Posts Tagged ‘mordor

28
Jan
13

SlickTiger Klaps The Most Seffrican Flight, Has The Jol Of His LIFE!

By SlickTiger 2 Comments
Categories: Being Slick, Killer Posts, Klapping It and Sponsored Posts
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Lead imageJus-LAAIK have I just flied back form the flippin’ BUFFEST event IN THE LAND or what! How buff am I talking about here?

Boedie, I’m talking about going up to the city of ous who INVENTED klapping gym, I’m talking about staying in a flippin SIX-STAR hotel, klapping flippin buff-it PRAWNS for supper, flippin GAMBLING with a other ou’s money, getting showferred to Lanzeria airport and meeting my pel Jacque Perrow!

THEN I’m talking about KLAPPING the most Seffrican flight to ever be flied, having a lag at Kurt Schoonrad and getting lekker emotional when secret KWAAIER OUS start singing the Seffrican national song 10,000,0000km above land.

This was another level of brand event, a level where you feel flippin SWAK when it’s all over but you carry the memories inside your flippin BRAIN for all of time.

kulula were of course the BUFF OUS who made all the flippin magic happen. Jus those charnas can make a ou lag! I mean HELL, from the time I arrived at the Cape Town airport and met my first charna of the trip, Murray Turner, until the time when I arrive back in Cape Town the day later now with FIVE new pels, I was lagging for THE ENTIRE TIME!

 

 

kulula also know a BELTER from a GROT OTTER, I can tell you that much and they ONLY invited BELTERS on this trip. After I met Murray at the airport I got on the plain to the land of the GYM KLAPPERS and sitting right next to me was BELTER NO.1 of the trip, let’s just call her “The Aeroplain Shouter”.

This chick was on ANOTHER FLIPPIN LEVEL! I was like, “Jus-laaik is this real or have I died and gone to a DREAM!”

Of course, she had nothing on my klap gym BELTER girlfriend J-Rab, you can see lekker pics of her here.

But ja… as per her name, The Aeroplane Shouter’s a bit loud on plains hey? When we took off from Cape Town, the Aeroplane Shouter was having a lekker chat with me and then the aerohostess was like “Hey! You! Flippin shuppud man, I’m trying to read out the safety instructions in case of sudden LOSS OF CABIN PRESSURE, ok?”

 

 

The adventure wasn’t over their! In The Land Of Okes Who Invented Klapping It we arrived and it was all dark and stuff already and rainy and hot and their was crazy traffic and charnas trying to crash into us and ous were like “Is this flippin MORDOR or what?!”

On the bus to Monty Casino Hotal where we stayed is where I met my second charna of the trip, Mr Cape Town who can only make a ou lag hey? Jus-LAAIK, with him and ol’ Slicky-T on the trip we had the belters and other ous flippin KAKKING THEY’RE PANT with laughter the WHOLE TIME.

Schweet thing about this Mr Cape Town ou is he’s like a flippin walking CAR BAR! We land on the other side and the ou’s like “Ive got warm Scottish beer in my bag!” and I’m like “Oke! Marry me!”

 

 

So the next thing I know we’re at the flippin larniest hotal in the land, Monty Casino, klapping BUFF-IT PRAWNS for supper and drinking Scottish beer what tastes like this fruit punch I made one time for a party but had to hide in my cupboard cause ous were drinking it on roids and klapping ous IN THE FACE and smashing they’re teeth in with chairs and kak and then I found it like a year later and was like, flip what’s that smell and so I drunk it and the next thing I remember I was naked in the street flippin RUGBY TACKLING CARS!

At that time, klapping the prawn buff-it was when I met the last two members of TEAM SLICKY-T, THE TEQUILA MONSTER and my charna Kuil from Jus’ Kickin’ It.

THE TEQUILA MONSTER was another one of the BELTERS kulula invited and FLIPPIN’ HELL! This belter from the minute she arrived until when we all were back was just like “WHO WANTS TEQUILA? LETS HAVE TEQUILA! COME HERE, DRINK THIS TEQUILA, DON’T BE A FLIPPIN MOF!”

