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20
May
11

The Friday Metal Band Name Challenge

By SlickTiger 4 Comments
Categories: Killer Posts
Tags: , , , ,

It’s a well-known fact that if a man goes without sex for long enough, he starts seriously considering starting a metal band.

It’s either that or self-destruct in a testosterone-fuelled explosion that could level an entire city block.

Instead, for the good of mankind he starts wearing black T-shirts, black nail polish, gets a whole bunch of tattoos he’s definitely going to regret the day he starts getting regular sex and finds other men who can’t get laid to start a band that, ironically, plays music that limits their chances of getting laid even more.

 

 

I am of course generalising here, but to me there’s always been something about metal that stinks of frustration and desperation. I speak from experience here because between in my early teens I LOVED metal which, believe it or not, was also a time in my life when I would have literally given a toe to get laid.

Coincidence? I don’t fucking think so.

But, as any decent metal band will tell you, it’s not enough to just belt out insanely fast metal accompanied by guttural roaring while everyone in the band whips their long, dirty hair around in a slow spin cycle like some kind of washing machine from hell.

You also need a fucking evil name AND it must be written in the most retarded way possible so that it’s basically impossible to read.

I found some great examples of this on a flyer I randomly picked up at Mercury about a month back, so with no further ado, I present to you THE FRIDAY METAL BAND NAME CHALLENGE, GGGGWWWWWWAAAAAAAAARRARARARARARGHGHRGAHGHGH!

 

 

The first one’s piss easy. These guys really could have tried a little harder, let’s be honest. Despite the slightly confusing way the letters are mashed together, we can still clearly make out both the vowels and consonants and though the spacing between words is a total mess I think it’s pretty safe to say that this band is called “A Walk With The Wicked”.

Sorry guys, but more effort is needed with his one I’m afraid. All in all I give this band name a 4/10.

On to contestant number two!

 

 

Beautiful. Just have a look at that one again. Impressive work. See the way they’ve totally fucked all the letters up so that the band name makes “angry eyes”? This kind of name makes other metal bands quake in terror while the rest of us wonder what the fuck a “Suiderbeez” is.

That’s what I’m getting from this – Suiderbeez. Anyone else care to hazard a guess? Maybe Zuiderbeez?

“Zuiderzee” was a shallow bay of the North Sea in the northwest of the Netherlands, but I’m pretty sure the second angry eye is a malformed “b”, but yeah, I could be wrong…

Either way, these guys have done a bang up job. Their band name looks evil, angry and is damn near unreadable – I give this one a solid 8/10. Bang up job guys.

Now prepare yourselves for the motherfuckin’ UNHOLY MESS that is motherfuckin’ band name number three MOTHERFUCKERS!

 

 

I really hope you were sitting down for that, cause these guys smashed this one right out of the fucking park!

What is going on here? Seriously, can anyone please tell me what that fucking word says?! Every goddamn letter looks like an “H”. The best I got is “Heateast”? Or maybe “Fighthens”? Fuck, that must be it! “Fight Hens!” Makes perfect sense! Don’t take any shit from those egg-laying little bitches – FIGHT HENS!

Anyone else got any ideas? Cause I’m fresh out…

In a way I guess it’s quite smart marketing for the band because this way I might actually be persuaded to catch a live show just to find out what the hell they are called. What did the English language ever do to them that made them so angry they had to write their band name in the “Church Of Satan On Crack” font?

These guys get a 10/10. Actually fuck it, they get an 11/10 because fonts like that don’t just appear out of nowhere, it takes countless hours of praying to Satan to get that shit right.

And that brings us to the end of the Friday Metal Band Name Challenge. Feel free to submit more if you feel they can live up to the epic standard set by Fight Hens and have yourselves a killer weekend Winking smile

-ST

19
May
11

Slicktiger Rocks The Xbox Kinect (week 1)

By SlickTiger 1 Comment
Categories: Uncategorized
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So as many of you who follow me on Twitter probably know from the pic I posted last week, I’ve recently gotten my hands on the Xbox Kinect system for a three week review, along with three games, Kinect Sports, Kinect Adventures and Dance Central.

