cause lasting damage to our brains and I can almost guarantee you that from that moment on, we would have both spent the rest of our lives chasing that first immaculate high no matter what the cost.

 

 

Sure, maybe we are an example of those kids, the ones who would have experimented no matter what, but the frightening thing is that nearly everyone I know experimented with alcohol before the age of 16 in some form or other because it is so readily available, who’s to say they wouldn’t do the same with class A drugs?

The sad fact is that everyone I’ve ever met who experimented with class A drugs under the age of 16 end up developing such a hopeless addiction that by their mid-twenties all they live to do is get high and by their thirties, they are completely burned out and unable to function in any way that could vaguely be described as ‘normal’.

All the education in the world can’t stop teenage rebelliousness. As it stands, thanks to the criminalisation of drugs (as backward as it might be) far fewer young teenagers are experimenting with them than there would be if they were made 100% legal.

There’s definitely a middle ground that Ivo touches on in his argument when it comes to the policing and education behind drugs and drug use but to legalise them all outright would be to open up a can of worms that would eat through the fabric of society faster than an addict could vacuum an eight-ball.

-ST

31
May
11

Brotips – words to live by

By SlickTiger Leave a Comment
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

People who follow me on Twitter might have been a little confused a few weeks back when I randomly started sprouting profound wisdom in the form of “Brotips”.

When I discovered this website I felt pretty much exactly like Moses must have when he came stumbling down the mountain with those gigantic stone slabs of rules and stuff that God gave him.

 

 

I have all the answers guys and no, this isn’t like the time that guy gave me that pamphlet by the robot, this shit is flippin legit!

Brotips is basically a goldmine of advice about life that is funny, poignant, and bizarrely profound without being lame or shit in any way.

Brotips range from the relatively obscure (“someone has to eat the last slice of pizza. be rad enough to deserve it, but bro enough to turn it down”) to bastardised quotes from famous people (“’anyone who has never fucked up never tried to do something rad’ – Albert Brostein”) to badass relationship advice (“getting angry at people because they won’t date you gives them another reason not to date you”).

 

 

There’s really nothing that Brotips doesn’t cover and it’s growing by the minute. Every day brings at least another 5 new Brotips so even though the site was launched in April (from what I can tell) there are already 650 tips up there.

Be one of the first to tell your Bros about the site and remember, “being a real bro to someone means you aren’t afraid to smack some sense into them if necessary”.

THEM’S fightin’ words Winking smile

-ST

30
May
11

The Tiger’s Top 5 Music Cardinal Sins

By SlickTiger 12 Comments
Categories: Being Slick, Killer Posts and Satire, Irony And Vitriol
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Let me kick this one off by admitting that yes, I’m a music snob. I’ve been one since I was about 11 or 12 years old and the older I get the worse it becomes. I am fully aware and comfortable with that fact, it’s never going to change because I’m never going to try and change it and here’s why.

I judge people openly when it comes to music because it’s such a powerful force in my life that it’s like a fucking religion to me. Forget heaven or hell or Jesus or Krishna or Brahman or Satan or God or Santa and the Tooth Fairy. They may or may not exist and I couldn’t really care one way or the other because in music I’ve found a higher power that accepts me for who I am whether I’m wretched and seeped in sin or rolling holy and righteous without a goddamn care in the world.

 

 

To say it puzzles me when I meet people that are completely indifferent to music would be a gigantic understatement. I’ll never say it openly because I learned back when I was a kid that no one likes having someone else’s opinion rammed up their butt, but when I meet people that say or do one of the following things my estimation of them immediately plummets to the same level I reserve for people who’s biological parents are blood relatives.

 

THING NO.1 – We’ve just met, I ask you what music you’re into and you shrug and reply, “Oh, I dunno, anything really…”

It baffles me how many people say this, especially girls. There are a number of reasons people say this about music, namely:

  • They don’t want to say something you might think sounds stupid so they’re going to sit on the fence on this one and hope for the best. Get off the fence. Admit to your love of Norwegian Folk Metal, fly that flag brother! I’d rather hear ANYTHING than the sentence in bold underlining above.
  • They’re drawing a total blank. This happens, just breathe and try to calm down a little, I’m not going to bite your head off if you say you’re into someone I think is shit. You can listen to whatever the hell you want… except Nickleback.
  • They honestly don’t give a rat’s ass what’s playing. They will listen to commercial radio stations like 5FM every day of their lives from the minute they wake up until the minute they arrive back home after work and not even notice when the same song gets repeated 6 times in as many hours. I mean fuck’s sake! I don’t even listen to the songs I like six times a day because by day two I’d be bored to tears of it. These people cannot be saved. Their favourite movie of all time is Mr Bones. Just… give up.

