Hi boys and girls, how the hell are ya’ll doing? Hell’s teeth it’s been a long-ass time since I last posted and over the course of my self-imposed hiatus, my life has changed in every conceivable way.
As you all probably know from the last post, I am a dad. My Cub was born happy and healthy, is feeding well, sleeping well and doing everything a newborn should and I can’t tell you how great that feels.
HOWEVER, I now feel this added pressure to post something life-changingly epic on the site, a post that wrenches the heartstrings and leaves you with this “Phwoar! Holy shit, life is AWESOME!†kinda feeling.
So before expectations get completely out of control, lemme just say that this isn’t that post. This is just a post to say “Hiya! Wattup bitches!†and to tell you that things in Tigerland have never been better.
That other post where I try to communicate what the last week has been like and how incredible it feels to stare into your daughter’s fathomless blue eyes for the first time is on it’s way, don’t you worry.
But part of the reason I haven’t posted is because I wanted the very next thing I write to be that post and that’s just not gonna happen. That one’s going to need some time which I don’t have at the moment so in the meantime, here are a few things I’ve learned over the past week:
Other people’s babies are boring as hell, but your own is the most fascinating thing you’ve ever seen
This is the craziest thing. Until a week ago I thought that babies were pretty damn boring until they get to about 2 years old and start having rad nonsense conversations with you.
Then you have your own and spend hours at a time just watching her sleep. No shit. She’s hardly doing anything besides breathing and making the occasional funny sound / face in her sleep and I’m fucking riveted!
Babies are best burped in 4/4 time
True story. It also helps to make the first pat slightly harder than the other three so that you loosen the wind with three pats and then let ‘er rip with the last one.
I’ve also experimented with different beats from popular songs and found the beat from Blur’s “Song 2†to be pretty effective as well. Just stay away from any Slipknot, it won’t end well…
Baby shit doesn’t gross you out. In fact, in the beginning, it makes you happy
I never thought anyone’s shit would ever make me happy. There is nothing happy about shit – it smells awful and should be neatly and discreetly disposed of, never to be seen again.
BUT, when your baby shits you are genuinely happy because it means that everything is happening as it should. Sure, it smells a little rank and I’m pretty sure given time it will stop making me happy, but for the time being, the fact that my Cub’s digestive system is doing everything it should is a great sense of relief.
Boobs
Holy mother of God, The Boobs. I’m a sceptical mofo – I hardly ever take anything people say at face value because what I quickly learned in life is that people LOVE exaggerating.
So whenever someone tells me how fucking insane something was, I dial it down a couple of notches mentally to get a closer approximation of what it was actually like.
So when people said, “J-Rab’s boobs are going to get MASSIVE when her milk comes in†I thought sure, they’ll probably get 5% bigger, max.
My God was I wrong. 5%? Try 35%! They looked and felt like flippin spanspek! I couldn’t decide if I was turned on or mortally terrified.
It calms down again after a day or two but when the milk first comes in, stand the hell back.
I’ll post more observations as they come to me, but in the meantime, I think it’s high time we returned to my usual posts of biting sarcasm, general internet weirdness and good times.
The deep stuff is coming though, give it a week tops 
-ST