 

 

I took the review unit I received home last week and connected it up to my TV / stereo system in no time. It’s dead easy to hook up and connecting the Kinect sensor is as easy as plugging a wire into your Xbox and positioning the sensor in a spot near the TV where it can clearly see you (I put it on the tv itself. We’re rocking an old-school CRT TV monitor because, well, it was a hand-me-down from a late gran and we can’t afford anything else).

Here’s where things get freaky. Soon as the sensor is plugged in and fired up, it actively starts looking for you. It moves its little sensor-head (that kinda looks like Johnny 5’s head from the film Short Circuit) up and down until it has a lock on not only your body, but also exactly where it is positioned in relation to the sensor.

 

 

In layman’s terms, this means the Kinect not only tracks your movements from left to right, but also tracks your movement towards and away from the sensor (your depth, in other words).

I fired up Kinect Sports first and eagerly performed my stretches while the game started.

Fair warning at this point (courtesy of @HollieHepburn), put some clothes on. As much as you, like me, might look forward to nothing more at the end of your day than coming home, stripping down and getting to work on a bottle of fine scotch, just keep in mind that the Xbox takes pics of you while you game.

You can choose to share these pics or keep them private, but either way, they are stored on the device somewhere, and much like that porn video you shot for the fun of it one drunken night with your girlfriend at the time, they could get you in trouble…

 

 

We then proceeded to spend the next three hours, totally immersed in Kinect Sports, where we took part in everything from long jump to ping pong, using just our bodies and were both amazed at how responsive and accurate the sensor is.

Running on the spot makes your character sprint around a track, making a throwing gesture over your head launches a javelin, kicking makes him pass a soccer ball, a straight bowling gesture makes him bowl a straight ball while a curved one puts some spin on it – that’s some next level shit right there!

 

 

Needless to say, our first experience of the Xbox Kinect system was a lot of fun and the first thing we thought to do was call up all our friends and invite them around to play as well.

The Kinect is definitely more fun when you play with at least another two or three people. As a solo gamer it would probably feel a little lonely gaming by yourself, but hey, you can always take all your clothes off to make it interesting Winking smile

Stay tuned for more write-ups as I get more into the Xbox Kinect system and keep a special eye out for the Dance Central episode, which promises to be packed full of pictures of me and J-Rab shakin’ it like ritards on the living room dancefloor.

Good times.

-ST

18
May
11

VOTE ZOLTRON!

By SlickTiger 4 Comments
Categories: Uncategorized
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Democracy is important, which is why today you should vote Zoltron.

Zoltron is not just any interplanetary conqueror / destroyer, Zoltron is also a kind and sensitive slavemaster who, as you can see in the picture below, happens to love nature and even has a plant that is his friend.

A vote for Zoltron is a vote for happiness, which is why his campaign slogan is “Think of the puppies”.

With Zoltron as your undisputed Lord and Master, you’ll never have to worry about getting a job because everyone will automatically be employed for Zoltron. You’ll also never have to feel self-conscious about how much you earn because everyone will earn the same amount!*

So c’mon. Be a pal and vote Zoltron. You know it’s right, I know it’s right and Zoltron, well, there is no right and wrong for Zoltron, just his undisputed rule or a slow and torturous death.

Have you thought of the puppies?

Vote Zoltron today!

 

 

-ST

*Nothing

17
May
11

A Post For The Children

By SlickTiger Leave a Comment
Categories: Uncategorized
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Once in awhile, us kind folks here at SlickTiger Industries take a break from posting about completely random / crazy / mentally disturbing subject matter and try to do a little good in this cold, cruel world of ours.

Of course, these posts are seldom very popular because no one is interested in humanitarianism unless there’s something in it for them.

Don’t be one of those people. A good friend of mine is entering the following video into the 2011 Cannes Lions 48 Hour Ad Contest. She scripted, shot and edited this video in exactly two days in order to raise awareness for http://www.savethechildren.org/invest-in-health

Click this video twice to open and watch it in YouTube and when you’re done, click the ‘like’ button under the video.

It will take exactly one minute to do, but could end up saving a child’s life.