 

THING NO.2 – People who describe music that is even slightly down-tempo or sad as “slit-your-wrists music”

I can’t tell you how much this infuriates me. People who expect music to have the same effect as Prozac are, nine times out of ten, terminally boring human beings.

A perfect example of this actually happened to me recently when I was copying some music over to a friend’s laptop who is totally clueless about music (some gems while I was copying the stuff over were “Foo Fighters? What do they sing?” and “Oh Green Day, I like them! Can you give me the first album, the one with American Idiot on it…”).

Her friend, the music expert, was sitting with us, advising her what to copy and what not to copy when we came across Ben Harper.

“Ben Harper?” she said, “Who’s he?”

“He’s a bit like Jack Johnson,” I replied, “they actually tour together quite a lot.”

“Yeah, but it’s real ‘slit-your-wrists music’”, the expert chirped in.

“It is, but unfortunately all my ‘High School Musical’ stuff is on my other drive, sorry,” I replied in my head.

 

 

Walk away son, walk away.

THING NO.3 – People who pull you aside to play you a song that sounds like utter crap and then ask you what you think about it

Bonus points if they give you their greasy earplugs to put in your ear and double bonus points if they know what you’re into and are deliberately playing you something they know you’ll hate in some misguided effort to try and reprogram your musical taste.

For these people, music is an argument that they must win at all costs. If you do not like the music they do, they will make you like it or they will die trying.

Despite what you might think, while I am a music snob, I am not one of these people. You listen to whatever the hell you want to listen to, I’m totally fine with that. Just don’t make me listen to it, respect the fact that our tastes are different and let’s both just carry on with our lives shall we?

THING NO.4 – People who only buy “Best Of” or compilation albums

Why the fucking fuck would you ever want to buy a compilation album, ever? So you can hear the same old songs that artist has had playing on the radio for the last God-knows-how-many years all over again?

Here’s a crazy question: What if you actually stepped WAY out on a limb and bought the album that one or two of those songs appeared on? And here’s another wild thought: What if you found that your favourite track wasn’t actually one of the ones that gets played on the radio all the time?

Why, that song would become “your” song in a way that the one that everyone knows and loves never could. It would have a special meaning to you and who knows? Maybe one day you’ll meet someone else who also fucking loves that song and you’ll instantly share a connection that is actually meaningful.

You know what my favourite Beatles song is? I’ll give you a clue, it’s not “Hey Jude”, it’s not “Yellow Submarine” and it’s sure as shit not “Yesterday”.

It’s “Rocky Raccoon” because it’s a story about a guy who’s lady runs off with a total jerk so he goes to kill the guy and ends up getting shot by the dude instead. Then this drunk doctor fixes him up and he just kinda carries on with his life.

 

 

Poetry I tells ya! Winking smile

THING NO.5 – Playlist Trolls

They lurk in corners at parties and wait until no one’s looking so they can hijack the playlist and make it their bitch.

They won’t relinquish power, take requests or play anything that has any merit whatsoever.

Expect Vanilla Ice. Expect Abba. Expect “Bohemian Rhapsody” at full volume. Expect Mr fucking Jones. Expect Rod Stewart. And just when you think things couldn’t possibly get any worse, expect “Barbie Girl” or fucking Whigfield being blasted at you until your skull implodes.

What’s worse is they’ll play the same kak song three times, occasionally back-to-back just so you can get an intimate insight into what their hellishly mediocre lives must be like.

If you’re a person who is guilty of any of the sins listed above, there is good news. I’m offering free lobotomies all week to help you overcome these terrible afflictions, just hit me on tellthetiger@gmail.com and Uncle Slick will make everything better or your money back! Winking smile

-ST

27
May
11

Baby Shrapnel Gets The Tiger Stamp Of Approval

By SlickTiger 1 Comment
Categories: Being Slick
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

As a prolific South African blogger, I’m pretty much swamped on a daily basis with emails from my readers, most of which feature pics of charnas (or belters) who are MASSIVE & RIPPED because, you know, I wrote the whole ‘Klap Gym’ thing and that’s pretty much all I’m known for.

