Posts Tagged ‘steroids

29
May
14

Why Crossfit Is For Flippin CHOPHEADS

By SlickTiger Leave a Comment
Categories: Klapping It and Radass Videos
Tags: , , , , , ,

Crossfit FAILLook, I don’t need to tell you guys, you ous are on the same waveslength as yuour pel Slicky-T, but crossfit is for serious flippin CHOPHEADS I mean come off it man, what the hell is WRONG with these ous?!

There’s only one way to train and that’s by klapping MONSTER weights, chowing enough protein to make your kidneys flippin EXPLODE and injecting FATAL DOSES of roids boet!

All this flippin squat, pull-up, flippin moff crossfit stuffs is for ous who don’t have the flippin’ BALLS to eat weights, put there bodies on the line EVERYDAY and have FULL-ON heart attacks by the time they reach their mid-40s.

So ja. These videos gave me a lag. Flippin chopheads…

 

 

So who wants so klap a bit of crossfit?!

Hey? Ja. Exactly.

-ST

08
Aug
12

The 3 Survivor Seasons They Would Never Make But Totally Should

By SlickTiger Leave a Comment
Categories: Satire, Irony And Vitriol
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Jeff Probst Tribal Council SurvivorJ-Rab and I are hopelessly addicted to Survivor. There, I’ve said it. Judge me all you like, but holy balls that show is addictive.

We know people who know people and get us all the Survivor seasons before SA gets them (SABC 3 is about to wrap up S20, in the States they’re about to start S25).

Then we curl up to watch an entire season in two or three nights, one episode after the next until it’s finished, like two junkies mainlining reality TV, which is how I got to thinking about the kinds of Survivor seasons I’d make if I were in charge.

On SA TV we’ve been watching Survivor: Heroes vs Villians which, to my knowledge, is the first time Survivor has grouped people into tribes based on their perceived moral characteristics.

In a later season they group people into tribes of old people vs young people and men vs women, both of which make for pretty entertaining TV, but let’s be honest, it’s high time they put a twisted fucker in the driving seat to take things to the next level and I think I have just the guy for the job…

 

SURVIVOR: FIT VS FAT

At least half the people they put on Survivor definitely spend the months leading up to the show hitting the gym like a buncha maniacs so that they look pretty schweet when they get on the show hey boet?

But once in awhile, you get contestants who could definitely stand to lose a bit of weight. I say why stop there? Let’s get some people who are 10 meals ahead and 5 shits behind on the show. Some people who are seriously fighting anorexia and kicking it’s ASS.

Then on the other team, we pack it full of monster KLAP GYM okes and belters, dripping with spray tan and pumped so full of roids they are dangerously close to full on heart attacks at any minute.

 

 

The two teams compete as per usual, but if you get voted out, you get sent to Starvation Island where all there is is a treadmill and some rice cakes to keep you going.

Watch the ultimate irony as all the BUFF OKES muscle starts turning to fat and all the fat peoples fat just gets burned off.

Who will Outwit, Outplay, Outlast the others when there’s no pie / dangerous anabolic steroids to keep them going?

SURVIVOR: RETARDS VS GENIUSES

This one sounds like it would be completely one-sided right from the get go, but anyone who’s actually watched the show will tell you straight that retards get ridiculously far in the game of survivor, as they do in the game of LIFE.

 

 

Sit back in the comfort of your home and watch while the Genius tribe bickers endlessly about the nature of existence and personal identity and the necessity of constructing sea water to fresh water solar converters from coconut husks and palm fronds.

Meanwhile, back at Retard camp, nobody has fire or even a shelter that works, but the retards have discovered that if they bury each other in the sand every evening, they can stay warm and dry (sort of).

Laugh your ass off as the two tribes merge and the Retards band together, only to forget who it was they were supposed to vote for while the Geniuses out-think things so hectically that they crumble into self-doubt and paranoia and end up voting themselves off in a misguided attempt to take the moral high-ground and flat out refuse to play the game.

 

SURVIVOR: BLACKS VS WHITES

The most hotly contested and controversial of any Survivor series ever, Survivor: Blacks vs Whites sees racism taken to a whole other level as the gloves come off between African Americans and Caucasians.

