Them's Fightin' Words

International experts at the Stuttgart-based University Of Extremely Irritating Things (UEIT) have published a report recently to find out who the most irritating pop star is and, as predicted by every rational human on the planet, Willow Smith came out tops.

“We didn’t think it would ever be possible for an artist to be more irritating than Rebecca Black,” said Hein Schwarsvenberg, head of research at UEIT, “but data we’ve collected over the past few months would suggest otherwise.”

According to the UEIT report, 11 year old Willow Smith has not only topped Rebecca’s status as ‘most irritating pop star alive’, but is currently in the running for the top spot as ‘most irritating person in human history’”.

“Extensive tests were conducted on random groups of volunteers who were exposed to Willow Smith’s music at extremely high volume on repeat, and after one day all 356 780 test subjects had bashed their heads repeatedly against the walls of the laboratory so hard that only seven of them are still alive,” says Schwarsvenberg.

Willow Smith, who instantly rocketed to fame simply by being born, started her illustrious career in irritating people in June 2010 when she released her first single “I Whip My Hair”.

Shortly after the single’s release, reports started emerging of people driving their cars off cliffs, gauging their eyes out and throwing themselves off buildings after having the song stuck in their heads for so long, they simply lost their minds.

“With Rebecca it was never this bad,” says Schwarsvenberg, “we all knew she didn’t have the money to ever pull off a career in music that would survive outside of the internet. It was all a cute joke really and fairly tame in comparison to what Willow Smith has unleashed on the world.”

Smith’s current single, “Fireball”, which deals with themes of partying, being a spoilt little brat, partying, being amazing and more partying has a chorous line so irritating that medical professionals the world over are endorsing suicide as the only known cure for getting the line “Imma fireball of the party, Imma, Imma, Imma fireball of the party” out of patient’s heads.

“It’s a drastic call, we know,” said Charles Grant, MD of the medical profession, “but besides the fact that it’s the only known cure for getting that line out of your head, who’d honestly want to live in a world where atrocities like these are not only allowed to go unpunished, but are endorsed by commercial radio and TV stations simply because Smith’s parents are loaded.”

With Willow Smith’s album being released in April of this year, we can only hope and pray that the predicted Mayan Apocalypse happens in time to save us from the extensive mind-raping the album is likely to produce.

God help us.

God help us all.

-ST