Posts Tagged ‘survivor

08
Aug
12

The 3 Survivor Seasons They Would Never Make But Totally Should

By SlickTiger Leave a Comment
Categories: Satire, Irony And Vitriol
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Jeff Probst Tribal Council SurvivorJ-Rab and I are hopelessly addicted to Survivor. There, I’ve said it. Judge me all you like, but holy balls that show is addictive.

We know people who know people and get us all the Survivor seasons before SA gets them (SABC 3 is about to wrap up S20, in the States they’re about to start S25).

Then we curl up to watch an entire season in two or three nights, one episode after the next until it’s finished, like two junkies mainlining reality TV, which is how I got to thinking about the kinds of Survivor seasons I’d make if I were in charge.

On SA TV we’ve been watching Survivor: Heroes vs Villians which, to my knowledge, is the first time Survivor has grouped people into tribes based on their perceived moral characteristics.

In a later season they group people into tribes of old people vs young people and men vs women, both of which make for pretty entertaining TV, but let’s be honest, it’s high time they put a twisted fucker in the driving seat to take things to the next level and I think I have just the guy for the job…

 

SURVIVOR: FIT VS FAT

At least half the people they put on Survivor definitely spend the months leading up to the show hitting the gym like a buncha maniacs so that they look pretty schweet when they get on the show hey boet?

But once in awhile, you get contestants who could definitely stand to lose a bit of weight. I say why stop there? Let’s get some people who are 10 meals ahead and 5 shits behind on the show. Some people who are seriously fighting anorexia and kicking it’s ASS.

Then on the other team, we pack it full of monster KLAP GYM okes and belters, dripping with spray tan and pumped so full of roids they are dangerously close to full on heart attacks at any minute.

 

 

The two teams compete as per usual, but if you get voted out, you get sent to Starvation Island where all there is is a treadmill and some rice cakes to keep you going.

Watch the ultimate irony as all the BUFF OKES muscle starts turning to fat and all the fat peoples fat just gets burned off.

Who will Outwit, Outplay, Outlast the others when there’s no pie / dangerous anabolic steroids to keep them going?

SURVIVOR: RETARDS VS GENIUSES

This one sounds like it would be completely one-sided right from the get go, but anyone who’s actually watched the show will tell you straight that retards get ridiculously far in the game of survivor, as they do in the game of LIFE.

 

 

Sit back in the comfort of your home and watch while the Genius tribe bickers endlessly about the nature of existence and personal identity and the necessity of constructing sea water to fresh water solar converters from coconut husks and palm fronds.

Meanwhile, back at Retard camp, nobody has fire or even a shelter that works, but the retards have discovered that if they bury each other in the sand every evening, they can stay warm and dry (sort of).

Laugh your ass off as the two tribes merge and the Retards band together, only to forget who it was they were supposed to vote for while the Geniuses out-think things so hectically that they crumble into self-doubt and paranoia and end up voting themselves off in a misguided attempt to take the moral high-ground and flat out refuse to play the game.

 

SURVIVOR: BLACKS VS WHITES

The most hotly contested and controversial of any Survivor series ever, Survivor: Blacks vs Whites sees racism taken to a whole other level as the gloves come off between African Americans and Caucasians.

Watch everything generations of liberals have fought for come crashing down as racial stereotypes are enforced in a desperate struggle for the million.

In keeping with human history,  on day one the Black tribe makes its way to it’s ghetto beach where a deluge of trash keeps washing up on their shores and homeless people come at night to steal their food, while the White tribe takes residence in their ocean-front colonial estate.

 

 

The Blacks win in the end though, because no matter how much the Whites scramble, they fail hopelessly at one challenge after the next and end up going to the merge with only two members left.

Realising they were being total jerks all along, the remaining Whites offer up their colonial beach-front property to the Blacks who accept it willingly and then vote the whites off anyway.

With no Whites left in the game, the Blacks make and break alliances so regularly that rioting breaks out at tribal councils, causing most of the tribal councils to be disbanded.

Eventually the season comes to a dramatic finale when two out of the final three turn up dead in the jungle, leaving only one person eligible for the million, which actually turns out to be just over $200 000 (the Whites ended up spending most of it on the general upkeep and maintenance of their beach-front property).

 

 

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I’ll never be allowed to produce a reality TV series.

Ever.

-ST

28
Jun
12

New Muse Single Sounds Like… Muse

By SlickTiger Leave a Comment
Categories: Radass Videos and Sick Tracks
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museI mentioned yesterday that Muse were going to debut their new single on BBC Radio One yesterday evening and I’d try get my filthy mitts on it for you guys and thanks to Civilian, it’s a done deal.

No idea why music sites reported that Muse were going to debut the single “Unsustainable” off their new album The 2nd Law, because they debuted “Survivor”.

Get used to hearing this one, it’s been selected as the official song for the 2012 Olympics which is awesome when I think back to the fact that the first Olympics I remember watching was in 1992 and the official song was written by Pavarotti.

