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14
May
10

Tell The Tiger (Episode 6)

By SlickTiger 7 Comments
Categories: Tell The Tiger
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

It’s been awhile since I last delved into the tellthetiger@gmail.com inbox and made a lucky reader’s life perfect in every way, my apologies for that, but I’ve been focussing most of my energies on making on own life liveable over the last week, and I’m happy to report things are back on track.

Opening the tellthetiger@gmail.com inbox is kinda like swiping a security card at the local loony bin and stepping into a room full of slobbering degenerates, walking in endless circles and staring with glazed eyes at the TV-in-a-cage which only ever shows lawn bowls on mute.

 

 

God knows, I’ve missed you guys.

This week’s mail (which was sent to tellthetiger@gmail.com) is beautiful in its simplicity, so without any more verbal circle-jerking, let’s jump in there shall we?

Hey SLicktiger,

im still in highschool but I read your site a lot, its awesome, where do you find the pictures, they’re funny dude!

anyway, my problem is a lot of my friends are hooking up and have girfriends, but I haven’t as of yet because I cant approach girls without sounding liek a fuckin retard.

have you got any pickup lines youve used that have ever worked or are pickup lines bullshit?

thanks!

JP

Holy fuck, children read this blog?! Can’t I get arrested for that? For Chrissake sake don’t tell your friends about this site!

Oh and thanks for noticing the pretty pictures JP. Finding them isn’t easy. You gotta know a guy who knows a guy, then you gotta meet that guy in a dark back alley behind a Chinese diner with an envelope of cold hard cash, unsealed, and the rest well… I could tell you but about a week later you’d mysteriously disappear and all your family would ever see of you would be the little cotton wool-wrapped bits they’d get sent in envelopes.

As for your problem, my advice to you is definitely suicide. There’s a good chance you sound ‘liek a fuckin retard’ because you are one. Seriously JP, ‘girfriends’? What the fuck is a ‘girfriend’?

 

 

Proof-read your work son, this is a site for GROWN-UPS, where we discuss GROWN-UP stuff in a GROWN-UP manner. I’ll have none of that ghetto spelling here young man!

Lucky for you though I was also 13 once and more than willing to crawl over my own dead mother to get laid. Um… wait, that didn’t come out right…

To answer your question: no, pickup lines are not bullshit, you just gotta know the right ones to use and practise them in front of the mirror until your delivery is perfect in every way. Also, it helps to start with the ugly or fat girls in the group to get your confidence up and then move up the ladder to the belters.

Also, alcohol helps. But I didn’t tell you that.

Here are my top 10 pick-up lines of all time, use them wisely:

1. Was your dad retarded? Because you’re special.
2. Christ you’re so hot I’d suck your farts like a BONG HIT!
3. (Looking around the room) Did you invite all these people? They’re shit. Tell them to go home so we can bang on the bar counter.
4. Man, I see a cute girlie like you and all I wanna do is tickle your belly button… from the inside…
5. Your wig is beautiful (tug tug) what glue do you use?
6. That’s such a nice top, my niece has one just like it… she has down syndrome…
7. (Standing waiting for a drink at the bar) Fuck me, whose dick do you have to suck to get a drink around here? Is it yours?
8. I’d offer to buy you a drink but by the look of it you’ve had plenty already.
9. You: I’m sorry, you can’t smoke inside here. Her: I’m not smoking. You (winking and pointing your finger-gun): Yes you are.

And my personal favourite:

10. Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven? Cause by the look of it you landed on your FACE.

I hope these help JP, if not I’m sure the dirty basterds who read this blog have plenty more where these came from.

Anyone out there care to impart some knowledge that might help this wayward young ghetto-speller?

Site’s all yours 😉

-ST

12
May
10

Kill The Pig! bash him in!

By SlickTiger 6 Comments
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

In my day dreams sometimes I crash-land on a desert island with the people I work with and somehow we all survive it.

