Author Archive for Slick Tiger



02
Sep
13

Aziza

You never forget the sound of a car crash. There’s no way to describe that sound, but once you’ve heard it you never forget it and every time you hear it again you get the same gut-churning feeling you got the first time.

We were fast asleep yesterday in the spare room, J-Rab, The Cub and I. It gets the most sun in the afternoons and we were curled up, dozing in it when we heard the sound.

I knew two things immediately after hearing it – whatever had happened was close and it was bad.

I got up, walked through to the living room, unlocked and opened the sliding door and looked down into the road.

We live on the second story of an apartment block that looks down on the bottom of De Waal drive, about 200 meters up from the canary-yellow speed camera that never catches anyone.

I looked down into the road where it sounded like the crash came from, expecting to see a mangled car but instead I saw a young-looking coloured guy in a green and white striped hoodie screaming the same thing again and again.

“Aziza! Aziza! Get an ambulance! Somebody help! Aziza! Aziza! Aziza!”

He was running up and down the road screaming like that. Whatever had happened was blocked from my view by short, dense trees, their branches leafless, dead from winter.

I took my phone out and dialled 10111. It rang for at least two minutes while I tried to piece together what had happened, tried to figure out what the lifeless trees were hiding.

I had one clue, something on the pavement, pale green lying just before the trees.

As my phone rang another figure came sprinting down the road, saw whatever the trees were hiding and started screaming. It was a girl, she ran right up to the trees screaming, and then ran the other way, then ran back to the trees again, then ran away again.

When the police eventually answered I tried to explain where the accident happened but the woman who answered rushed through the details I was giving her so quickly that if I hadn’t stopped to slow her down, she would have sent a police car to hospital bend, about 3kms in the wrong direction.

There’s a house adjacent to our flat, a middle-aged couple live there with a Labrador and a Bearded Collie puppy. I saw the husband across the road standing with the crowd that were gathering there. His wife was standing in her garden on a rock, holding the puppy and looking over her wall at the scene of the accident.

I called down to her, she was also trying to call the police. I told her I’d gotten through, I asked her what happened and she told me like it was something happening a million miles away.

I turned back to the leafless trees, back to the pale green thing on the sidewalk and instantly recognised it as a receiving blanket.

J-Rab came out onto the balcony holding The Cub who was still asleep and wrapped snugly against the winter cold.

“What happened?” she asked.

I don’t remember if I turned to tell her, I don’t think I could tear my eyes away from the trees, or watch her reaction when I told her.

“It’s a baby. Someone swerved off the road into her pram and drove away…”

I didn’t know what else to say. There was nothing else to say. We stared at the people gathering by the trees in silence.

A truck from the Fire Department just down the road arrived at the scene first, parked by the side of the road behind the trees. When they got there, the girl from before came running. Someone grabbed her, tried to hold onto her as she sank to the ground screaming and crying.

J-Rab started crying behind me, but I just kept staring, numb right down to my core.

“I see you have your baby, I have mine too,” our neighbour said, cradling her puppy. “Shame, so sad,” she said.

The ambulance arrived not long after that, parked behind the fire truck as two paramedics got out and walked to where the accident had happened.

It wasn’t long after that that we heard another sound from behind the fire truck, sounding out above the hum of traffic, ringing out clearly through the biting cold winter dusk.

I turned to J-Rab, “Is that her?”

“It must be…”

I exhaled and rubbed my eyes, suddenly exhausted despite the nap I’d just woken from. The girl was back on her feet, the crowd gathered across the road were close around her, holding her, telling her everything was going to be ok.

The crying stopped and not long after we saw one of the paramedics carrying an impossibly small bundle into the back of the ambulance. The police arrived after that, parked, got out the car, slouched toward the scene of the accident.

Before we went back inside our neighbour’s husband came walking back to his front gate. I asked him what had happened.

“It was a white combi, swerved off the road into that guy walking with the pram, came out of nowhere, they think he was drunk.”

I asked him if the baby was ok.

“She’s alive, ja. But with a big hole in her head.”

“Brain damaged?” his wife asked.

“They don’t know,” he said.

Back in the flat I poured a whisky, swallowed it and poured another.

I sat on the couch with J-Rab and held her as tightly as I could.

I stared at our daughter, who is three weeks old today, sleeping like only babies can in her mother’s arms.

A fear crept into my heart like nothing I’ve ever felt. I kissed my daughter and pushed the thought that was screaming out in my mind as far back as possible, but it was impossible to shut it out.

