Posts Tagged ‘tik

16
Jul
12

“Steve” Found Dead In Hillbrow Apartment

By SlickTiger Leave a Comment
Categories: Satire, Irony And Vitriol
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

hanging-man-450Yesterday evening, just before the Carte Blanche death-knoll sounded on SA TV’s across the country, police were called to the scene of an apparent suicide in the Hillbrow area.

Disgruntled Beep Bank employee “Steve” was found hanging in his flat by his landlord who had received complaints of a “bad smell” coming from the apartment.

“The minute that smell hit me, I knew that Steve had offed himself,” said Themba Sisolezi, Steve’s neighbour. “Everyone hated the guy, including me. I’m so glad he’s dead, everyone is.”

Steve, who was appointed to the acquisition and retention branch of Beep Bank just over a year ago, was ostracised on a daily basis by every human he came into contact with because Beep Bank don’t offer a banking app or free iPads.

“It was heart-breaking to watch him fall apart,” said Steve’s ex-wife, Miranda Riley, “day in and day out he was on the phone, begging people not to cancel their accounts with Beep Bank only to find that every person he called had left Beep Bank so they could get a free iPad.

“It took a huge toll on him as a person,” continued Riley, “and eventually broke his spirit so completely that I no longer recognised him as the man I fell in love with. He started drinking heavily and smoking a lot of tik with homeless people because they don’t have bank accounts or know what iPads are.”

 

 

Shortly after news of his suicide was reported, social media networking site Twitter was abuzz with jubilant tweets expressing how much better life is going to be for South Africans without Steve.

“So awsum he’s dead,” tweeted Sxygrrrll7765_1, “evry time i herd his voice i vommed a bit in my mouth LOL :-O”

“steev sux!” read another tweet from Wozza76, “trying to sell me reatrded banking charges more like wanking charges! o_0”

A memorial service for him is planned under the 5th street bridge where his only friend, a homeless man who goes by the name “Papa Joe” will smoke a lightbulb and scatter Steve’s ashes in the dumpster where he was known to sleep from time to time after a particularly hard day of being pelted with rocks.

 

 

“I’ll miss that guy,” said Papa Joe in a statement to the press earlier today, “he always made he feel better about myself because of what a gigantic douche he was. It’s not all bad though. Thanks to his drunken emotional outpourings I now know a lot of stuff about banking.

“I even have a bank account now!” continued Papa, “check out my sweet iPad!”

-ST

26
Jul
11

The Amy Winehouse Post

By SlickTiger 4 Comments
Categories: Killer Posts
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Amy Winehouse Nice Photos 3Throughout most of her life, I wished Amy Winehouse would just hurry up and die already. For nearly three years she dominated local and international tabloids, every image of her somehow looking worse than the last.

It was like one of those wildlife documentaries where the film makers follow some poor, sick animal that’s dying in the wild and instead of helping it, they just film it getting weaker and weaker until it croaks.

It was clear to me that there was absolutely no hope for her. Her life degenerated to the point where all she seemed capable of doing was getting totally wasted and babbling incoherently like a bergie on a tik binge.

Was I surprised that she died on the weekend? Not in the slightest. I don’t think anyone was, in fact I think people were a lot more focussed on the tragedy that happened in Norway and rightly so.

But her death did make me stop and think about her for a minute, which was all it took to make me realise that I have no idea who Amy Winehouse was.

I honestly can’t remember ever seeing any proper interviews with her or ever hearing her speak when she wasn’t clearly off her face so I did a little digging online and found some early interviews with her and a couple of pictures of her before she got stuck into the drugs and the person I found couldn’t have been more different from the monster the media portrayed her to be.

 

 

Amy Winehouse had a wicked sense of humour and she was as feisty as they come. She had a gorgeous voice and was a truly talented performer and songwriter and back before she got strung out on crack she was a seriously beautiful woman.

I also realised that we’re the same age, give or take about a month, which kinda brought her death and life into focus for me because what the hell have I achieved at 27? How many Brit Awards have I won? How many Grammys? How many MTV VMAs?

 

 

I’d like to remember her as the person I met today. Not the fiend she became. We take for granted how easy it is for celebrities to fall into drugs and how fucking difficult it is to get out of that dark, dark hole.

So RIP Amy, wherever you might be, and thank you for the music, may it live on for longer than your brief stop-over on this crazy, beautiful, fucked up world.

 

 

-ST