Author Archive for Slick Tiger

« Previous Entries
Next Entries »
28
May
12

Kevin Spacey Is A Douche

By SlickTiger 4 Comments
Categories: Being Slick and Satire, Irony And Vitriol
Tags: , , ,

74177850EA006_Gotham_MagaziWhich is a pity. Because I really used to like Kevin Spacey – he seemed like a really nice, genuine guy. A stand-up dude who would recognise amazing talent the second he saw it.

That’s what motivated me to enter the Jameson First Shot competition at the end of last year. Ol’ Kev was running the competition and it sounded like the break I’ve been waiting for.

It was pretty straightforward; write a seven page script for a short film, send it through and if Kev liked it, he’d let you direct it while he acted in and produced it.

I went all out. I wrote a script that melted fucking FACES, man! EVERYONE who read it was like, “Holy shit dude. You just mind-fucked me so hard my brain is dribbling out my fflleelruirsrhushr!”

But did I hear back from my buddy Kev? No. I did not. So fair enough, I let it slide. I’m sure there are way better writers and way better scripts that were entered, no hard feelings.

Until I saw this. The winning short from SA.

 

 

A dentist. Who helps pirates. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight…

Then I saw this interview on my favourite South African show of all time and instantly understood why the flippin “grenaad-mond” who wrote and directed that went for the dentist angle.

 

 

Eloquent chap, ain’t he?

What gets me is that part of the brief was to submit something that hints at a bigger story so that if the short does well at the film festivals it plays at, it could get funding to be made into a feature film.

Would you watch a film about a pirate dentist? What’s the bigger story here? Does the dentist end up getting caught up in a swashbuckling pirate adventure after Jack Sparrow swoops in for an emergency root canal treatment?

Level with me here guys, because I’m too close to this to be an impartial judge.

Would you have chosen that script to win?

-ST

25
May
12

Andy Samberg’s Speech At Harvard

By SlickTiger Leave a Comment
Categories: Radass Videos
Tags: , , , , ,

600full-andy-sambergWhy in God’s name you’d want to book Andy Samberg as the special guest speaker at a Harvard graduation ceremony is totally beyond me, but the results are goddamn priceless!

From hitting on all the hot moms to hitting on all the hot dads (?) to doing awesome impressions, from the minute Samberg gets on stage to the minute he gets off he basically says nothing of any real value, academic of otherwise.

If this is the way the world is heading, I can tell you two things about the future of mankind: 1. We are going to get a LOT dumber and 2. It’s going to be goddamn HILARIOUS!

Enjoy Winking smile

 

 

Who knew the man could nail a Nick Cage impression so well?!

Loved every minute of that.

Have a killer weekend party people. Next week Ill try not to be such a lazy ass about posting Winking smile

-ST

24
May
12

3 MORE Tips To Make Your Life Too Awesome To Handle

By SlickTiger 1 Comment
Categories: Killer Posts and Satire, Irony And Vitriol
Tags: , , , , ,

cheesy-smileGreat news guys! I’ve gotten my hands on some more life-changing tips to make your life too awesome to handle!

So grab a pen from the handy craft caddy I showed you how to make the last time I made your life too awesome to handle and let’s take the awesomeness of your life to a whole other level!

And no, I don’t HAVE to end every sentence in this post with an exclamation mark, but enthusiasm is contagious and nothing says “I’m enthusiastic” better than CAPITAL LETTERS, EXCESSIVE PUNCTUATION AND ANTI-DEPRESSANTS WASHED DOWN WITH AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF RED WINE!!!!!

Tip #1:

Use a simple household comb to prove to your friends once and for all that you are homosexual

 

 

We’ve all been in this situation. You buy an alluring salmon-coloured, alpaca sweater, you put it on for the first time before heading to a mate’s place to watch the big game and the minute you walk through the door your buddy’s like, “What the fuck dude? Is there something you wanna tell me?”

Well, thanks to this handy tip, you’ll never have to hear that question again! The next time your buddy wants a hand with some home DIY, take a comb along to hold the nails in place while you hammer them at impossibly skew angles into any surface!

Just make sure you practise this one at home first. I’ve already shattered 17 combs getting it right, but trust me, it’s totally worth it when you see the look of realisation on your friend’s faces after you show them this handy tip.

