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09
May
10

Thank You Everyone

By SlickTiger Leave a Comment
Categories: Uncategorized

My mom’s ok. She’s not great, she’s definitely not strong enough to be left alone, but she’s out the hospital and they’ve at least managed to stabilise her heart.

It looks like it was a heart attack, her left ventricle is extremely weak and they think that’s what caused it.

Thanks to everyone who sent best wishes, most of you have never met her, but she’s a great person, someone I love and respect deeply, I try to tell her that stuff to her face, but she doesn’t believe me.

But she’s getting better. “I have so much to live for,” she told me this afternoon, “I have a life that I enjoy and get fulfilment out of, I have great friends, I live in a wonderful little house, I have you, I have your dad, there are just so many things I’m thankful for every day, it really is great to be alive…”

She told me that, this afternoon. In my head, she told me those things and everything was fine.

Everything was fine this afternoon, when she told me those things, when she smiled and laughed like she used to and she was rosy-cheeked and radiant and she looked in my eyes, grateful, and said to me, ‘You’re a great son. I could never have asked for better. You’re the best son in the world.”

And I smiled when she said that, and I hugged her. Smiled and hugged her and everything was fine, just fine, in my head.

Everything is just fine. Everything is just fine. Everything is just fine.

Just fine. Just fine. Just fine. Fine. It’ll be fine.

Everything will be fine. Everything will work out. Everything will be ok. Don’t worry. Never worry about anything. Just trust that everything will be fine and it will be fine.

Just trust and pray to nothing that everything will be fine. Pray as hard as you can, to nothing, that everything will be fine, and you’ll see, in the end of the day, everything will be fine.

Everything will be fine. It’s not right now. But it will be. Right now everything is fucked, but it will all get better and the world will laugh at you for getting all worked up over nothing.

Everything will be fine. You did the best you could.

You’re a great son, she said so herself.

Didn’t she…?

-ST

05
May
10

No posts

By SlickTiger 3 Comments
Categories: Uncategorized

There won’t be any posts here for awhile. My mom’s in ICU, they think she had a mild heart attack last night.

-ST

29
Apr
10

Slippin’ up!

By SlickTiger 1 Comment
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,

Hey all you crazy kids!

I’ve let things slide on the site the past couple of days, but it doesn’t mean I love you any less ok? C’mere, let’s hug it out, there there…

So in return for being such a crap blogger of late, I’m going to recommend two things I’ve discovered recently VERY HIGHLY because I think they’ll better your life and that’s what Them’s Fightin’ Words is all about.

Ok, thing number one is a whisky I had the pleasure of tasting on Monday evening that pretty much melted my mind into a thick, gloopy mess it was so incredible.

It’s one of the whiskies that fall under the Suntory group (like from Lost In Translation remember? ‘For relaxing times, make it Suntory time’).

 

 

See, the story goes that in 1923 Suntory’s founder, Shinjiro Torii began Japan’s first whisky distillery in Yamazaki, on the outskirts of Kyoto. Ahh, Kyoto! I hear you say. Yes! Kyoto! The Japanese city famed the world over for it’s exceptionally high quality drinking water.

And any whisky drinker worth his salt knows that water is one of three ingredients that goes into whisky. See where I’m going with this?

In 1973, Suntory introduced a range of whisky called ‘Yamazaki’ and I shit you not, the Yamazaki 18 year old is some of the best whisky I’ve ever tasted IN MY LIFE.

AND at R1,300 a bottle, it’s dirt cheap!… Um… if you just won the lottery or robbed a bank or something…

 

 

The other killer discovery I made is the movie The Men Who Stare At Goats. I got my hands on a pre-release copy, how badass is THAT!

Yeah! Pity it was only the first 17 minutes of the movie, but MAN, those 17 minutes were so fucking funny I just about laughed my ass clean off, which is saying a lot cause 90% of the ‘funny’ movies I watch elicit a few chuckles and that’s about it.

Here’s an idea of how rad it is.

Opening scene: Close up on a guy with an immaculate grey moustache’s face. He is staring with unmatched intensity DIRECTLY AT YOU. We cut to a slightly wider, head and shoulders shot of the same dude, he’s sitting at a desk in army uniform, still STARING DIRECTLY AT YOU.

Fuck he is intense.

Cut back to the close up for a few more seconds. ‘Boone’ the guy says, ‘I’m going into the next office.’