What if it was her?

I’m not a religious man but I prayed for that little girl, for Aziza, last night.

I hope whatever gods may be were listening and that she’s ok.

I hope she’s back safe in her mom’s arms, wrapped up against the winter cold like nothing ever happened.

And more than that, more than anything, as selfish as it sounds I hope that never, ever happens to our little girl.

I hope…

-ST

26
Aug
13

Escape Monday: Into A Realm Of Animals That Will Give You Nightmares

Red-lipped BatfishThis one really blew my mind right off its hinges. Bored Panda did this series of posts entitled “Animals You Didn’t Know Existed” which I’m shamelessly ripping off for today’s Escape Monday because wow.

I thought I’d seen it all when it came to animals. I’ve been alive for nearly 30 years now, I’ve watched hundreds of nature doccies and seen a whole bunch of crazy animals in zoos and boardrooms all over the world.

Boy-o-boy was I wrong. When you guys see the animals in this post, you’re gonna lose your damn minds. All of these animals are real, no photoshopping, just the scariest, creepiest, ugliest selection of monsters to crawl out of the primordial soup.

Starting with my friend the Yetti Crab:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And lastly, the clear winner here today:

 

 

Hope ya’ll enjoyed those lovely animals!

Tune in next week for animals that are remarkable beautiful / cute so that balance can be restored to the universe.

-ST

23
Aug
13

Friday LOLZ – Sleep Deprivation Edition

tumblr_mrg5nxZVnh1qzmowao1_500So yeah. Not a lot of posting happening on the site at the moment, sorry about that guys, but with the little Cub to look after things are a little cray-cray at the moment.

Things will settle down (people tell me) but in the meantime, sleep is a precious commodity for J-Rab and I that we don’t seems to be getting our normal quota of at the moment.

Of course, with sleep deprivation come all of it’s awesome side effects like laughing for an inappropriately long time at things that aren’t really that funny at all and generally feeling like you’re watching your life from the outside.

Speaking of things that aren’t really funny at all – here are things like that. Starting with a bird dancing in a bag because what else is there to do in a bag?

 

 

Then there’s this waking nightmare I had about the Simpsons the other day…

 

 

Followed by Nicolas Cage in his Cageface suit.

 

 

Shark news reporter…

 

 

More nightmare stuffs…

 

 

 

 

What happens when game developers take too much acid…

 

 

RL Spiderman.

 

 

The raddest squirrel known to mankind:

 

 

This:

 

 

And this:

 

 

If at this stage you’re thinking, “Holy shit Papa Slick, you need to get some sleep, son!” then I have only this to say to you:

 

 

Have a killer weekend Party People. Anyone needs me I’ll be dead asleep (hopefully).

-ST

21
Aug
13

Converse Announces The Final 10 SA Artists For Get Out The Garage

GOTGIf you guys have been following the Converse Get Out Of The Garage competition, then you’ll be excited to know that the final 10 artists for the public voting phase of the competition have been announced.

I’ve had a listen to all 10 of the finalists in this year’s competition and yeah, there are a couple diamonds in the rough right there, no doubt about it.

As with the finalists last year, I’m posting a couple of bands that I think really deserve the votes. Keep in mind this is totally subjective – you might think these bands suck, in which case, hit this link to hear the others and find your own favourites.

Before we kick out the jams though, let’s find out what’s at stake here, shall we?

The band / artist that gets the most votes through the Converse Get Out Of The Garage Facebook page app will win a performance at Rocking the Daisies, a gig at the legendary 100 Club in London, and the opportunity to record at RubberTracks in NYC.

 

 

A total of 334 acts submitted a variety of tracks ranging from punk rock to deep house, and one of them will earn the chance to perform at the 100 Club in London, which happens to be the running popular music venue in the world – BADAM!

You have until the 13th of September to vote for your favourite artist on Facebook, you can access the voting page through this super-long hyperlink that, provided I keep writing it, could very well go down in interwebs history as the longest hyperlink in living memory. Supercalafragilisticexpealadocious.

Now! Onto the bands that blew my hair back (in no particular order).

First up is Bruce Noble, a 5 piece pop band from Potchefstroom (of all places. Do they even have music in Potchefstroom?! Who knew…). The oldest band member is 22 which blew me away considering how polished their particular brand of indie / dance pop sounds.

The production is also pretty solid, check it:

 

 

Next up is The Aztec Sapphire, who I thought also deserved a special mention. They have a bit of a Foals vibe to them, very chilled stuff – breezy synths, slow strumming, elegant in its simplicity.