 

 

So ja, we were the best of pels even though she made me feel like a ou had PUNCHED me in the liver the next day.

Kuil was a bit of a doos in the beginning, but then he gave us all his money to gamble with and we lost it and he was like “whatever, schweet” and I was like, “what a flippin legend!”

 

 

Also, when he rehalized I was THE SlickTiger what writed “Klapping Gym” he gave me this lekker long hug and I was like “Flip Kuil is that a banana in your pocket boet? I’m lekker hungry ou, do you mind if I have it?”

And he was like, “NO! I’m, um. Saving it for later…” Which is fine. A ou’s banana is his banana. NEVER eat that ous banana if he’s saving it for later. Unless, you know, you’ve had a bit of brannewyn en coke and ‘”Careless Whisper” is playing and the ou is passed out on the couch and stuff…

 

 

But ja. Anyway.

The next day we started early and went to Lanzeria airport where their was gumboot dancers, ous flippin JUGGLING soccer balls, photo booths and the best of all, my good buddy JACQUE PERROW rapping his songs before we all got on the most Seffrican flight.

 

 

Only the MOST Seffrican ous could go on this flight and what a collection of Seffrican ous did we see! One-legged bee-keepers from Bloemfontein, nervous Indian okes in circus clothes, the WORKS BOET!

I sat next to this lekker ou of the name of DANIEL who was all quiet in the beginning of the trip while I was klapping my padkos and schmaaking all the flippin SPACE I had around me for my PECS, BICEPS, TRICEPS, LATS, TRAPS and DELTS on kulula’s new planes which are obviously built for ous who like to KLAP IT.

Then the most hectic stuffs happened when we were reached 10,000,0000km above the land. Charnas were like, “Ok ous, let’s sing our national song” and I was like “Flip man, I can’t sing for kak, how embarassing are this going to be?” when my charna Daniel next to me suddenly stood up and started singing the national song in the voice of a angle!

 

 

There were secret flippin CHOIR NINJAS on the plane! About 10 of the ous what sang with lank EMOTION and made ous cry they felt so proud to be Seffrican and stuff.

Not me though. Everyone knows COWBOYS DON’T CRY BOET. My eyes were just watering because of the sour worms oke, jus-LAAIK…

 

 

After that I had a lekker jol with my old pel Jacque Perrow and this pic got taken of us too buff ous looking flippin TUFF!

 

 

The plain took us in a lekker big circle over some of The Land Of Okes Who Invented Klapping It’s most beautiful attractions like Haartebeespoort Dam, Sun City and the Mine Dumps.

This was a flight like no other. Ous were all talking to the other ous, finding out more about each other, sharing there stories and having a lag. It were the only time I can remember charnas being treated like kings and queens of the land just because we were all Seffrican.

kulula are flippin LEGENDS for reminding us that no matter all the bad stuff, we can still laugh, we can still be proud that we come from this land because their is no one else in all the world like us and their never will be.

After we landed, me and my new blogger buddy charnas klapped a beer together at the Lanzeria airport bar and agreed that it had been a amazing 24 hours of SHOUTING ON AEROPLANES, DRINKING SCOTTISH BEER, SMASHING TEQUILA, GAMBLING WITH KUIL’S MONEY, CHILLING WITH JACQUE PERROW, BEING PROUDLY SEFFRICAN ON A FLIPPIN PLAIN, LAGGING UNTIL OUR ABS WERE LEKKER STIFF and BEING TREATED LIKE FLIPPIN KINGS AND QUEENS OF THE LAND!

 

 

To all the kulula ous who made the trip possible, thank you for inviting us to be a part of the most Seffrican flight ever, it was a MASSIVE JOL from start to finish.

To the members of Team Slicky-T, The Aeroplane Shouter, The Tequila Monster, Kuil, Mr Cape Town and Murray thanks for putting up with all my kak for a full 24 hours, you ous deserve a prize or something.