Moustache-man stands up abruptly and sprints AS FAST AS HE CAN across the room only to collide with full force into the opposite wall.

He collapses on the floor and stares furiously at the wall.

‘Damnit’ he growls.

 

 

So probably what you need to do for a really fun night is buy a bottle of Yamazaki 18 year old and drink THE WHOLE THING whilst watching The Men Who Stare At Goats.

It’ll be a night you never forget… OR REMEMBER!

In other news, I’m going to win an X-Box, and not just any X-Box, but an X-Box Elite! Sometimes being the most badass writer on the face of the PLANET has its uses.

This is one of those times.

Until tomorrow.

-ST

27
Apr
10

Blogging Against All Odds

By SlickTiger 1 Comment
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

I just want you to know that while I’m writing this ,my loving girlfriemd is tikling me relentlessly, trying to give me a wet wilkly, biting me and trying to slip a digit up my butt.

Which is why I’m sure you;ll understand, I cant’ blog today.

 

 

-ST

26
Apr
10

Approaching Post 200

By SlickTiger 2 Comments
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I did the craziest thing this weekend, I went back through this site, right back to the first post and systematically logged everything I wrote last year. I would have logged everything I wrote this year as well, but didn’t have enough time, I’ll get around to that tomorrow.

It was a really useful exercise though, it reminded me how much great content I’ve banged out over the 7 months since I started this blog and also gave me a whole bunch of ideas how I can streamline this site and make that content easier for first time visitors to find.

Meanwhile, I’m steadily approaching Post Number 200, an event I plan on celebrating by throwing a huge party with lots of midgets with serving trays full of cocktails velcroed to their heads. I’ve always wanted to do that, I think I saw it in a movie one time.

 

 

Post 200, to me, is like some kind of magical Shangri-La. They say after 200 posts you are able to achieve incredible feats like get 5,000 views in one day just by posting a picture of a bear in a tutu or achieve $15,000 in advertising revenue just by randomly writing words like NIKE! or KFC! in your posts, followed by exclamation marks.

 

 

But in all seriousness, I’m proud of how this blog is progressing. As is stands there is a solid core of about 350-400 people who are hitting this site everyday, which I aim to grow to 1,000 by the end of the year.

It’s been my life’s mission since as far back as I can remember to become a great writer and write a work of fiction that will make a lasting and significant contribution to human kind and this site is what’s going to help me achieve that goal.

But it’s nothing without you.

So thank you, wherever you might be, here on home soil or sitting somewhere across the ocean, for reading these words. They’re all I got right now, these crazy fightin’ words, but I know that if I can just find the right ones, and string them in the right order at the right time with the right people reading them, like a row of lucky sevens all falling into place, thousands of casino tokens are going to come spilling out of the one armed bandit that is life.

And then you’ll see midgets with velcro head trays, man-o-man 😉

Until tomorrow.

-ST

13
Apr
10

Three Reasons why humans are dumber than animals

By SlickTiger Leave a Comment
Categories: Uncategorized
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My girlfriend J-Rab works at a reputable animal park that shall remain nameless, where she and the other people who work there handle a number of badass animals like cheetahs and pumas, and then one or two other little critters like black-backed jackals and meerkats.

Part of her job is training students that come from as far afield as places like Canada and Germany who become friends with her (some of them) and then, 3 months later, promptly leave.

 

 

Last night was the farewell for one of these students, let’s call her Shroomgirl, which even I was a little sad about because as it turns out this girl is fucking hilarious!

To be honest, as a guy I very seldom find girls funny. Sure, sometimes the way they tell stories and jokes is cute and I laugh along so they don’t think I’m rude, but it’s very seldom that a girl will make me genuinely laugh my ass off, but Shroomgirl nailed it!

Last night she told us her three biggest ‘What the fuck?’ moments working at said animal park, irrefutable proof that humans are indeed dumber than animals.

Reason #1: Syntax, syntax, syntax

When taking a group on a tour of the park one day, Shroomgirl fielded an unintentionally sexually explicit question when one of the members of her group, on admiring a fine and majestic cheetah, asked the following gem: ‘Do the cheetahs ever get a chance to spread their legs?’