 

 

I watch everything unfold in my head, the initial shock of the crash slowly being replaced by child-like wonder as we take in everything around us and start exploring the island and building shelters and forming friendships based not on some manufactured hierarchy, but rather who can actually protect and lead everyone.

Sooner or later though people would start to argue and get bitchy about who gets to boss who around because we’d be getting hungrier and wilder with each passing day.

I think at that point I’d probably strike out, fashion some kind of weapons and go hunt for weeks on end, picking my way through the jungle, learning how to move without sound, learning how to track animals, learning their patterns.

I’d get dirty and cut and scratched and bitten. My hair and beard and nails would all grow and I’d shed weight until my ribs stuck out like xylophone keys and I could put my hands around my waist and nearly touch my fingers together.

 

 

At night I’d burrow into the forest floor and cover myself with earth and leaves and lie there, humming half-remembered songs and having long and intense conversations with no one in a language that only vaguely resembled English.

Nothing would matter anymore except food and water. Those two things would consume my every waking thought and the status reports and brainstorming sessions and seminars and client expectations that used to guide and govern me would fall away completely and be replaced by the stark and terrifying reality that I was finally in control of my life.

Ironically I’d probably wish for my old life back. That’s the funny thing about humans, we are totally incapable of handling the freedom we are given. We design all kinds of social structures and institutions to get rid of that freedom at all costs and then complain that our lives feel controlled and dogmatic.

I’m not sure how the day dream ends. Maybe I eventually do kill something and I take it back to share it with everyone back at the shelters and they welcome me back like a returning hero.

Maybe it goes the other way and I stay in the jungle for a good, long while, trying my damndest to forget everything about my life and letting my mind unravel completely until I become nothing more than a drooling animal, ruled completely by instinct and base desire.

I guess it all depends on whether or not I can get over whatever it is that’s dragging me into the jungle and actually start writing worth a damn again.

Hahahaahahaha! Fuck.

Easier said than done…

-ST

09
May
10

Thank You Everyone

By SlickTiger Leave a Comment
Categories: Uncategorized

My mom’s ok. She’s not great, she’s definitely not strong enough to be left alone, but she’s out the hospital and they’ve at least managed to stabilise her heart.

It looks like it was a heart attack, her left ventricle is extremely weak and they think that’s what caused it.

Thanks to everyone who sent best wishes, most of you have never met her, but she’s a great person, someone I love and respect deeply, I try to tell her that stuff to her face, but she doesn’t believe me.

But she’s getting better. “I have so much to live for,” she told me this afternoon, “I have a life that I enjoy and get fulfilment out of, I have great friends, I live in a wonderful little house, I have you, I have your dad, there are just so many things I’m thankful for every day, it really is great to be alive…”

She told me that, this afternoon. In my head, she told me those things and everything was fine.

Everything was fine this afternoon, when she told me those things, when she smiled and laughed like she used to and she was rosy-cheeked and radiant and she looked in my eyes, grateful, and said to me, ‘You’re a great son. I could never have asked for better. You’re the best son in the world.”

And I smiled when she said that, and I hugged her. Smiled and hugged her and everything was fine, just fine, in my head.

Everything is just fine. Everything is just fine. Everything is just fine.

Just fine. Just fine. Just fine. Fine. It’ll be fine.

Everything will be fine. Everything will work out. Everything will be ok. Don’t worry. Never worry about anything. Just trust that everything will be fine and it will be fine.

Just trust and pray to nothing that everything will be fine. Pray as hard as you can, to nothing, that everything will be fine, and you’ll see, in the end of the day, everything will be fine.

Everything will be fine. It’s not right now. But it will be. Right now everything is fucked, but it will all get better and the world will laugh at you for getting all worked up over nothing.

Everything will be fine. You did the best you could.

You’re a great son, she said so herself.

Didn’t she…?

-ST

05
May
10

No posts

By SlickTiger 3 Comments
Categories: Uncategorized

There won’t be any posts here for awhile. My mom’s in ICU, they think she had a mild heart attack last night.