Not sure where these guys come from but they got a truckload of potential if this track is anything to go by.

 

 

This next band hails from Cape Town and goes by the name Rumspringer. They’re definitely going for a strong electro swing vibe with some Balkan riffs and beats thrown in for good measure.

Sure, bands like Goldfish and Goodluck are already milking this genre for all it’s worth, but I really dig Carla Louw’s vocals, they have an edginess to them that really stands out for me.

The only thing I found a bit weird is that they made it into the final 10 with a remix of one of their tracks (?). Anyway, here’s the James Copeland remix of their track “Gypsie Queen”.

 

 

So there it is. Now go check out the others and VOTE yo! Just by voting, you stand the chance to join your favourite band from the final 10 when they fly to London to play at the 100 Club so get on it!

Tiger out.

-ST

20
Aug
13

Pressure, fahk!

IMG_6488resizedHi boys and girls, how the hell are ya’ll doing? Hell’s teeth it’s been a long-ass time since I last posted and over the course of my self-imposed hiatus, my life has changed in every conceivable way.

As you all probably know from the last post, I am a dad. My Cub was born happy and healthy, is feeding well, sleeping well and doing everything a newborn should and I can’t tell you how great that feels.

HOWEVER, I now feel this added pressure to post something life-changingly epic on the site, a post that wrenches the heartstrings and leaves you with this “Phwoar! Holy shit, life is AWESOME!” kinda feeling.

So before expectations get completely out of control, lemme just say that this isn’t that post. This is just a post to say “Hiya! Wattup bitches!” and to tell you that things in Tigerland have never been better.

 

 

That other post where I try to communicate what the last week has been like and how incredible it feels to stare into your daughter’s fathomless blue eyes for the first time is on it’s way, don’t you worry.

But part of the reason I haven’t posted is because I wanted the very next thing I write to be that post and that’s just not gonna happen. That one’s going to need some time which I don’t have at the moment so in the meantime, here are a few things I’ve learned over the past week:

 

 

Other people’s babies are boring as hell, but your own is the most fascinating thing you’ve ever seen

This is the craziest thing. Until a week ago I thought that babies were pretty damn boring until they get to about 2 years old and start having rad nonsense conversations with you.

Then you have your own and spend hours at a time just watching her sleep. No shit. She’s hardly doing anything besides breathing and making the occasional funny sound / face in her sleep and I’m fucking riveted!

 

Babies are best burped in 4/4 time

True story. It also helps to make the first pat slightly harder than the other three so that you loosen the wind with three pats and then let ‘er rip with the last one.

I’ve also experimented with different beats from popular songs and found the beat from Blur’s “Song 2” to be pretty effective as well. Just stay away from any Slipknot, it won’t end well…

 

 

Baby shit doesn’t gross you out. In fact, in the beginning, it makes you happy

I never thought anyone’s shit would ever make me happy. There is nothing happy about shit – it smells awful and should be neatly and discreetly disposed of, never to be seen again.

BUT, when your baby shits you are genuinely happy because it means that everything is happening as it should. Sure, it smells a little rank and I’m pretty sure given time it will stop making me happy, but for the time being, the fact that my Cub’s digestive system is doing everything it should is a great sense of relief.

 

 

Boobs

Holy mother of God, The Boobs. I’m a sceptical mofo – I hardly ever take anything people say at face value because what I quickly learned in life is that people LOVE exaggerating.

So whenever someone tells me how fucking insane something was, I dial it down a couple of notches mentally to get a closer approximation of what it was actually like.

So when people said, “J-Rab’s boobs are going to get MASSIVE when her milk comes in” I thought sure, they’ll probably get 5% bigger, max.

My God was I wrong. 5%? Try 35%! They looked and felt like flippin spanspek! I couldn’t decide if I was turned on or mortally terrified.

It calms down again after a day or two but when the milk first comes in, stand the hell back.

 

 

I’ll post more observations as they come to me, but in the meantime, I think it’s high time we returned to my usual posts of biting sarcasm, general internet weirdness and good times.

The deep stuff is coming though, give it a week tops Winking smile

-ST

14
Aug
13

I Have A Daughter And She Is A Badass

I will write more soon, I promise. For the time being, I’m just treading water, trying to figure it all out and trying to get my head around the fact that as of 1.17pm on Monday, I became a father.