 

 

What he meant to say was ‘Do the cheetahs ever get a chance to stretch their legs’, as in, do the cheetahs ever get a chance to run around a bit. Even funnier than that was the fact that, before anyone could answer, one of the managers, Yogi Bear, jumped right in there, completely deadpan and replied, ‘No. The cheetahs here are not used for breeding purposes.’

Fail squared.

Humans:0 Animals:1

Reason #2: Dirty-talking cheetah style

Another time, Shroomgirl was with a group that had some randoms and a dude in his 20s and his girlfriend. Now, because they’re animals (and probably also because they’re just plain bored) sometimes the cheetahs do some pretty weird shit to one another, much like humans.

On this particular day, two young males, Chobe and Felix shared a special moment when Chobe started suckling Felixes tummy while they were lying down together, right where Felixes nipples would be if he was a lady-cheetah.

Even more fucked up than that was the fact that the minute the boyfriend saw this happen, he turned to the ol’ GF and, loud enough for everyone on the tour to hear, said, ‘How about later you be Felix and I’ll be Chobe?’

And immediately everyone on the tour threw up in their mouths a little.

 

 

Humans:0 Animals:2

Reason #3: The leopard-guy

The third what the fuck moment was the best by a long way.

After just finishing an extensive tour of the entire park where Shroomgirl showed the group the entire park, starting with the cheetahs in the front, and then the other assorted animals in the back and introducing the group to every animal and telling each animal’s life story, they came to the end of the tour and when Shroomgirl asked if anyone had any questions, she was bludgeoned by this beauty:

‘Ok, so I know the front part’s for the leopards, but what’s the back for?’

Well done. The front part’s for the leopards, well done. There is not one fucking leopard in the park. And ‘what’s the back for?’ after she just showed the fucking retard every square inch of it?!

You’re a credit to the species.

 

 

Humans:0 Animals:3

I rest my case.

-ST

01
Apr
10

Dead Chocolate Jesus

By SlickTiger 1 Comment
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Easter. Who’s idea was that anyway? Of all the weird-ass pseudo-religious celebrations that happen, it’s got to be the weirdest by a long fucking way right?

The son of God gets tortured, nailed to a cross, fucking stabbed and left to die, then comes back from the dead three days later like some kind of zombie and we celebrate that fact by eating chocolate rabbits and chickens and marshmallow eggs?

Whatever drugs the person who cooked up Easter was on, I want some.

 

 

As a kid I did the whole go to church thing with my parents where I jiggled in my seat a lot and counted down the minutes to when I could finally go back home and eat some more goddamn chocolate goddamnit!

Once at Easter lunch, a distant relative, who was also a reborn Christian (stop reading this if you’re a reborn Christian, this is not the place for you, take your church band somewhere else) explained to us kiddies why Easter eggs are hollow inside.

‘Easter eggs are hollow inside,’ she told us with a big creepy smile on her face, ‘because it SYMBOLISES how when they opened JESUS’ TOMB, they found it EMPTY!’

Really? My nine-year old mind said (even back then I was sceptical of reborns).

‘So would Jesus be inside Easter eggs if they didn’t find the tomb empty?’ I asked, pure and innocent as the driven snow.

‘Why, I don’t know! Maybe!’ she said and then laughed for some unknown reason.

‘Ew!’ I said, ‘I don’t think anyone would eat Easter eggs if there was a dead chocolate Jesus in them.’

 

 

Yeah. How about that? Nine fucking years old.

Pity I only got dumber with time.

****TIME PASSES****

The administrators of this site would like to apologise on Slick’s behalf as he was unable to finish this post. Jesus, or possibly a reborn Christian, or SOMEONE, decided to smite ol’ Slick for his blasphemy and sent a minion from hell to break into Slick’s car and steal his GPS yesterday.

Hence he had to spend this morning running around trying furiously to get his window fixed before the long weekend, only to arrive back to an unresponsive laptop that was more interested in crashing than actually letting him write a goddamn blog post.

But yeah, he says happy Easter if he doesn’t get to post again.

Now go eat some chocolate and think about what would have happened if they found Jesus.

-The Site Administrator

26
Mar
10

‘Fuck The Whole World And What Everybody’s Saying Hey’ Friday

By SlickTiger 3 Comments
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,

Guys, the end of this week nailed me in the butt (and no Jono, I didn’t enjoy it).

Long and the short of it is that the laptop melted the fuck down and flat out refused to connect me to any network of any description and hence, no blog posts could be written.