Tip #2:

Roll your cables up in tubes and carry them wherever you go

 

 

We’ve all been in that life-threatening situation where an electronic device such as your cell phone or laptop is about to die but you left the cable at home!

Well, if you combine the tip above with a condom and a tube of KY Jelly, you’ll never be without cables ever again!

Just carefully roll up the cables you need, put them in an empty toilet roll as shown, stretch a condom over the toilet roll, smear it with the KY Jelly and gently insert it into the handy storage compartment located beneath your nether regions.

Just be sure to rinse the cables off before you use them. Failing that, if someone asks what that smell is, I usually just blame it on a “rat that’s died under the floorboards”.

Tip #3:

Reuse things like a homeless person

 

 

Who knew that a simple Pringles container is the prefect size to store spaghetti in?!

Certainly not the guests that I had around for a party the other night, one of whom opened the container, tipped it upside down thinking chips would come out and poured my spaghetti all over the floor!

“What the fuck bro?!” he chirped, cheekily, “who the fuck keeps pasta in a fucking Pringles tin?!”

“I know right!” I replied. “Genius, isn’t it?”

“Sure is!” he replied staring at the pasta which was now stored not-so-conveniently all over my kitchen floor.

“Don’t worry about picking it up, I know a great trick with a vacuum cleaner and some pantyhose that I can use, I just need to get the cable out,” I said, unbuttoning my jeans.

“I’m fucking leaving,” he said, “you are a sick, sick man.”

And he was right. I am sick. Sick to the power of rad because thanks to my work colleagues relentlessly sending me these handy tips over email, my life (much like my ruptured colon) is too awesome to handle!

-ST

23
May
12

Short Story: Dead Ringer

By SlickTiger 3 Comments
Categories: Short Stories
Tags: , , , ,

mental1It’s been nearly a year since I last posted a short story on this crazy junkyard site, but that’s not because I ain’t been writin’ ‘em!

The following piece is one of my more recent attempts. It’s based on a writing exercise I did a few weeks back that I think turned out pretty well.

I call it Dead Ringer.

Maria woke in a warm sluggish fog of dreamy half-thoughts. She struggled unsuccessfully to open her anvil-heavy eyelids and take in her surroundings. She felt warm and cosy and could taste the damp, earthy scent of fresh pine.

A languid contentment spread through her as she surfaced from the deepest sleep she’d ever experienced. Her thoughts drifted and changed like smoke-shapes in murky light. Memories of Dr Mormo floated into focus, the acrid smell of his skin, the sound of his baritone whisper in her ear during their lascivious encounters.

“I will save you…”

She sighed sleepily and tried to swallow but her oesophageal muscles rubbed like sandpaper behind her cotton wool tongue.

The rusted iron taste of thirst caught in her throat. She was getting hot. She imagined cracking a window open and drinking the cool night air in, the scent of blooming jasmine floating up to her from the garden she played in as a child.

Those were better days… before the doctors and the smell of iodine, the constricting leather straps, the torture, the humiliation. The icy steel clamps holding her eyes open. The things they made her watch…

Dr Mormo said he would get her out. She remembered the sting of the needle as he slid it into her, the lava hot tetrodotoxin burning through her veins.

“When you wake my love, this will all be over…”

It was getting hotter and a deep-down ache was settling into her muscles. She turned to roll over, but her shoulder grazed against rough-hewn pine boards, the same ones she was lying on, the same ones that surrounded her on all sides.

Her eyes snapped open violently as she started screaming.

The dark came flooding in.

-ST

21
May
12

The Tiger Gets Diablo III. Bangs. Head. Against. Wall.

By SlickTiger 3 Comments
Categories: Being Slick and Satire, Irony And Vitriol
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Diablo_III_coverTwelve fucking years man, twelve fucking years! That is a long-ass time to wait for a game sequel to come out – you’d expect the final product to run like clockwork, right?

WRONG MUTHUFUKKAH! On the weekend I got my dirty paws on the “Starter Edition” of D3 just to see if my Macbook can handle it before I fork out R630 rand on this game.

Cause that’s a lotta flippin’ DOUGH y’know? Almost half a tank of petrol right there!

After some issues with the guest pass, I download the game (it’s nearly 8 gigs so prepare yourself for some hardcore bandwidth face-raping) and fired it up, all excited and ready to slay EVEEERRRRRYYYYYYTTTHHHIIIINNNNGGGGGG!