I will say two things though. Firstly, J-Rab is a champion. She is the strongest woman I’ve ever known and has sailed through everything just like I knew she would. Because of her I will never look at women the same way again. They are miraculous beings, anyone who thinks differently is not a person you should waste your time with.

Secondly, my daughter is a badass. World, meet The Cub, and yes, she could very well be flipping you the bird – she’s trying to sleep here ok? The paparazzi can take a hike.

 

 

More to follow. Thank you all for the good vibes, congratulations and well-wishes, you guys are incredible, I’d hug every last one of you if I could but that hug would be so gigantic I’d need a football field to get it right.

Later Party People Winking smile

-ST

06
Aug
13

Awesome Work Meltdown Supercut

MeltdownI’m pretty sure we live in the most stressful time in human history. I blame technology because as insanely cool as it’s made our lives, it’s also resulted in us never being able to escape work.

As long as your work emails are coming through on a connected device that you take home with you, you’re going to read those emails and in some instances, you’re probably going to end up working.

So it’s no wonder that some people start to feel a little overwhelmed by it all and turn into raging maniacs in the workplace, destroying everything and everyone in their path.

If you need a little stress relief in your day, take a look at this supercut of people losin’ they dayum minds at work and take comfort in the fact that you are not alone.

 

 

Who needs stress relief when you’ve got a can of gasoline at the ready?

Words to live by right there…

-ST

05
Aug
13

In One Week I’ll Be A Dad

baby-in-wombWhat no one tells you about being an expectant parent is how often you are going to be asked the question “Are you / you guys excited?” in the nine months leading up to the big day.

There is only one answer to this question, which is something I found out the hard way when I decided to answer “No,” for shits one time and everyone in the room went quiet and stared at the floor.

Don’t do what “Tiger Don’t” does. Always answer yes to that question even though in truth, a word like “excited” covers maybe one tenth of what you feel in the months leading up to parenthood.

There have been moments when I’ve felt ecstatic, when I’ve felt like I’ve jammed my tongue in a wall socket and 10 000 volts of current are coursing through me. We’ve created LIFE! Thanks to J-Rab and I, a little girl is going to be born who’s going to experience all the wonder of this life with the two of us to guide her through it.

The list of firsts that she’s going to experience are endless. Her first feed, her first diaper change, the first time she smiles, the first time she sleeps through the night, her first tooth, her first word, her first step, the first time she tastes ice-cream, her first trip to the zoo, the first time she tells us she loves us.

When you think about all that, you feel amazing. It’s the natural way of the world, it’s our sole biological function – to survive, reproduce and ensure the survival of our offspring. You feel that when you’re an expectant parent, the interconnectedness of it all.

There’s another side to it though, the side that creeps in uninvited at 3am when you’re lying awake bracing yourself for a future that you have no idea if you can handle.

A different list of firsts emerges during those hours. The first time she cries and won’t stop, the first time she gets sick, her first bruise, her first cut, the first time you let her down, the first time you make a mistake that you know is going to effect her her whole life, the first time you have to explain to her that one day, no matter how well you live your life, no matter how good you are as a person and how much joy you bring to this world, you will die.

The first time she gets her heart broken. The first time she tells you you’re the worst parents in the world.

When you get into that frame of mind, everything changes. You no longer see the world as a place of wonder but rather a place of hidden dangers and unnumbered sorrows. You think about your own parents and how even though they only ever wanted the best for you, even they made mistakes which, in the face of becoming a parent, are suddenly a whole lot more forgivable than they were when they happened.

And somewhere around 4am, after thinking round and round in circles you reach the inevitable question that every first parent asks themselves during the 9 months leading up to the big day, “What the hell am I doing?”

What the hell am I doing bringing another person into this world besides setting her up for the same crippling blows that life deals out indiscriminately and with cruel abandon to everyone who lives it?

What right do I have to visit that suffering on anyone? We had a choice, we could have taken more precautions, we could have been more careful, this poor little baby doesn’t have that choice. Thanks to something we did she exists now and even though it may have nothing to do with us whatsoever, we will forever feel like if something bad happens to her, it’s our fault.

It’s heavy, I know. It’s not the kind of thing expectant parents admit freely, never mind post on a public forum for the whole world to read and judge, but I felt I had to write this if for no other reason than to let any other expectant parents out there feeling the same thing know that they are not alone.

There is one thought that pulls me through it all though, one crucial idea that I cling to and that has been a source of infinite hope during the tough times we’ve been through and it is something J-Rab’s mom said to her that I’ve never forgotten.