 

 

I know you guys will do the right thing here, you’re badass that way Winking smile

 

 

-ST

16
May
11

Altered Art Monday

By SlickTiger Leave a Comment
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It’s a weird week for us Saffas with Wednesday being a public holiday so today I thought I’d post some art that reflects that.

Here’s a collection of what’s known as ‘altered thrift store art’ or, in other words, really cheesy and over-sentimental vignettes that people (mostly Banksy actually) have fucked with and made awesome.

Much like this week Winking smile

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

-ST

13
May
11

Mindgun – One Seriously Badass Site

By SlickTiger Leave a Comment
Categories: Being Slick
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

The saying goes that you’ll never meet your future wife in a bar and I think there’s a lot of truth in that, but man-o-man, if I had to write a list of all the twisted, crazy fuckers who’ve ended up being great friends that I met in bars, it would be a goddamn mile long!

Mr D was one of those fine, upstanding maniacs (read this story as proof). I met him on a night when I was playing a gig in Grahamstown. He was knocking back a pint of stout and eyeing the bar like at any minute he might pull a knife out and lay into someone for making eye contact, so naturally I walked over and started up a conversation with the man.

 

 

We struck up a friendship that I regard as a personal best based on the acres of common ground we shared through the bands we listened to, the questionable literature (mainly comic books) and movies we were into and our common appreciation of the whisky-drinking, hard-living, party-loving legacy artists like Jim Morrison left as an example for us mere mortals to live up to.

And man-o-man, did Mr D and I live it up. We eventually worked as barmen at the same dodgy-assed pizza joint where our only mission from one shift to the next was to see just how drunk we could get without passing out / getting fired.

Those were the old days, the bad days, the all or nothing days. It was blood for blood by the gallon and we were ready for war Winking smile

Over the years we went our separate ways. Mr D now teaches English in Korea, but recently we’ve been able to stay in contact thanks to the blog site he started, Mindgun.

The man is a killer photographer and actually worked as a staff photographer for The Argus (among other papers) in Cape Town before he left for Korea.

His mission with Mindgun is to take a picture everyday and write a couple sentences / paragraphs about it so his photographic muscle doesn’t atrophy while he’s over there.

I’ve thrown in a couple of my favourites below and as you can see, he’s no slouch behind a lens.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He’s a great writer and an even better shooter so his site gets my full recommendation as an awesome place to stop by when you have a minute. It’s also pretty fascinating to read about Korea and his experience of it from the cuisine (pig spine soup and dog penis fish) to its culture and history and Mr D is right in the thick of it, guns blazing, writing about what he sees in the only way he knows how – with 100% unashamed honesty.

So be a pal and bookmark the man’s site, you’ll be a better person for it.

Otherwise have yourselves a killer weekend party people, I’ll see you all same time, same place on Monday.

Until then Winking smile

-ST

12
May
11

Album Launch: Taxi Violence – Long Way From Home

By SlickTiger Leave a Comment
Categories: Being Slick, Events, Gig Reviews and Good Times
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Awhile back I bitched and moaned about how South African bands are a bunch of limp dick unclefuckers who need to man the fuck up and play some dirty, sexy rock music already.

Well, I’m happy to say I can add one band to the list of SA bands I actually like and that band is Taxi Violence.

I saw them live at Mercury a month or two back when they did a seriously killer cover of “Riders On The Storm” with We Set Sail. I was well impressed not only with the cover, but also Taxi Violence themselves who, much like Queens Of The Stone Age, have breathed life back into old school 60s / 70s rock and made it unapologetically badass.

 

 

Then, about two weeks back, I ran into George (frontman and vocalist) at Mercury and did this thing I do when I’m drunk when I shoot the breeze with people in bands like I’m catching up with an old highschool buddy.

It’s a test because some people in bands think they’re God’s fucking gift to the planet so I talk to them like they’re normal humans and they either act like I’m a weirdo and run away or they shoot the breeze back and we end up having epic discussions about music and the South African scene.

George definitely proved to be a stand up guy and even invited me to check out the launch of their acoustic album Long Way From Home.

So J-Rab and I headed on down to the Plane-arium for an intimate showcase of what the Taxi lads have been up to and I was pretty blown away.