-ST

04
May
10

Movie Review: Iron Man 2

By SlickTiger 6 Comments
Categories: Movie Reviews
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I didn’t go into Iron Man 2 the same way I’d go into just any movie, no. I went into Iron Man 2 with a pretty specific list of things I wanted to see that went like this:

 

  • Explosions
  • Wide-scale destruction
  • Dudes in metal suits bashing the shit out of each other
  • Robert Downey JR being smarmy
  • More explosions
  • Sexy bitches
  • Radioactive flying dinosaurs (in retrospect, maybe not a very realistic expectation)
  • Mickey Rourke fucking shit up and being badass
  • Did I mention explosions?
  • Explosions

 

And let me just say that hell yeah! Iron Man 2 delivered on pretty much all fronts (except one).

 

Iron Man director Jon Favreau takes the director’s seat once again on Iron Man 2, and he does a damn fine job of it, bringing all the energy, humour and action to the sequel that made the first movie such a hit.

Story-wise it picks up at the exact moment where Iron Man left off, with Tony Stark telling the world his secret identity, a confession that opens up a whole can of worms for poor ol’ Tones while simultaneously reminding us why superheroes should always keep that shit on the down lizzo yo.

Before he knows what’s hit him, the American government is trying to get its greedy paws on the Iron Man suit because “other nations will try and copy its design” and when they do, the American government want to be the ones calling the shots.

Yeah, whatever. Everyone knows they only wants to get its hands on the suit because it’s fucking cool and chicks dig it. Although little do they know that the paladium core inside the ARC reactor in Stark’s chest is actually slowly poisoning him to death. I liked that little twist. Irony is rad.

Anyway, predictably someone does copy the design. Enter Ivan Vanko (aka Whiplash) played by Mickey Rourke, who shows up wearing a kind of leather and steel gimp suit with glowing electric whips attached which he then uses to pretty much destroy EVERYTHING in a seriously cool scene at the F1 track in Monaco.

 

 

Throw in Don Cheedle in an Iron Man suit suped up with enough firepower to take down an entire fleet of jet fighter planes, Scarlett Johansson in the most bitchin’, curve-huggin’ leathers you ever did see, Sam Rockwell (I fucking LOVE Sam Rockwell) trying to out-smarmy Downey JR and of course, Mr ‘I-shall-strike-down-upon-thee-with-great-vengeance’ himself, Samuel L Jackson as Nick Fury and you’ve got all the makings of a really solid movie.

Just don’t go in there expecting mind-blowing plot twists or deep and philosophical forays into the nature of humankind and you’ll probably really enjoy Iron Man 2. What it lacks sometimes in plot, it makes up for in acting talent, visual effects and action sequences, all of which were the life-blood of the first movie.

The only thing that disappointed me about the film was the fact that Scarlette Johansson was almost completely superfluous to the bigger story except for one brutal action sequence. Oh, and Gwyneth Paltrow, she was cute in the beginning, but kinda got on my nerves after awhile.

 

 

If you liked the original movie, you’ll like Iron Man 2. If you like action movies with dudes bashing the shit out of each other in badass metal suits, you’ll like Iron Man 2. And if you like big explosions and sexy bitches, you’ll like Iron Man 2.

As for the flying radioactive dinosaurs *spoiler alert* there aren’t any. But one day there will be and when that day comes, don’t come crying to me when your brain explodes from the awesomeness of 50 tons of flying radioactive DEATH.

Final Verdict: 7/10

03
May
10

Top Secret Weekend

By SlickTiger 6 Comments
Categories: Album Reviews
Tags: , , , , , ,

Fuck, did we get up to some crazy shit this weekend, man-o-man. I fucking wish I could tell you guys about it, but I can’t, aaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!