Yes, the world is a tough, scary place and yes, there are all ready far too many of us in it, BUT the world is still sorely lacking in one very valuable commodity: good people.

And that’s all there is to it. You do your best, you love her as much as humanly possibly, you give her every opportunity you can and help her as much as you can along the way and if you get that right, you bolster the count of good people in this world by one.

It’s a lot easier said than done, but I have the best woman by my side any guy could ask for, not to mention some pretty incredible family and friends who I know I can always turn to when the going gets tough.

And that’s why, when all is said and done and people ask me if I’m excited to be a dad, I smile and I say yes I am.

I’m ready.

I’m ready Winking smile

-ST

01
Aug
13

Two Movie Trailers That Are Rad (And Don’t Feature Superheroes)

StillerSilver Linings Playbook was a cool movie. Especially the part where Bradley Cooper’s character Patrick throws Hemmingway’s A Farewell To Arms out his bedroom window because he hates the ending.

Impulsive shit like that is cool. Turns out the director David O. Russell has already made his next one American Hustle, staring Christian Bale, Bradley Cooper, Amy Adams, Jeremy Renner and Jennifer Lawrence.

And if that trailer doesn’t excite you, I’m posting another for the new Ben Stiller movie that he directed and stars in called The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty that I also think looks pretty sick.

But here’s American Hustle first:

 

 

And here’s The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty:

 

 

Very cool trailer. That song that plays throughout is “Dirty Paws” by Of Monsters And Men. I’d buy that album right now if I were you. It’s called My Head Is An Animal.

Ok. Back to work.

-ST

31
Jul
13

Rollin’ Boulders

how-to-avoid-traffic-jams-35319_2The alarm goes off, you get up, you shuffle off to have a piss, you summon the strength to go through the motions.

In the shower, sleep slides off you, swirls down the plughole. You like the water scalding hot, needles of fire burning into you. It’s good to be alive.

You make breakfast, you think about the day ahead.

Hopefully this action, thinking about the day ahead, fills you with purpose and makes you smile and think, “Cool. I got this. I can do this. Piece of cake.”

You get dressed, pick out something you feel good in, something you haven’t already worn to death. You gather your things, walk out to the car, maybe pause to look at the sky and remind yourself that no matter what happens, at the end of the day what you do or don’t do really means nothing in comparison to the vast expanse of everything stretching above you.

Hopefully you don’t think that though. That’s a dangerous way to think.

You hate the radio but you listen to it every morning. You wonder what happened to that guy who went to extremes burning MP3s to CD so he could avoid having to listen to the radio. It wouldn’t even have to be that drastic nowadays – a few MP3s on a flash stick would do the trick, but some strange part of you would rather listen in passive hatred than change the station.

At work you set your laptop up, make some coffee and kill the first half-hour on Facebook looking at your friends with their fiancés or their wives or their babies or their summer holidays in Europe. Half an hour can easily become an hour as you lose yourself in the minutia of other people’s lives.

You work, because that’s how life is. You tick the boxes, scratch things off the to-do list, move up the ladder, learn, grow, advance and work some more. You focus on the future, you set goals and work steadily at achieving them only to do it again and again.

And that’s great. You’re doing really well if you can get that right. You love what you do so it comes naturally. The other members of your team at work value your input, they’re glad to have you, when you walk into boardrooms, you command respect effortlessly and behind your back people whisper about how you’re the guy that’s going to make things happen.

You’re doing so well. Your family is proud of you. Things couldn’t have turned out better.

You’re doing so well. You play the game like it’s second nature, which is strange because there was a time when you swore you’d never be the exact person you are.

There was a time when you would go to ridiculous extremes not to have to listen to the radio.

But that’s just what they were, ridiculous extremes. You want to swim against the current your whole life, that’s fine, but you’re no salmon. Some people are, but not you. You’re a trout if I ever saw one.

The hours slide off the clock and before you know it you’re back in the gym change room, old-man dick everywhere you look. You get changed and throw everything you have into your routine.

“Pain is weakness leaving the body.”

At home you shower again and eat mainly protein for dinner – the more, the better. Maybe you work a bit or watch some TV, do whatever it is you do to unwind at the end of a satisfying day.

Or maybe you stare out the balcony window, look up at the night sky and wonder, like your father and his father and his father before him did, why you are here. Again. After so many other times, making the same goddamn mistakes you always do.

All this potential. All that blood spilled, all those sacrifices made for what?

Hopefully you don’t think like that.

It’s a dangerous way to think.

-ST