It’s time.
People on the streets are dying. Mothers. Killing their children. Children. Murdering on another on the steps of churches. Human / elephant pornography. Justin Bieber.
The world has indeed fallen apart, the very fabric of society has come undone and no. It’s not because of wide-spread government corruption. It’s not because of poor school systems or the mass media rotting the minds of our youth.
It’s because everyone’s emails that they’ve been sending in the thousands to tellthetiger@gmail.com have gone unanswered for far too long.
So long in fact that people have clean forgotten that this amazing service to mankind even exists anymore and for that all I can say is I fucked up guys. And I’m sorry.
But starting today, I want you all to know that Tell The Tiger is back up and running so please, please, don’t suffer in silence. Send all your embarrassing secrets and sexual failings in life to your buddy ol’ pal SlickTiger and I’ll sort that shit out.
I’ll help you. Because making people’s lives better is what Tigers do best. And mauling. Making people’s live better and / or mauling their faces off.
So here is this week’s lucky recipient of my Tiger love and wisdom.
Let the healing begin.
Nice To Meet You,
My name is Miss Monica guei, As I whisper my prayer tonight and went into search for a nice friend and I came across your contact,at(prashish.wordpress.com) My mind and my heart told me to contact you for friendship, A friend who truly understand his or her friend and share their feelings together. please kindly accept my request, I believe that distance or age can never be a barrier but let’s love connect us because love is a bridge that connected far distance to be close to each other, I will send my pictures to you immediately i receive your reply at my email address
yours In Love,
Huh. Not really the kind of Tell The Tiger mail I’m used to, but yeah. We can work with this…
First off Miss Monica, let me just say that judging from your email you clearly have a number of severe mental issues that I think you need to sort out as soon as possible or you’ll probably end up married to an alcoholic douchebag who abuses you physically and emotionally because, well, you are retarded.
Where did you get my email address from? What the fuck is prashish.wordpress.com? And what kind of surname is ‘guei’? What were your forefathers thinking?! Let’s line up every vowel in the alphabet and turn it into a surname?
Also, what in God’s name did the English language ever do to you to make you want to butcher the living shit out of it so badly? “Went into search� “A friend who truly understand his or her friend� “Let’s love connect us because love is a bridge that connected far distance to be close to each other� What the fuck does that even mean?!
I’m not sure you understand the dynamics of Tell The Tiger at all, but it’s very simple – you write in with an embarrassing problem under a cleverly thought out pseudonym and I give you the worst possible advice on how to conquer said problem so that me and my internet buddies can have a good laugh at your expense and high-five each other later in the bar because your life is shittier than ours.
Come back when you have something juicy to share, like how your boyfriend thinks it would be fun to try anal fisting but you’re not keen on wearing a butt-plug for the rest of your life or how you’re in love with your step sister or how you fantasise about lathering your entire body in marmalade and having a threesome with a priest and the TV repair guy.
And with those wise words, I leave you in the capable hands of my panel of expert Tell The Tigerers. That is, if they still even exist…
Later masturbators.
-ST