“SlickTiger? You mean the oke who wrote Klap Gym Boet? Fuck I LOVE that oke’s blog!”

“Really? You don’t say. So what’s your favourite post?”

“Klap Gym Boet!”

“Huh. And your second favourite?”

“Ektually, that’s all I’ve read hey?”

That’s all he’s read. That, the TV Guide and the fucking menu at Spur are what he considers ‘high quality literature’. Klap it boet.

 

 

So I get this email from a dude who calls himself “Josh” the other day with a YouTube link to the first episode of an animated show his mates put together called Baby Shrapnel.

So, having nothing better to do, I watched the first episode and actually found myself sniggering at some of the jokes which provoked me to dig a little deeper and man-o-man did I find some awesome, fucked up shit.

There’s an ENTIRE SEASON of this, ten episodes, and it’s basically the crappest show I’ve ever seen, but fuck me it’s funny.

The overriding impression I get from the show is that creators Hugh Upsher and Graeme Barnes couldn’t really care less if anyone actually likes / relates to / watches the show and the result is a collection of some of the most random content I’ve ever had the pleasure of watching.

 

 

Most of the show is a badly animated dude sitting on a couch with a sock puppet on his hand making random observations about everything from car guards to hipster beards to plasters for black people, sandwiched between hilarious rip offs of the ads we love to hate and badly animated skits that are flush with toilet humour (yes, that just happened) and more atrocious animation.

Here’s episode 9 to give you an idea of what the show’s like. I’d highly recommend checking out more here if you like it.

 

 

Have a killer weekend party people. I’ll catch you crazy kids on Monday Winking smile

-ST

26
May
11

SlickTiger Rocks The Xbox Kinect (week2)

By SlickTiger 2 Comments
Categories: Uncategorized
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Today is exactly two weeks since I hooked up my Xbox review unit with the Kinect sensor and started jamming the three games that came with it (Kinect Adventures, Dance Central and Kinect Sports) and to be perfectly honest, the novelty is starting to wear off.

In the beginning I raced home to fire up the Xbox and get my game on, anxious to get stuck into a mean 100m sprint in Kinect Sports or unlock the next difficulty level in Kinect Adventures, and lemme tell you, you can work up a mean sweat playing those games, its a far more intense gaming experience that the Wii is but that’s exactly the problem.

 

 

I got over all the effort involved. Sometimes you just want to sit on your ass and mash a controller like there’s no tomorrow. All the running / jumping / ducking / throwing / retarded dancing just gets a bit much.

When coming home from work I’d think to myself Ok, I could spend the next few hours exerting a lot of energy I don’t have right now playing Kinect games OR I could sprawl on the couch, drink a beer and do fuck-all… Tricky one…

Either that, or if I did have the energy, I’d just go to gym, klap some cardio and weights and leave feeling like I’d actually had a solid workout.

The Kinect games I’ve been playing require just enough effort to be tiresome when you’re not in the mood, but when you are in the mood, playing them doesn’t leave you feeling like you’re getting stronger or fitter in any way, which kinda begs the question, what market are they aiming for here?

The ‘casual gamer’ was a term that started getting some mainstream coverage when the Wii first landed, because that’s who Nintendo defined their target market as. In other words, regular folk who don’t game until their eyes bleed but wouldn’t mind a spot of Wii tennis with some friends if their picnic / social badminton league got cancelled.

 

 

Nintendo got it right because Wiis were priced lower that Xboxes or PS3s and so casual gamers thought ‘Why not? Sounds like a lark!’

But would they do the same for an Xbox / Kinect system that’s priced R2 700 more than a Wii? (According to www.take2.co.za where a new Wii is R1 599 and a new Xbox with 250Gb hard drive and Kinect sensor is R4 299)

Yeah, don’t hold your breath on that one. If you’re going to fork out that kind of money for a console, you’re probably a serious gamer and no serious gamer is going to jump around like a fairy playing Kinect games when there’s the promise of serious violence, bloodshed and murder to be had in games like Gears Of War or Call Of Duty.

Sure, it represents a major break-through in controller-less gaming, but what was so bad about controllers anyway? It’s a noble effort to get gamers off the couch and doing something healthy for a change, but let’s be honest – those fat bastards aren’t going anywhere.