I got a solid 5 – 10mins of playing time, enough to choose a character, storm the gates of New Tristram, decimate about twelve undead rotters and level up to LEVEL 2!

 

 

Satisfied that it was up and running I then made the rookie mistake of logging out and carrying on with life, thinking I could just log on again in the evening and get a good couple of hours in before I hit the hay.

Boy was I wrong. Ever heard of Error 3003? How about Error 37? Google either one of those and you’ll find about a bazillion complaints about how difficult it is to actually play Diablo III.

From what I can tell, the game plays a lot better if your machine is a PC, meets the minimum requirements comfortably and is connected to a decent WiFi / fixed line.

If, like me, you are running the game on a Macbook with the bare minimum specs and a 3G line, you might as well just give up now.

 

 

I didn’t even get far enough to see how the game actually plays out when you’re getting swarmed by the minions of hell, but from what the forums say it’s buggy and generally doesn’t play well on a Mac so I don’t really have high hopes.

Of course, it didn’t help that the European server was down yesterday evening, that could have been what was causing all the errors but still, what the fuck Blizzard?!

Making us log onto the Battle.net server just to play the game is total bullshit. I fully understand that it’s the best way to guard against piracy and hacking, but it’s also the best way to alienate, frustrate and generally fuck with everyone who ever loved and played a Diablo game.

 

 

You should never have to log onto anything to play a game solo. Blizzard, you need to sort that shit out for two very simple reasons:

1. So that we can all actually PLAY THE GAME.
b. OVERNIGHT the volume of traffic on the battle.net servers will drop substantially, thus freeing them up for the guys who DO want to play multiplayer.

Needless to say, I’ll attempt to log on again tonight, and the night after that and the night after that because the 5 – 10 mins I got to play were pretty rad, even if I had to scale the graphics down so far it ended up looking like Diablo 1.

In other news, if anyone wants to hook the Tiger up with a gaming laptop, you will be HANDSOMELY rewarded… (with meatballs).

-ST

18
May
12

The Tiger Listens To 5FM, Gets Scarred For Life

By SlickTiger Leave a Comment
Categories: Being Slick and Killer Posts
Tags: , , , , , ,

blow-torch_01For about three years, maybe more, I flat out refused to listen to commercial radio in South Africa and my rationale was pretty simple.

I don’t listen to the songs I like five times a day, so hearing music that infuriates me on infinite repeat was about as fun as shaving my balls with a blowtorch.

Recently though, maybe because I’m getting old or because my fighting spirit has been broken, I’ve been listening to 5FM in the mornings because sometimes I get a chuckle out of it, with the exception of this morning when a woman phoned in and scarred me FOR LIFE.

It started out innocently enough – a woman who sounds like she’s in her 40s calls the station to tell Gareth this ambling story about how she wished she’d gotten through for some competition or other about things you’ve fixed (or something like that, I’ll be honest, at this point I wasn’t paying much attention, the conversation was pretty boring).

 

 

Gareth asked her if she enters a lot of competitions because she sounded like one of those creepy serial competition-entering types and she said no, her job doesn’t really allow for that.

“Why?” asked Gareth, “Do you work in a sweatshop or something?”

“No,” she replied, “I work in the morgue.”

Just wait, it gets better / worse.

“Oh wow, that’s pretty hectic,” Gareth said, “what do you do there?”

And I shit you not, her reply (which is still echoing in my head) made me feel intensely uncomfortable.

“I put humpty dumpty back together again,” she said, as the whole of South Africa whispered “what the… fuck…?” in morning traffic.

 

 

No one in the studio seemed particularly distressed by this news at that point and started firing all these questions at the woman during the course of which another two nuggets of disturbing shit dropped out (wonderful mental picture right there):

1. She works exclusively on CHILDREN
2. She will sometimes work on as many as 9 A WEEK!

They asked her if she gets to see a psychologist as part of the job, to which she replied “No, I don’t.”

Now, I don’t want you guys to get the wrong idea here, what she does is a necessary service, and one that probably makes it easier for grieving parents and families to say goodbye, but still, it gave me the willies man!

“I put Humpty Dumpty back together again…”

 

 

And just like that, the nursery-rhyme analogy makes perfect sense.