Until next time buff ous and serious belters, keep KLAPPING IT!

-ST

08
Jan
10

The Body Corporate Where I Live Are A Bunch Of Fascist Pigs

By SlickTiger 10 Comments
Categories: Killer Posts
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Fascism, my friends, did not come to an end with the defeat of the Axis Powers at the end of World War II, no. Like a cockroach after nuclear Armageddon, it has come crawling out of the gutters of history and  is alive and well and fucking thriving in the complex where I live.

I don’t remember when it all started because there’s a better than average chance that I was drunk at the time, but not long after moving into our complex in Craighall Park, we became aware of a menacing presence residing in the flat behind us in the form of the Chairlady of our Body Corporate, whose name shall remain anonymous (because fuck man, she scares me).

We’ll just call her Beelzebub, that means Satan.

 

 

In the two and a half years we’ve lived in our flat we’ve had various altercations with Beelzebub because like many people aged between 20 and 30, we like to party. We like to have friends over, we like listening to music, we like the occasional drinky-poo, is that a crime?

Apparently yes.

The best way I can explain everything that’s happened over the last two years in our flat would be by copy/pasting, this awesome summary of offences that Beelzebub sent our landlords near the end of last year:

 

Hi (name withheld),

I’m writing to you to request that you address the issue of noise disturbances with your current tenants.       I can’t recall exactly when you moved away from Braemore but at that time you let your unit to three, young men.      Shortly after they took occupation, I called on them & provided them with Braemore’s Conduct Rules which they acknowledged by signing my copy & I left another copy with them.      For the first few months, they were well behaved & didn’t create any disturbances.     However, their behaviour soon changed.    You will recall that I spoke to you about 18 months ago to complain about a party that they held in the flat, which was accompanied by music played at full volume & which continued throughout the night & into the early morning.    On that occasion, I went to unit 32 at around 4.30 in the morning to speak to the occupants about the noise disturbance.       The crowd in the flat were inebriated & I raised my complaint with two of your tenants, whom I recognised from when I delivered the Conduct Rules to them.    Unfortunately, and possibly due to their state of inebriation, they were argumentative & unapologetic.   One of them (The Glaze!) almost shoved his finger in my face.     They continued to disturb the peace on numerous occasions thereafter with noisy parties & often there would be upwards of 20 people in the unit.    Unfortunately, I didn’t keep a record of the dates & times but going, forward, I intend to keep a record of every incident.

Two of your three tenants have vacated unit 32 in this year, one of them is (The Glaze!).       Again, I haven’t kept a record of when they moved out, but we’ve had relative peace & quiet for the last few months, until this week on Wednesday & again last evening.  

 
Wednesday, 14 October

At around 10.30pm I went to speak to your tenants about a noise disturbance.   The front & kitchen doors were wide open & the sounds of their yelling & music could be heard from my flat, which is in the block behind them.  I was not confrontational at all, I simply asked them to keep the noise levels down & suggested that they close their kitchen door, which they did.   I mentioned to them that it was a week night & some of the residents have to get up early in the morning to get their places of business & it’s not acceptable that they should have their sleep disturbed by the inconsiderate behaviour of other occupants.

Friday, 16 October

Just before 11pm last evening, I was again forced to go & speak to your tenants about a noise disturbance.    There were three guys in the lounge & one of them was playing the guitar & singing (shouting?) at the top of his voice (Guitar Jon!).     I think what fuels these noise disturbances, is their intake of alcohol – from the perspective of my personal observation, it seemed that they weren’t exactly sober.    To their credit, I must say that they apologised & were quiet after that.

I’m attaching another copy of the Braemore Conduct Rules & specifically draw your attention to Conduct Rules 17 and 18.      Each one of your current tenants must sign the Conduct Rules, acknowledging that they understand the rules & are prepared to abide by them.     I must also point out that the other occupants in that block – from units 31 to 36, all fall into the age group 20 to 30 & none of them cause disturbances.    Therefore, if your tenants raise their youth in defence of their behaviour (as I suspect they will), you may just point this out to them.     If your tenants are unwilling to abide by the Conduct Rules, which are in place to ensure that the rights of other occupants are observed & respected, then perhaps they should consider living somewhere else.      