How lame is that? It’s like starting a joke and then right at the end of it saying, ‘Umm, actually wait… that’s not how it goes… umm…’

[SFX: Crickets]

But yeah, I guess there’s no harm in sharing a few details.

Here is the weekend summed up in completely nonsensical bullet points:

  • I drove up and down the same kilometer of dirt road for nearly two hours
  • J-Rab mastered the art of being dead
  • We walked into a restaurant, ordered a plate of dry Nachos with melted cheese and a plate of bread, with me dressed like Euro-trash kiddie fiddler
  • A dream about a threesome with two other girls was dreamed
  • A fake drive-in was built in our garage
  • My dreams of winning the Xbox dwindled
  • I did grocery shopping
  • Yatse!

 

 

It bugged me at first living out here in the total solitude of weekend days when J-Rab had to work, but over time I’ve actually come to really enjoy it.

Cape Town is easing its way into winter. It’s the beginning of May and people are still walking around more often than not in shorts and T-shirts and generally the days still feel long and sunny.

Up here in the loft of ‘The Shed’ (as we now affectionately call our house) I can look out over a wine vineyard as I bash away at this keyboard, acres of neat rows of vines that are slowly turning a brownish red as winter approaches.

The lawn we planted a few weekends back is growing like crazy, it’s small but I still get a real kick out of taking my shoes off and walking around in circles over its surface. It’s especially fun at night, when you can look up at all the stars.

Life is getting better and better down here. Things might have been a bit rough in the beginning, and there were a lot of highs and lows in rapid succession, but overall, the highs are winning and I’m glad we live here in the sticks.

 

 

Even if all manner of animals (Anatolian shepherds, owls, geese and rats to name a few) keep us awake at night and The Shed is so badly constructed you can see outside through some of the gaps in the wood, it’s our little corner of the world, and nothing can touch us out here.

That and the fact that there’s just a good feeling I have going about this year right now, are pushing me to finally get off my ass and do what I’ve wanted to do my whole life.

Aaaaarrrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh! Wish I could tell you, fuck!

What I can say though is that it’s all building up to the 200th Post Celebration that’s going to be happening here on TFW, which lands on the 17th May.

So not long now Party People.

Not long at all 😉

-ST

30
Apr
10

Tell The Tiger (Episode 5)

By SlickTiger 3 Comments
Categories: Tell The Tiger
Tags: , , ,

Ok, there’s no fucking Tell The Tiger today, I’m tired ok? Tired of sorting out you guys and your messy fucking lives, and also just plain tired of this week and ready to throw the fucking towel the fuck in.

So all I’m going to do is post the following picture of an unbelievably hot mamasita with a really lousy tattoo.

 

 

Thank you www.holytaco.com, thank you.

Have a killer weekend guys!

-ST

29
Apr
10

Slippin’ up!

By SlickTiger 1 Comment
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,

Hey all you crazy kids!

I’ve let things slide on the site the past couple of days, but it doesn’t mean I love you any less ok? C’mere, let’s hug it out, there there…

So in return for being such a crap blogger of late, I’m going to recommend two things I’ve discovered recently VERY HIGHLY because I think they’ll better your life and that’s what Them’s Fightin’ Words is all about.

Ok, thing number one is a whisky I had the pleasure of tasting on Monday evening that pretty much melted my mind into a thick, gloopy mess it was so incredible.

It’s one of the whiskies that fall under the Suntory group (like from Lost In Translation remember? ‘For relaxing times, make it Suntory time’).

 

 

See, the story goes that in 1923 Suntory’s founder, Shinjiro Torii began Japan’s first whisky distillery in Yamazaki, on the outskirts of Kyoto. Ahh, Kyoto! I hear you say. Yes! Kyoto! The Japanese city famed the world over for it’s exceptionally high quality drinking water.

And any whisky drinker worth his salt knows that water is one of three ingredients that goes into whisky. See where I’m going with this?