Watch everything generations of liberals have fought for come crashing down as racial stereotypes are enforced in a desperate struggle for the million.

In keeping with human history,  on day one the Black tribe makes its way to it’s ghetto beach where a deluge of trash keeps washing up on their shores and homeless people come at night to steal their food, while the White tribe takes residence in their ocean-front colonial estate.

 

 

The Blacks win in the end though, because no matter how much the Whites scramble, they fail hopelessly at one challenge after the next and end up going to the merge with only two members left.

Realising they were being total jerks all along, the remaining Whites offer up their colonial beach-front property to the Blacks who accept it willingly and then vote the whites off anyway.

With no Whites left in the game, the Blacks make and break alliances so regularly that rioting breaks out at tribal councils, causing most of the tribal councils to be disbanded.

Eventually the season comes to a dramatic finale when two out of the final three turn up dead in the jungle, leaving only one person eligible for the million, which actually turns out to be just over $200 000 (the Whites ended up spending most of it on the general upkeep and maintenance of their beach-front property).

 

 

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I’ll never be allowed to produce a reality TV series.

Ever.

-ST

09
Feb
10

The SlickTiger Guide to Klapping Gym Boet!

By SlickTiger 125 Comments
Categories: Killer Posts, Satire, Irony And Vitriol and Tiger Guides
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

As an oke with lots of mates who are also okes I can tell you straight that it’s every oke’s dream to get MASSIVE AND RIPPED and bang two hot blondes AT THE SAME TIME!

Once an oke has achieved this goal, he is happy and can spend the rest of his life sitting on the couch, drinking beer, watching sports and TELLING OTHER PEOPLE WHAT TO DO.

He has earned this right, nobody can take this right away from him and with my help you can earn this right too, but first you gotta learn the proper way to KLAP GYM BOET! or you’ll always be a loser who can’t pull hot chicks and spends friday nights at home twitting with his loser friends on the interweb.

STEP ONE TO KLAPPING GYM BOET!

The first step to klapping gym boet is to buy a fucking TIGHT VEST. This will intimidate your opponents in the gym and make the hot chicks there stare at you and you will be able to lift 15% heavier weights from the confidence boost it will give you.

Confidence is everything. A wise man once told me if you don’t have confidence, fuck off, and he was right.

Ideally, you want your vest to show your biceps, triceps, delts, traps, lats, pecs, but NOT NIPPLES! That’s flippin’ gay.

 

 

STEP 2 TO KLAPPING GYM BOET!

Everyone knows that to klap it PROPERLY in the gym you need to be as tanned AS CAN BE! Having a GREAT TAN in the gym will not only make all your muscles look RIPPED, but it will also show all the chicks checking you out that, yes, you are an outdoors kind of guy and not some gay moffie who’s scared to lie in the sun for 13 hours wearing a thong.

I went onto the internet to show you just how ripped and amazing okes look with a little bit of a tan.

 

 

The charna in the above photo has NAILED not only a flippin’ AMAZING tan, but also a hot blonde belter who probably called her friend who was also a hot blonde belter right after this picture was taken so they could bang this guy. AT THE SAME TIME!

His arm is MASSIVE and covered in veins. Fuck, I can’t look at this picture anymore. FUCK! I’m jealous…

 

 

What can I say about this charna’s AWESOME tan that would do ANY JUSTICE to him or how AWESOME he is? Look at his even, brown / orange skin tone, flippin’ HARDCORE man! Look at the clear line between his pecs – proof that this charna likes to KLAP THE GYM! AND HARD!

Such a shame about the bladdy rough chick on his left though, but I’m sure with a bit of blonde hair dye, 70 hours in the sun, 6 months in the gym and lekker big fake tits, she’d look ok. Not flippin’ hot. But ok. He could do better.

 

 

Please go back up and just look at this photo one more time. Please just do that RIGHT NOW CAUSE THIS OKE’S TAN IS MAKING ME KAK MY PANTS HIS FLIPPIN TAN IS SO AWESOME!

Look how MASSIVE AND RIPPED he is! You don’t need to tell an oke like this how to KLAP GYM BOET, he wrote the BOOK! He’s also wearing a backwards cap and sunglasses IN THE GYM, so automatically plus 40% to his confidence which means he will be able to lift 75% heavier weights!