 

 

Old favourites like “The Mess”, “Devil ‘n Pistol” and “The Turn” sound like they’ve been taken apart and rebuilt from scratch, a refreshing change from most bands who just swap electric guitars for acoustic ones and serve up warmed up leftovers thinly disguised as an album actually worth listening to.

Their acoustic rendition of “Heads and Tails” is particularly noteworthy both on the album and when they played it live. It was pretty hilarious us all reclining on our seats in the Plane-arium with the stars wizzing overhead because whenever Taxi got the crowd bopping your seatback would start moving in time to the music as other people sitting in the same row literally “rocked” out. “Heads And Tails” produced that effect immediately.

They’ve also shot a new video for the song, which they opened their set with which sadly they haven’t uploaded to their YouTube channel yet, but look out for it when they do, it’s a very cool take on the Groundhog Day premise and, in keeping with the song, asks the question if you knew the dice were rigged, how would you play the game?

 

 

One of my songs they played was their new track “Long Way From Home”, about a country boy hitting the big city, a dreamer who “Followed the buzz until he hit the hive”. It’s got an upbeat, bluesy / rock flavour played with bright, jangling guitars and tambourines that reminded me of some of the earlier Supergrass albums.

I’d highly recommend checking out Taxi’s FB page for their upcoming gigs so you can get a chance to hear their acoustic set and, if you’re lucky enough, getting a picture with the square-headed mascott that adorns the new album cover.

 

 

So big up to George for the invite and the guys from Taxi Violence for a killer gig and for hooking me up with a copy of the new album. It doesn’t look like it in the picture below, but I was really stoked to get the actual, physical album. I think that’s the first CD I’ve been given in about 5 years.

 

 

-ST

11
May
11

Join The SPCWM Today!

By SlickTiger Leave a Comment
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: ,

Is there such a thing as cruelty toward washing machines?

I never used to think so, but then I watched this video and to be perfectly honest found it pretty disturbing.

I like having clean clothes just as much as the next person and besides shrinking a couple of sweaters and turning a load pink once because my shiny new speedo got mixed up with the whites, washing machines have never done anything to me that warrants this kind of abuse.

We can not let this kind of behaviour go on. Join the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Washing Machines TODAY to ensure that butchers such as the man in the following video don’t go unpunished.

And if you must watch this video, please ensure that no young children or washing machines under the age of three years are present.

Thank you.

 

 

-ST

10
May
11

Free Comic Book Day Hell’s Yeah!

By SlickTiger 7 Comments
Categories: Being Slick and Events
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Me and comic books go way back.

When I was about six years old, I went to stay with my crazy aunt and uncle for a few weeks while my folks were on holiday and basically had the time of my life.

 

 

Every day my uncle would arrive home with a bag of Tomato Sauce chips and two comic books tucked under his arm for me.

I still remember lying on the floor in the lounge of that mad, mushroom-shaped house, happily munching on the chips while my grubby red-stained fingers turned the pages hungrily.

Some of the comics he bought me were legit titles like Superman and Spiderman, but mostly they were a melting pot of a whole lot of weird shit that other countries probably weren’t buying so SA got them shipped in at super-low wholesale rates to stack news vendor shelves and warp fragile little minds like mine.

 

 

After that I didn’t really get back into them until my first year in high school when a buddy at the time who was completely obsessed filled me in on the entire X-Men saga that was going on at the time (Age Of Apocalypse, look it up, it was badass) and got me interested in the myriad of stories that comprise the Marvel universe.

His prize comic was the first Wolverine comic, published back in ‘89. Of course, Wolverine had featured in tons of X-Men comics before that, but ‘89 was the first time he was given his own title.

 

 

I always wanted to read that comic, but even taking it out of its cardboard-backed plastic sheath would have caused my buddy instant heart failure so I just admired the cover from a distance, feigning excitement when all I really felt was seething hatred for the spoilt little prick.

I eventually did get to read the entire Age Of Apocalypse series though when I was in hospital after an altercation with some asphalt that nearly left me dead, but that’s a story for another time Winking smile

During varsity I became friends with Graumpot, one of the biggest comic book freaks I’ve ever had the pleasure of living with.