The times they are a changin’ boys and girls. Hoo-wee!

So here it is in it’s epic, operatic, face-melting glory. A song for the Olympics. About winning. Fancy that.

There isn’t really a video to go with it yet, but who needs a video when you have an awesome yellow block of Muse / 2012 Olympics co-branding?

 

 

So whaddya think party people? It’s no Knights Of Cydonia that’s for damn sure. And the lyrics “Race / Life’s a race / And I’m gonna win / Yes I’m gonna win / I’ll light the fuse / I’ll never lose” are a little weak.

No sign of any dubstep thus far though, so yeah… could be worse I guess…

-ST

25
Jan
10

Existor: A Whole Other Level Of Reality TV

By SlickTiger 2 Comments
Categories: Killer Posts
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So I’ve got this idea for a killer reality TV series, I’ve had it for awhile actually and I’m gonna lay it on you, but please promise me you won’t steal it, I like you and wouldn’t want to have to track you down and feed you to the pigs.

 

 

Everyone has watched the mother of all reality shows, Survivor, at some stage or another. It was the original reality show (except maybe Big Brother? Not too sure…) and people lapped that shit up because it exploited our twin desires to indulge our voyeuristic tendencies and fantasize about what it would be like to be ‘stranded’ on a tropical island with a bunch of complete strangers.

The show was wildly popular and has spawned no less than nine-fucking-teen seasons (according to WikiAnswers, but I’m not sure how this is even possible? If they make one a year, this means they started in 1991, wtf?!). I’ll admit, I still watch them. It’s just such a rad way to watch human beings interacting with and manipulating one another. If you got a hold of all 19 seasons and watched them all, I swear to god, you’d be able to write the most mind-blowing thesis about the human mind when augmented through the lens of ‘reality’ TV.

 

 

But anyway, enough of that bollocks, I think I’ve introed the fuck out of this thing, let’s get to the juicy bits already!

My reality TV show would be called EXISTOR, and yes, it would be written all in caps like that, because it would be THE BEST REALITY TV SERIES EVER!

The premise is dead simple. You launch a MASSIVE worldwide viral campaign calling for entrants from the age of 18 upward, then select 42 of the people who apply, making sure you get an accurate worldwide demographic and you dump those fuckers unceremoniously on an island in the middle of fucking nowhere, say ‘too-de-loo muthufukkahs’, and never interact with them again.

 

 

Meanwhile, the island is rigged to hell and back with literally thousands of cameras and mics, all remotely operated, as well as about 30 broadcast-quality live cams that the contestants are given to do whatever they want with, but that’s it. There are no cute little challenges to determine who gets the rice or not, there are no immunity idols and there is no getting voted off the island.

It’s not Survivor, it’s EXISTOR, there is one goal, and only one goal – don’t die.

The audience would watch as the people on the island formed natural alliances and built real shelters and hunted and cultivated their own food, because basically, those people we dumped on the island? They’d never leave. That would be their LIFE, and we’d get to watch it all either in highlights packages every week, or live from the cameras we give the contestants or the thousands of other cameras around the island, which the audience would be able to flick through and operate themselves… somehow (I’ll leave that to the tech guys to figure out).

The only interaction between us and them would be when we sent technicians to fix the cameras and drop off new cameras and batteries for the contestants, but even those people would be deployed in the dead of night and, like fucking ninjas, would creep around and swap out dead cameras with new ones.

 

 

Over time, the contestants would fall in love with one another, they’d have children on the island, a whole new generation would grow up on camera and take control of the island and we’d get to sit back at home, in the comfort of our living rooms and watch the miracle of human life unfold before us, untainted by the promise of reward or fame or any of the other bullshit that makes reality TV anything but.

People would die on the island. They’d get married, they’d promise to love one another for all time, they’d cheat on one another and in a jealous rage, they’d fight and maybe even kill one another, and we’d keep the cameras rolling, always rolling, for all time.

And who knows the effect it would have on us? Would we even be able to watch it? Maybe we need the hosts on TV and the elaborate immunity challenges to remind us that no matter how real it feels, it’s not real.

I can see it now, the initial hype would be HUGE! People would watch non-stop, they’d be glued to their TVs, completely addicted, but over time their attention deficit would cause their interest in the show to dwindle. Then one day, years later, they’d read about one of their favourite contestants dying on the island, or falling pregnant, or falling in love, and they switch back to EXISTOR, and there they’d all still be, but they’d be different and the contestants would tell their kids about the world they came from, a polluted world that was ruled by machines and guns and war and they’d explain why they chose to leave that world and never come back.

 

 

And 100 years into the show, children would be born that wouldn’t even understand what the cameras were and they’d walk barefoot, quiet as still water through the jungles and forests of the island, hunting wild boar, completely unaware that they were being watched by billions and billions of audience members that knew more about those children and their parent’s lives and their parent’s parents lives than those children would know or ever care to know.

EXISTOR. You heard it here first 😉

-ST