Regular readers of this blog probably know by now that I have a weird bent for things that “normal†people probably find unbearably crappy and difficult to sit through.
There’s just something about B-grade that fascinates me. It’s probably a knee-jerk reaction to the over-polished, super-slick, too-cool-for-school mass media world we live in.
There are only so many over-stylised, photoshopped depictions of “reality†I can handle before I start to get bored to tears. Show me something real fer chrissake! Show me something flawed, something fucked up, something truly terrible. It was this desire that lead me to find out about and subsequently watch the worst movie ever made: TROLL 2.
Now, before I get started I think I need to qualify just how bad this movie is.
You get run-of-the-mill bad movies that suffer from giant plot flaws, logical inconsistencies, poor character development, shocking acting, weak cinematography, clichéd writing and crap directing. A “bad†movie usually suffers from two or three of these flaws at the very most.
It’s very rarely that a movie gets everything wrong and when that does happen the end result is basically unwatchable.
Troll 2 is guilty of the following sins (to name a few):
- Not one cast member can act (with the possible exception of the “Crazy Store Owner†who, as it turns out, is actually crazy in real life so technically he was just being himself)
- The story makes no sense whatsoever when held up to even the slightest scrutiny. That’s the story, the surface-level “John goes to x, does y, result: zâ€. Don’t get me started on the plot (ie. what’s happening under the hood of this filmic example of staggering ineptitude), because it bungles the deeper themes and ideas so spectacularly, there may as well not be any
- Your 9 year-old niece could have shot it better blindfolded. Seriously.
- The dialogue swings violently between clichés that are so overused they have no meaning and lines that no human being should be able to say in any situation with a straight face
- The special effects truly are “specialâ€. Picture dwarves running around in burlap sacks with immoveable rubber facemasks and about a swimming pool’s worth of green jelly / slime dumped liberally throughout the film and you sort of have an idea of just how bad the “effects†are
- The soundtrack sounds like something the 80s puked out after a three week coke binge. Best moment: the shameless rip-off of “You Can Leave Your Hat On†during the movie’s one and only sex scene (SPOILER ALERT: It involves a corn cob and not in the way you, or anyone reading this, could ever imagine)
Those are just the sins that come to mind. Trust me, if given the chance to watch it again, I could probably find at least another five major flaws.
But to go back to my point, usually when a movie fails miserably at every conceivable facet of filmmaking the end result is unwatchable – THAT’S where Troll 2 is different.
Somewhere underneath the layers and layers of shit, this film has a lot of heart. It’s like that kid at school that had no friends, got picked on a bullied incessantly, failed every subject he ever took, was astoundingly goofy-looking and yet grew up to be a multi-gazillionaire and married a supermodel.
In fact, that’s a pretty apt summary of what happened to Troll 2.
The film was so bad it was released straight to VHS and aired only a handful of times on HBO before history relegated it to the bargain bin of the local Walmart to collect dust for 18 years.
Then, probably thanks to the internet, word started spreading about just how shit this movie is and something crazy started happening.
People started to love it. It is so bad, so unintentionally hilarious, that thousands of people all over the world started tracking down copies, sharing them with their friends, re-enacting the scenes, making their own fan memorabilia and hosting viewings in big cinemas across America.
Somehow the original star of Troll 2, Michael Stephenson (who was about 10 years old when they shot the movie) got wind of the cult status that the movie was getting and decided to film a documentary about it.
And so, two nights after J-Rab and I watched Troll 2, we got our hands on that documentary which was shot in 2009 and is called The Best Worst Movie.
In stark contrast to Troll 2, The Best Worst Movie is actually a brilliant production. It had us pissing ourselves laughing at the almost absurd comedy of errors that resulted in Troll 2 a movie that, believe it or not, doesn’t have a single troll or even a reference to a troll in it.
If you share the same twisted sense of humour that I do, I’d strongly recommend hittin up your nearest video store to see if they have either title. If they don’t just hit up The Bay, they have great copies of both Troll 2 and The Best Worst Movie.
Before I sign off though, here’s Holly (the sister’s) infamous dance scene from the movie followed by a classic example of the acting and dialogue that makes this film so awesomely shit:
It’s like watching the world’s worst school play.
Good times I tell ya. Good times 
-ST