Now THAT’S what a kief tan can do for YOU!

STEP 3 TO KLAPPING GYM BOET!

Step three is a crucial one, this is SERIOUS now, so PAY ATTENTION, I”M ONLY GONNA SAY THIS ONCE.

In a gym situation you are nothing, NOTHING! without your charnas. You think you can get flippin RIPPED and MASSIVE and bang two hot blonde chicks at the same time if you train by yourself? Fuck boet, are you stupid?

The okes you train with are your CHARNAS! They are your BROTHERS! They will be there for you to tell you ‘Fuck boet, you look HUGE!’ and ‘I want 5 MORE! I FLIPPIN’ WANT FIVE MORE!’ and ‘Is that a new vest? Flip boet, it really brings out the colour of your eyes.’

Without your charnas you are NOTHING! You’ll have NO ONE to shout at and NO ONE will stare at you in the gym, shaking their heads because they can’t believe how MASSIVE AND RIPPED you and your charnas are!

Look at these charnas. They obviously gym together. Look at the blonde belter the one oke is gonna bang with her best friend who is also a blonde belter as soon as she gets back from having her boobs juiced up to the max.

Flippin’ awesome.

 

 

STEP 4 TO KLAPPING GYM BOET

As with most things in life, an important part of klapping gym boet is knowing when to stop. There is a time in every Gym Boy’s life when he looks at himself, RIPPED and MASSIVE in the mirror and thinks to himself ‘I can’t even wipe my own arse anymore. Have I gone too far?’

Well, I’m here to tell you the answer to that question is NO!

When is it time to stop getting MASSIVE? NEVER!

Lots of chicks will say that they ‘Don’t like a man who is too massive’, but they’re flippin’ lying cause they LOVE IT! They’re just scared of his muscles, and can we blame them? NO!

Take a look at this photo and tell me who’s going to win this ‘Who is the MASSIVEST?’ competition:

 

 

Let’s see. Is it going to be Mr ‘I look like Eddie Murphy in a red speedo’ there on the right? Or maybe Mr ‘I thought about injecting horse growth hormones but decided not to’ there in the middle?

NO! Fuck, are you stupid?! It’s going to be the FLIPPIN’ HUGE OKE on the right who’s so MASSIVE AND RIPPED his two blonde belter girlfriends have to brush his teeth for him and doctors say he won’t live past 35! KLAP IT BOET!

Do you think he’d ever be that MASSIVE AND RIPPED if he just GAVE UP?! Please man. Don’t be thick.

Here’s another example:

 

 

This oke is so massive he can just go around putting his hand on blonde belter’s boobs ALL THE TIME and they don’t even mind, in fact, they ENJOY IT because they know he could uppercut their HEADS OFF if they tried to stop him.

What a LEGEND! Any second her blonde belter friend’s going to arrive and you KNOW what’s going to happen then! Flippin’ AWESOME!

I think I’ve proved my point about step four, NEVER GIVING UP, but just to make sure, I’ll ask you one last question.

Do you think this man, this old man, could EVER! EVER! have gotten so MASSIVE AND RIPPED if he’d known when enough was enough?

 

 

STEP 5 TO KLAPPING GYM BOET!

The last and final step to klapping gym boet is the nutritional step, because unless you eat right and inject dangerous steroids daily, you’ll never get RIPPED CHARNA!

Eating right means eating PROTEIN ALL THE TIME, CONSTANTLY, WITHOUT EVEN STOPPING, because this way you’ll show your body that NO! You don’t need any flippin’ fat! You don’t need to store any nutrition, you’re shoving it in your face CONSTANTLY!

Injecting dangerous steroids daily means experiencing violent mood swings, possibly because of the steroids and also possibly because your cheloger is ONLY ONE INCH LONG!

But seriously boet! Come off it man! Who needs a normal-sized cheloger when you’ve got two blonde belters, one on each arm ready to BANG YOU BECAUSE YOU’RE SO MASSIVE AND RIPPED!?

Fuck man! Are you stupid?

Now go out there and KLAP SOME GYM BOET!

FLIPPIN’ SCHWEET!

-ST