 

 

Oh, and one last thing. Remember when I said that the Kinect takes pictures of you while you game? Yeah, well good luck getting your hands on them! I tried to track mine down so I could post a few to liven up this review, but was told by the kind folks that lent me the Xbox to review that the only way to do that was by connecting your Xbox to the internet and visiting https://kinectshare.com/.

I asked if I could connect using a 3G card and was told that you can, but you have to plug your Xbox into your PC via an Ethernet cable, configure a whole bunch of settings, plug your 3G modem into the PC, connect the normal way and then test the connection on the Xbox.

Obviously none of this worked, but I used my brain to figure out the glitches and an hour later actually got the Xbox to connect via the 3G modem plugged into my laptop.

Then I had to wait for another 30 mins while the Xbox downloaded 100MB of updates, after which I went through the whole mission of setting up an Xbox Live account and FINALLY when that was done, I was ready to get the pics off https://kinectshare.com/ using the… Xbox… internet… um…?

 

 

Great. So what the fuck am I looking for here? Internet Explorer? How exactly do I get to the site https://kinectshare.com/ using an Xbox? I asked Google and it told me to download some kind of fucking third party browser that only works if your machine’s been chipped which was a fat lot of fucking good.

Some other forum I read said you can use the Windows Media Centre feature on the Xbox to browse the internet, so I tried that too and 30 minutes later, after jumping through God-knows-how-many hoops to get my Xbox talking to my PC so I could configure the media centre I get a fucking message that’s so awesome you can’t even take a screen grab of it (they all turned out black) that basically says:

Go fuck yourself.

 

 

It’s now nearly twelve o’clock at night. I’ve been trying to get those fucking pics of me dancing around like a poof off the Kinect for the last four hours and truth be told, I no longer give a shit.

For my last week with the Xbox, I’m begging, borrowing and stealing games from my buddies where I get to sit on the couch and KILL THINGS. I’ll leave all the girly dancing up to the girls I work with when I bring the Kinect in to work tomorrow for a ‘games evening’ we’ve arranged after work.

And this time around you bet your ass I’ll be taking the pics with my trusty N8 rather than have to rely on the imaginary ones the Kinect may or may not have been taking.

-ST

25
May
11

Awesome Stray Cat Recipe

By SlickTiger 12 Comments
Categories: Killer Posts and Tiger Guides
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

So yeah.

As you may have read in my posts here and here, J-Rab and I are struggling a bit at the moment to make ends meet.

It’s sad really, when I consider how much I fucking hate poor people, that I ironically seem to have become one.

There was a time when I couldn’t decide whether to blow my extra cash on extravagant trips overseas to exotic locales or invest it in prime beach-front real estate, it was a tough call and really used to stress me out.

 

 

Well, I’m glad to say that those stressful days are over. Now I scrape every cent I have together to just try make rent every month and beg the rest from kind people at the intersection of Roeland and Buitenkant.

However, you’ll be pleased to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel now that I have discovered one of the best kept secrets in affordable cuisine – stray cats!

The idea came to me when I stumbled on the vacant lot behind the Waterfront R10 parking one evening, right as the animal rescue people arrived to feed the literally thousands of stray cats that live there.

 

 

Naturally I begged to be fed some of the delicious cat food as well, not because I’m turning into a fokken prawn, but rather because it sure as hell beats eating YOUR week-old garbage.

The animal shelter people turned their noses up in disgust when I approached them and refused to make eye contact when I humbly asked for some delicious, crunchy dry cat food to get me through the night.

It was a new low for me and for a moment I hated those lucky stray cats, but the moment soon passed because like me, they were loveable in a mangy sort of way and they smelled delicious!

I lured one of them back to my flat with a brick and a plastic bag I fished out of a dumpster and got to work preparing this awesome, cost-effective meal:

 

Stray cat and lentil soup

 

 

Ingredients:

1 x Stray cat (tabbies work best, but failing that a nice ginger cat will do. For God’s sake DON’T go for a Siamese, they have a very low meat:bone ratio)
1 x Chicken stock cube
1 x Bag of red lentils
50g shredded ginger
1 x lemon (squeezed)
1 x bottle of Old Brown’s Sherry

Method:

Dice cat-meat into small cubes and soak in half a bottle of Old Brown’s Sherry to disinfect and flavour it while you drink the other half of the bottle to keep warm.