Kind regards,

BEELZEBUB (HAIL SATAN!)

What a load!

I know people that are a million times worse tenants than we are. I knew these guys back at varsity that lived in a digs aptly named ‘Mordor’, who threw a ‘bring something to burn’ house party at the end of our third year there and ho-lee fuckballs, you should have seen the resulting chaos.

 

 

Because a lot of the kids I was at varsity with had more money than they knew what to do with and were too lazy to sell their furniture at the end of the year, I watched in total disbelief as the following items were tossed into the bonfire they started on their lawn:

2 x wooden bedframes
1 x old queen sized mattress
2 x TVs
1 x CRT computer monitor
2 x vacuum cleaners
2 x single couches
1 x double couch
1 x wooden door (ripped off the hinges from a bedroom inside Mordor)
And my personal favourite:
1 x 2-man fibreglass canoe

The resulting ‘fire’ if it can be called that, was so unbelievably MASSIVE that it actually felt like a small sun had come blazing through the cosmos and crashed in the back lawn of Mordor. You could tell who was at the party the next day because their eyebrows and lashes were singed from the heat, I shit you not.

 

 

The fire melted the gutters off the roof, cracked every window down the one side of the house, and burst the piping coming out of the geyser.

Now THAT’S what I call disturbing the peace.

So anyway, I come home from work yesterday, and there’s a letter from the Body Corporate under our door expressing intense dismay because of the fact that some jerkwad keeps taking the creepy out the pool and leaving it disconnected in the sun.

Granted, that’s a pretty dumbass thing to do, but Beelzebub and her committee’s reaction is nothing short of completely retarded.

Did they send a letter to everyone asking them not to take the creepy out of the pool or further action will be taken? No, they didn’t do that. Instead they are now permanently locking the gate to the pool area and making everyone sign a register with the security guard at the front gate every time they want to take a dip in the pool.

Added to that, if you are caught tampering with the creepy in any way, they reserve the right to slap a R500 fine on your ass right there and then, no questions asked.

 

 

Those fascist fucks! THEM’S fightin’ words!

I can’t tell you how tempted I am to take drastic action in the face of this abhorrent abuse of our basic human rights to enjoy a dip in the pool on a hot summer’s day. What the fuck?! People have fought and died for the ideals of democracy and freedom, which are founded on the basic premise that we should have have some kind of influence, no matter how big or small, over the decisions that are made by the leaders of our country, our province and our body corporate.

So I need your help. Here is a list of all the actions I’ve thought of taking in the face of this blatant fascism, which one(s) should I do?

1. Fill the pool with cement. That’ll show those fuckers. I’ll sneak in at 3am with 10 bags of PPC and get pourin’, then NOBODY will EVER fuck with the creepy because well, they’ll need a jackhammer to get at it.

2. Kidnap the creepy and hold it for ransom. Another stroke of ironic genius. Also, I’ve always thought it would be rad to make one of those ransom notes out of cut out magazine letters whilst wearing rubber gloves in a dimly lit room. We’ll send the ransom note with a list of our demands and pics of the creepy lying naked and exposed in the midday sun. Evil, yes. Effective, you bet your ass.

3. Write a letter, copy it 40 times and slip under everyone’s door (except Beelzebub’s) giving detailed instructions, with illustrations, explaining how to safely climb OVER the 3ft gate that they’re planning on locking. To add insult to injury, the letter will also encourage everyone to swim naked. Let’s see them try and kick our asses out THEN.

4. Throw another party. You’re all invited.

The gauntlet has been thrown down people. I didn’t start this, THEY did, and unfortunately, they fucked with THE WRONG MEXICAN.

 

 

Hasta la victoria siempre!

-ST