There are news reports of entire nations coming to a complete standstill because I wasn’t posting. Empires rose and fell, LAVA consumed ENTIRE CONTINENTS! HURRICANES! Devastated the countryside! And people the world over…were sad 🙁

 

 

But it’s all good now guys, we’re back on track and all indications point to the weekend being filled with awesome, rad times.

So here’s my gift to you this Friday, it’s a little video I like to call ‘Vitriol’ from a little band I like to call ‘Bluejuice’ and it’s about to become the soundtrack for your weekend so good luck!

And don’t dare give up.

Give it a little bit of vitriol, hey!

 

 

Wow, what the fuck just happened there? Tried to paste a link and got a whole video window, badass!

I think my blog just evolved…

Have a great weekend guys. Here’s a hottie I borrowed from my friends www.holytaco.com (again).

 

 

-ST

19
Mar
10

Holy Taco Friday

By SlickTiger 2 Comments
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

You guys are fucking cool.

You are my invisible friends, and you are fucking cool. No, no, don’t downplay it, be PROUD of that shit. If I say you’re fucking cool, then it’s gospel truth. Hallelujah brothers and sisters!

Let’s sing kumbaya.

As you’ve probably guessed by now, I don’t have too much so say on this beautiful Friday in Cape Town. Truth be told I’m counting the minutes until the long weekend lands.

What are your plans? I’m going to Pringle Bay to get sunburn! And drunk! It’s going to be flippin sweet 😉

So anyway, there’s this site called www.holytaco.com that is pretty damn incredible because it’s stacked FULL of hot mamasitas and so, because you guys are so fucking cool, the rest of this post is just going to be smoking hot pictures I’ve ‘borrowed’ from Holy Taco.

Women are beautiful creatures. Let’s celebrate that fact this long weekend, and on Monday, let’s send those pictures to SlickTiger.

Group hug.

 

 

 

 

 

Have a killer long weekend everyone! I’m going to try post, but there’s a better than average chance I’ll say fuck it and go lie on the beach instead.

Until next time 😉

-ST

12
Mar
10

Inappropriate Joke Friday

By SlickTiger 18 Comments
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Hey Party People!

I didn’t get a chance to bang out another thoughtful, insightful and well written post last night because the universe didn’t want me to. Instead, the universe told me, explicitly, to go home, lie down on the couch and pass out.

Who am I to argue with such a compelling suggestion?

 

 

So I’m inviting some community participation today! Like when the teacher tells the class that today they’re doing unprepared speeches in order to ‘work on their public speaking skills’ ie. he was too drunk the night before to prepare a lesson.

I hereby declare today ‘Inappropriate Joke Friday’. The only question that you need to ask to see if your joke qualifies as ‘inappropriate’ is: If I told this to a group of complete strangers, would they ever speak to me again?

If the answer is yes, I’m sorry, but your joke isn’t quite inappropriate enough. Buy a Jimmy Carr DVD and try again next time.

So to get the ball rolling, here’s mine (courtesy of Stikey):

A serious alcoholic keeps coming home at 3 in the morning, blind drunk and covered in his own puke. After years of this, his wife finally offers him the following ultimatum:

‘If you come home like that one more time,’ she says, furious, ‘I’m divorcing you.’

That night the man tells his friends what his wife said while they’re sitting in the pub getting tanked.

 

 

‘What the fuck am I going to do?’ the man asks in desperation.

‘Easy,’ says his buddy, ‘put a R100 note in your shirt pocket. When your wife starts bitching you out for being covered in puke again, just tell her that R100’s from the guy at the bar who threw up on you. It’s to cover the dry cleaning costs. Problem solved.’

‘Fuck!’ the man replies, ‘you’re a genius! Who wants tequila? I’m buying!’

Early the following morning, the man staggers home, covered in puke only to be greeted by his wife, who is spitting mad.

‘It’s over!’ she screams, ‘I warned you about this you good-for-nothing drunk asshole!’

‘No, no, no, wait,’ the man slurs, ‘see this hunnered rand note? It’s from the guy who puked on me to get my clothes dry cleaner, um, cleaned!’

‘That’s two hundred rand. What’s the other hundred for?’ The wife asks, still livid.

‘Oh that? That’s from the guy who shat in my pants.’

Da dum.

Tsshh.

Ok, now you!

[Sound Effect: Crickets in the background]

-ST

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