In 1973, Suntory introduced a range of whisky called ‘Yamazaki’ and I shit you not, the Yamazaki 18 year old is some of the best whisky I’ve ever tasted IN MY LIFE.

AND at R1,300 a bottle, it’s dirt cheap!… Um… if you just won the lottery or robbed a bank or something…

 

 

The other killer discovery I made is the movie The Men Who Stare At Goats. I got my hands on a pre-release copy, how badass is THAT!

Yeah! Pity it was only the first 17 minutes of the movie, but MAN, those 17 minutes were so fucking funny I just about laughed my ass clean off, which is saying a lot cause 90% of the ‘funny’ movies I watch elicit a few chuckles and that’s about it.

Here’s an idea of how rad it is.

Opening scene: Close up on a guy with an immaculate grey moustache’s face. He is staring with unmatched intensity DIRECTLY AT YOU. We cut to a slightly wider, head and shoulders shot of the same dude, he’s sitting at a desk in army uniform, still STARING DIRECTLY AT YOU.

Fuck he is intense.

Cut back to the close up for a few more seconds. ‘Boone’ the guy says, ‘I’m going into the next office.’

Moustache-man stands up abruptly and sprints AS FAST AS HE CAN across the room only to collide with full force into the opposite wall.

He collapses on the floor and stares furiously at the wall.

‘Damnit’ he growls.

 

 

So probably what you need to do for a really fun night is buy a bottle of Yamazaki 18 year old and drink THE WHOLE THING whilst watching The Men Who Stare At Goats.

It’ll be a night you never forget… OR REMEMBER!

In other news, I’m going to win an X-Box, and not just any X-Box, but an X-Box Elite! Sometimes being the most badass writer on the face of the PLANET has its uses.

This is one of those times.

Until tomorrow.

-ST

27
Apr
10

Blogging Against All Odds

By SlickTiger 1 Comment
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

I just want you to know that while I’m writing this ,my loving girlfriemd is tikling me relentlessly, trying to give me a wet wilkly, biting me and trying to slip a digit up my butt.

Which is why I’m sure you;ll understand, I cant’ blog today.

 

 

-ST

26
Apr
10

Approaching Post 200

By SlickTiger 2 Comments
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I did the craziest thing this weekend, I went back through this site, right back to the first post and systematically logged everything I wrote last year. I would have logged everything I wrote this year as well, but didn’t have enough time, I’ll get around to that tomorrow.

It was a really useful exercise though, it reminded me how much great content I’ve banged out over the 7 months since I started this blog and also gave me a whole bunch of ideas how I can streamline this site and make that content easier for first time visitors to find.

Meanwhile, I’m steadily approaching Post Number 200, an event I plan on celebrating by throwing a huge party with lots of midgets with serving trays full of cocktails velcroed to their heads. I’ve always wanted to do that, I think I saw it in a movie one time.

 

 

Post 200, to me, is like some kind of magical Shangri-La. They say after 200 posts you are able to achieve incredible feats like get 5,000 views in one day just by posting a picture of a bear in a tutu or achieve $15,000 in advertising revenue just by randomly writing words like NIKE! or KFC! in your posts, followed by exclamation marks.

 

 

But in all seriousness, I’m proud of how this blog is progressing. As is stands there is a solid core of about 350-400 people who are hitting this site everyday, which I aim to grow to 1,000 by the end of the year.

It’s been my life’s mission since as far back as I can remember to become a great writer and write a work of fiction that will make a lasting and significant contribution to human kind and this site is what’s going to help me achieve that goal.

But it’s nothing without you.

So thank you, wherever you might be, here on home soil or sitting somewhere across the ocean, for reading these words. They’re all I got right now, these crazy fightin’ words, but I know that if I can just find the right ones, and string them in the right order at the right time with the right people reading them, like a row of lucky sevens all falling into place, thousands of casino tokens are going to come spilling out of the one armed bandit that is life.

And then you’ll see midgets with velcro head trays, man-o-man 😉

Until tomorrow.

-ST

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