Because it’s children…

If anyone needs me, I’ll be staring unresponsively off into space, probably until Monday…

Have a… killer weekend? Disappointed smile

-ST

17
May
12

Why Don’t You Read The Oatmeal?

By SlickTiger 1 Comment
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

oatmealI try to stay as up-to-date as possible on the interwebs, but with the sheer volume of content out there, it isn’t humanly possible to catch EVERYTHING first.

Most of the people I know are the same, with the exception of a few laggards who rely on people sending them content in clipart-heavy emails.

So usually when I’m talking to someone about a badass site on the interwebs that has been up for a few years, they know what I’m talking about, with the notable exception of one of THE best sites on the internet, The Oatmeal.

If you guys don’t read The Oatmeal, you HAVE to sort that shit out right away. Go there now and read EVERYTHING. It beats the shit out of reading this junkyard site – go! Scoot! We can’t be friends until you’ve read everything on that site and can quote it verbatim.

 

 

To get you started, here are some of my favourites:

Why Working From Home Is Both Awesome And Horrible

6 Reasons To Ride A Polar Bear To Work

How God Is Managing The 2011 Rapture

Why We Should Be Eating Horses Instead Of Riding Them

6 Reasons Bacon Is Better Than True Love

This isn’t on his site, but it’s his work – The 8 Phases Of Dating

So what, right? The guy draws some funny cartoons, gets a few laughs, big deal, who gives a fuck?

Well, the reason I decided to feature The Oatmeal today is cause yesterday I came across his latest piece on why Nikola Tesla was the greatest geek who ever lived and it blew my mind.

Thing about Matthew Inman (the guy who does basically EVERYTHING on The Oatmeal) is that for all his toilet humour and weirdness, he’s actually a really smart guy who from time to time, makes your brain LEARN SHIT.

Matthew, I hope you don’t sick the pterodactyls on me for stealing this piece dude, but it’s awesome and my readers need to know this shit.

Check it.

 

 

Some epic shit right there boys and girls. Some epic sheeit indeed.

Who knew Edison was such a gigantic fuckstickle?! “Don’t talk to me about X-rays, I’m afraid of them.”

Hahahahaha! What a fucking douche-tard.

Other level shit people.

Other. Level. Shit.

-ST

16
May
12

Okes Who Like To Klap It #14: Mullet CHarna

By SlickTiger 3 Comments
Categories: Klapping It
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

he-manHazit boychays and belters!

Remember sometimes ago when I wrote about how once in awhile a charna comes along who is a boychay who is a insp-HIRATION to other boychays, a oke who is UNAFRAID to flippin become a MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE like the ultimate gym-klapper of all time and my personal hero HE-OKE?

Ja, well that charna, who okes now call THE CHOSEN CHARNA, has done a flippin OFF THE CHAIN video he asked me to put up a few days ago but I forgot because I was in court after this thing that happened at Tiger Tiger where I took too much JUICE and put some okes in hospital.

I mean seriously?! How’s this: this bloody moffie-oke comes up to me and has the flippin’ BALLS to say “Sorry man, have you got a light?”

I mean, what a CHOP! “Seriously oke,” I said to him, “are you chewing a brick or are you looking at me? Either way you gonna LOSE YOUR TEETH!”

But forget that kak. Check out this schweet video, which has all my 3 favourite things: charnas, doof-doof music and H20!

 

 

But wait okes! It get’s better!

If you’re one of the first 50 okes to leave a comment after this post, you’ll get a free, flippin’ MASSIVE-SIZED poster* of that very charna from the video that you can hang on your living room that looks like this:

 

 

BE a charna, GET the belters and be the AWESOMEST OKE YOU CAN BE.

FISTSPLOSION!

-ST

 

*A4 MASSIVE BOET! OTHER LEVEL SHIT CHARNA!

16
May
12

Treefiddy Review: Silversun Pickups – Neck Of The Woods

By SlickTiger Leave a Comment
Categories: Album Reviews and Sick Tracks
Tags: , , , ,

12027_01The Down Lizzo:

Silversun Pickups carved out an interesting sound with their first two albums that hovers somewhere between 90s alt rock and 00’s noise pop.

The result was some pretty intriguing, broody material that, for all it’s shoegazing tendencies, also delivered a solid, satisfying punch to the gut when it needed to.

