I’ve been away a long time, probably the longest since I started this site nearly five years ago. I disappeared without explanation, turned to smoke and left the empty shell of my site floating out there in the ether.
Work was partly to blame – the load got so intense that some nights I just burned on through to the next day, eyes like sandpaper, heart hammering, stuck in a perpetual coffee-comedown nightmare.
There was stress. Enough that I lost 6kgs. Mistakes were made. Sleep deprivation fools you into thinking you’re on top of things when in actual fact, you’re continually overlooking the obvious.
When I eventually did go down, I’d drop like a stone into dreamless sleep, moaning from the relief of finally being able to switch my mind off for a bit. Sleep deprivation feels like a desert, the oppressive heat of binge-working boils your brain in its own juices, causing synapses to misfire and explode.
I drank so much coffee I swear it was coming out of my pores.
I stopped training. During work hours I did nothing but work. In 5 weeks I don’t think I watched one Youtube video. I have no idea what’s going on on the internet, no idea what awesome content is being created and shared, hardly any idea of what’s even been going on in the world.
And then there’s J-Rab and The Cub, who have seen the very worst of it. Daddy stumbling around the flat, gone. Physically there, but mentally just gone, gone, gone.
It’s been rough, but I think I’m finally starting to see the light. I’m going to try and get this sight back up and running, but I’m not making any promises because besides the work stuff, I’m facing some tough times personally and there is every indication that they are going to get tougher.
That’s another reason why I haven’t been writing, I don’t known how. There’s a lot I feel the need to write about, things in my life that have overtaken everything, but how do you do that? How do you just put all that personal stuff out there?
And if you don’t go that route, what’s the alternative? Pretend that everything is fine? Post funny videos and other inane shit when the people you care about and love deeply are suffering?
I don’t know. Life is fucked up.
There have been some amazing sunsets recently, over the last month or so. Every time we see one, J-Rab says it’s because this time of year, as autumn moves into winter, is the season of sunsets.
But to me, it feels a lot longer than a season, it feels like this whole year has been a procession of sunsets, each more heart-breaking than the last.
They say you grow through adversity and I believe it. I look in the mirror and where I used to see a boyfriend, a son, a brother, an uncle I now see a fiancé, a father. There’s a weight that wasn’t there before, the features look set, the eyes resolute.
I will get through this, we all will, and when we get to the other side we’ll be battle-worn but our scars will heal in time and we’ll be stronger.
The only way out is through.
The only way out is through.
-ST