Boil up a pot of water, add the lentils and chicken stock cube and allow it to simmer for 40 mins. Add the cat meat right after along with the ginger and juice from the lemon and allow to simmer for as long as your relentless hunger will allow.

Ladle the soup into a tin bowl and slurp it down, making sure to dribble some into your matted beard for a snack later.

Et voila!

A word of warning though, I got first dibs on the cats behind the Waterfront. If I catch any of you greasy basterds down there helping yourselves to my stash, so help me God, I’ll jab a rusty screwdriver in you faster than you can shout “Help! A bergie’s trying to kill me!”

 

 

Ain’t life peachy.

-ST

24
May
11

Treefiddy Review: King Willow – Introductions and Demonstrations

By SlickTiger Leave a Comment
Categories: Album Reviews
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

The Down Lizzo:

King Willow is the sickest band you’ve never heard and I’d say it’s high time you did something about that.

This frighteningly talented 3-piece are based in London, but two of the members (guitarist, vocalist and frontman Matthew Schönborn and bassist Darren Beukes) are born and bred Saffas, though listening to them you’d never think it.

 

 

Take The Mars Volta, mash their intricate staccato melodies with the heavy-as-fuck, blunt force of Deftones’, wrap it up in a multi-layered soundscape of Muse-like synth effects and hey presto! You’re facing down the behemoth that is King Willow, and the guys did everything (except recording the drum parts) by themselves in their home studio.

 

 

How “fuck-your-cousin” sick is that!

Sick Tracks

“Foxes” twists and turns dextrously through clean, tight strumming patterns to a climactic, thick and heavy chorous riff, brought to life through sticksman Wojciech Hydzik’s staggering array of varying beats and fills.

From Beukes’ fuzzy bassline at the start, to Schönborn’s bone-chilling guttural roar in the bludgeoning chorous, “Death On A Pale Horse” kicks you square in the balls, takes it down a notch for a melodic interlude, and then kicks you square in the balls again. Listen out for the fucking amazing scream that Schönborn unleashes like a man possessed at the 3:20 mark. Goddamn beautiful.

 

 

I could go on. I could write about the eerie, whispered vocal lines and broken jack-in-the box guitar tones of “Lapdance” or the total change in pace that is the quiet resignation of “Magdalen”, but I’m fast running out of words here.

Let’s just say that there is something about every track on Introductions & Demonstrations that is either haunting, beautiful or badass.

Should You Give A Shit?

Yes, you should give a shit.

You should download the demo here, play it to your friends, play it to your enemies, and when this band is headlining at every major stadium across Europe someday, you can turn up your nose at all their screaming fans and say, “Yeah, well I knew them from when their first demo dropped…”

 

 

Kudos to the King Willow boys for one of the best demos you’re likely to hear in a long, long time.

Here’s “Death On A Pale Horse”, enjoy 😉

Final Verdict: 9/10

-ST

23
May
11

SlickTiger Industries Creates Sickest Nandos Ad Known To Man

By SlickTiger 13 Comments
Categories: TigerTV
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I caught wind of this radass campaign that Nandos are running at the moment where they are shooting a whole bunch of ads that explain the “Dubious History” of their famous peri peri sauce.

They’re posting all the episodes to this site: http://howfarwillyougo.co.za/ and then giving ordinary folks like you and me the opportunity to take a stab at what happens next in the ads.

You can either write in (must be 280 characters or less) or submit a 30 second video entry and if your submission makes the top three in terms of number of votes you win an African holiday to the value of R20k!

I’m not too fussed about the holiday to be perfectly honest, I just wanted to whip out the ol’ Nokia N8 again, wear my underpants on the outside in public and shoot some crazy shit.

Here are the fruits of my labours*. If you dig this, hit http://howfarwillyougo.co.za/ads/episode-1/ and click on “like” (to the right of the video), literally takes 3 seconds.

 

 

You guys fucking rock. Let’s let the Tiger loose on AFRICA bitches! It’s been ages since I’ve had bilharzia!

-ST

*Disclaimer: If my ad makes absolutely no sense, it’s because I shot it before the Nandos one was uploaded onto the site and NOT because I’d smoked too much tik that day.

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