Through him I read a buttload of comics – the entire Preacher series, the entire Invisibles series, most of Sandman, most of the Lucifer series, Wolverine: Origins and Wolverine: Ends, a whole bunch of Batman and one of my favourite Marvel comics of all time, Marvel Zombies (you HAVE to read it, it’s brilliant).

 

 

See, with comics I discovered one of life’s undeniable truths, that if there’s one thing better than a great novel, it’s a great novel with pictures.

So on Saturday I went through to Reader’s Den (across the street from Cavendish) for Free Comic Book Day, an international event that takes place on the first weekend in May where all comic book stores the world over hand out free comic books to whoever wants them.

J-Rab was working so I figured I’d kill some time and head on down to take pictures of the freaks, grab a free comic book or two and head home.

 

 

Then I made the mistake of browsing through the literally hundreds of graphic novels they were selling and what did I find? Volume 1 of a Wolverine graphic novel that included that first Wolverine comic I’d so coveted back when I was a zit-faced little shit kicker and even better than that, it was going for fifty bucks!

Right after that I found Volume 3, also going for fifty bucks! Then I made the rookie error of asking one of the guys working behind the tables scattered with graphic novels if he’d seen Volume 2 anywhere.

Within 5 minutes he’d told all his buddies helping him to look for it and next thing I knew they started off-loading Wolverine graphic novels on me like dump trucks at a landfill.

 

 

Two hundred and eighty bucks and an hour later I found myself shuffling back to my car with no less than five Wolverine graphic novels wandering what the fuck just happened.

But seriously, five graphic novels for R280 is pretty goddamn cheap. Normally it would have cost me R870 (no shit, the comics had the normal prices crossed out in red on all their covers with the new prices written underneath) which means normally I wouldn’t have bought fucking one, which means I still wasted R280.

Still though, I started reading them right after I got home and they’re pretty cool, very old school, but still badass.

And just in case I haven’t scared all my female readers off this site for life, look what else I found guys, the FIRST EVER comic book that ever featured Wolverine and it wasn’t even an X-Men comic, it was a fucking HULK comic!

 

 

I think we’ve all learned an important lesson here kids. When the next Free Comic Book Day rolls around take my advice and get there early with fistfuls of cash at the ready, wahoo!

-ST

09
May
11

A Joke For Mondays

By SlickTiger 3 Comments
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

When Mondays roll around, I think of this crusty old joke our science teacher told us back in prep school.

This guy dies and goes to hell and when he gets there, Satan’s waiting for the dude, dressed in a slick suit with a big, shit eating grin on his face.

 

 

He says to the guy, “The way it works down here is you got three choices how you want to spend the rest of eternity.”

“Um, ok,” says the guy nervously.

“So choose carefully,” Satan says and winks at the guy.

Satan opens the first door they come to and the guy looks inside and sees all manner of fucked up shit. Demons running amok, torturing people with knives and spears and swords and iron maidens, flaying people alive, impaling them, people screaming, blood and guts everywhere, pretty intense stuff.

 

 

Door number two is also full of demons torturing people, only this time around they’re burning the people alive, literally roasting their flesh, tossing them into pools of molten lava, stabbing them with white-hot pokers, the smell of burning flesh everywhere and of course, twice as much screaming as the room before.

 

 

“Ready for door number three?” Satan says, grinning.

The man gulps and nods his head.

Satan opens door number three and inside it are literally millions and millions of people standing chest-deep in shit, drinking tea.

“What? Is that it?” says the man. “Damn! I’ll take door number three thanks Satan!”

“Here’s your tea,” says Satan. “Enjoy”.

So off the guy goes, tea in hand, wading through the shit to find a spot where he can drink it when all of a sudden this loud, demonic voice comes over the loudspeaker and says.

“Right you wretched fuckers! Tea break’s over, back on your heads!”

 

Da dum. Tssshhh.

That’s what Monday to Friday is. Doing handstands in shit waiting for the sweet release of the weekend where you can finally come up for some air and a cup of nice, warm tea before going back down again.

Best part of it is we’re all in this together. So drink up and let’s dive back in shall we?

On three.

One. Two. Three.

Splat.

-ST

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