Not so much on the band’s third album, Neck Of The Woods, which features all the epic build-ups and breakdowns this band is known for, but very little of the gutspa that made their previous two albums awesome.

In a sentence, it’s an album of stadium-sized ambitions crippled by chronic stage-fright.

Sick Tracks:

Having said that, there is still enough solid material on this album to warrant a listen, just don’t come with the expectation their first two albums created and you’ll probably find a few gems if you scratch around a little.

The warm guitar tone and frantic riff on “Mean Spirits” grabbed me from the get-go as did the way they tear the ass out of the chorous.

 

 

I also appreciated the fact that they save one of the best tracks for last – “Out Of Breath” builds slowly to a machine-gun stuttering drum beat in the chorous before wandering off and losing focus somewhat.

“Here We Are (Chancer)” is a nice change of pace and might be the only song on the album they give some space to breathe.

Should You Give A Shit:

I really don’t know how to answer this question, which I guess is a kind of answer in itself.

With most songs clocking in at the 5 minute mark, a lot of the songs are drawn out way longer than they should be.

 

 

Add the mid-tempo pace of 70% of the material on this album and the result is an album that limps along, getting lost in an introspective, other-thought structural muddle of competing melodies.

It’s all snarl and no teeth, sadly.

Here’s “Mean Spirits” so you guys can decide for yourselves:

 

 

Final verdict: 6/10

-ST

15
May
12

Retarded Family Invites Apex Predator Into Home

By SlickTiger 4 Comments
Categories: Satire, Irony And Vitriol
Tags: , , , , , , ,

C19AF8A2F4825A69DC504852CD8Human beings are by far the dumbest creatures on this planet. We think we’re so much better than the rest of creation because we’ve learned to harness it, but what are we doing with all that godly power?

Destroying everything we see. Pulling the rug out from under our own feet, burning through the planet’s natural resources faster than you can blink an eye.

We think we are somehow above it all, like we somehow know and have always known best. We do not learn from our past mistakes. Case in point, Brakpan residents Michael and Jacqui Jamieson, who have adopted a “pet” Bengal tiger.

They call the tiger “Enzo” after carmaker Enzo Ferrari (classy) and from what I can tell they’ve had it since last year August when the tiger was a cub.

Now Enzo is weighing in at about 50kg, which is about a quarter of what his full adult weight will be, you can see from the pictures below that he’s already looking pretty goddamn huge, but this is nothing compared to what ol’ Enzo will look like when he reaches maturity.

 

 

And yeah, I’m sure the Jamiesons (who have no less than 12 dogs and 6 cats) are kind, loving, caring foster parents to Enzo and give him all the love and attention he could ever wish for, but I can guarantee you that no matter how well they try to raise and domesticate this tiger, it will not end well.

J-Rab has worked with a whole range of big cats from lions to pumas to cheetahs to leopards and of course, tigers and while she formed the closest, most intimate bond with the tigers she worked with and loved them to pieces, she always had a healthy respect form them.

The reason why is simple. Tigers are vastly intelligent creatures. They have the smarts of humans combined with the instincts of an apex predator, backed by over 200kgs of bone and muscle. Throw in 5 inch (12cm!) canines and claws that could tear your entire face off with a casual swipe and you’re basically living with death incarnate.

 

 

One day, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow or the next day, but one day that tiger’s going to wake up in a shitty mood and when “dad” starts on his, “off the couch kitty!” bullshit, ol’ Enzo’s genetic legacy as the fiercest apex predator on the planet is going to kick in and IF the Jamiesons survive that day, every one after it will never be the same.

A very dark, very sick part of me says “fuck it”. Let ‘em keep the tiger. It’ll be the first fair fight between man and tiger to happen in a very long time, let’s see who comes out tops…

But of course, it’s never fair is it?

If the tiger so much as lays a claw on either of those people, it’ll be deemed a danger to society and put down within a week.

And trust me, it WILL lay a claw on these people. Here are some videos that prove that fact:

 

 

Here’s one of the tiger riding around in Michael’s Lamborghini. Responsible.

 

 

Am I being a jerk here? Am I out of line in calling these people retarded for taking a highly endangered and dangerous animal as a pet?

I just think it’s selfish, stupid and wrong.

Tigers are magnificent, powerful creatures not fucking house cats.

-ST

« Previous Entries
Next Entries »