Posts Tagged ‘ky jelly

24
May
12

3 MORE Tips To Make Your Life Too Awesome To Handle

By SlickTiger 1 Comment
Categories: Killer Posts and Satire, Irony And Vitriol
Tags: , , , , ,

cheesy-smileGreat news guys! I’ve gotten my hands on some more life-changing tips to make your life too awesome to handle!

So grab a pen from the handy craft caddy I showed you how to make the last time I made your life too awesome to handle and let’s take the awesomeness of your life to a whole other level!

And no, I don’t HAVE to end every sentence in this post with an exclamation mark, but enthusiasm is contagious and nothing says “I’m enthusiastic” better than CAPITAL LETTERS, EXCESSIVE PUNCTUATION AND ANTI-DEPRESSANTS WASHED DOWN WITH AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF RED WINE!!!!!

Tip #1:

Use a simple household comb to prove to your friends once and for all that you are homosexual

 

 

We’ve all been in this situation. You buy an alluring salmon-coloured, alpaca sweater, you put it on for the first time before heading to a mate’s place to watch the big game and the minute you walk through the door your buddy’s like, “What the fuck dude? Is there something you wanna tell me?”

Well, thanks to this handy tip, you’ll never have to hear that question again! The next time your buddy wants a hand with some home DIY, take a comb along to hold the nails in place while you hammer them at impossibly skew angles into any surface!

Just make sure you practise this one at home first. I’ve already shattered 17 combs getting it right, but trust me, it’s totally worth it when you see the look of realisation on your friend’s faces after you show them this handy tip.

Tip #2:

Roll your cables up in tubes and carry them wherever you go

 

 

We’ve all been in that life-threatening situation where an electronic device such as your cell phone or laptop is about to die but you left the cable at home!

Well, if you combine the tip above with a condom and a tube of KY Jelly, you’ll never be without cables ever again!

Just carefully roll up the cables you need, put them in an empty toilet roll as shown, stretch a condom over the toilet roll, smear it with the KY Jelly and gently insert it into the handy storage compartment located beneath your nether regions.

Just be sure to rinse the cables off before you use them. Failing that, if someone asks what that smell is, I usually just blame it on a “rat that’s died under the floorboards”.

Tip #3:

Reuse things like a homeless person

 

 

Who knew that a simple Pringles container is the prefect size to store spaghetti in?!

Certainly not the guests that I had around for a party the other night, one of whom opened the container, tipped it upside down thinking chips would come out and poured my spaghetti all over the floor!

“What the fuck bro?!” he chirped, cheekily, “who the fuck keeps pasta in a fucking Pringles tin?!”

“I know right!” I replied. “Genius, isn’t it?”

“Sure is!” he replied staring at the pasta which was now stored not-so-conveniently all over my kitchen floor.

“Don’t worry about picking it up, I know a great trick with a vacuum cleaner and some pantyhose that I can use, I just need to get the cable out,” I said, unbuttoning my jeans.

“I’m fucking leaving,” he said, “you are a sick, sick man.”

And he was right. I am sick. Sick to the power of rad because thanks to my work colleagues relentlessly sending me these handy tips over email, my life (much like my ruptured colon) is too awesome to handle!

-ST

18
May
10

The SlickTiger Guide To Klapping Gym Boet Part 2: Know Your Blonde Belter

By SlickTiger 34 Comments
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Hazit ma boychies!

Flip okes, but the response to my last piece about KLAPPING GYM BOET was off the flippin’ chain! I’m seriously CHUFFED that so many charnas out there care so much about getting TANNED, MASSIVE and RIPPED, WEARING TIGHT VESTS and LOOKING TIT (thanks Gary)!

The next question charnas seems to be asking now is how do you know a chick and her mate are BELTERS? What if you think a chick’s a BELTER and you BANG her and her friend only to wake up the next day once the roids have worn off to find you banged a couple of GROT OTTERS by mistake?

Another charna who is MASSIVE and RIPPED sent in this pic, asking, ‘Haai Slick! I banged this chick and her friend from the gym after getting MASSIVE and RIPPED, are they belters or what charna!’

 

 

All I can say to a question like that is flip oke, ARE YOU STUPID? What the hell were you THINKING?!

These are the unhealthiest chicks I have EVER SEEN! Did they die from malnutritionment after you were finished BANGING them? They’re WASTING AWAY oke! The one’s not even blonde enough and needs to PULL UP HER FLIPPIN PANTS and KLAP SOME GYM BOET!

When I said blonde belters, I meant BLONDE BELTERS charna! Now if you’d banged THESE two chicks, THEN I’d be IMPRESSED ma boych!

 

 

Of course now a lot of you will look at these BELTERS and notice that ja, something’s not quite right with the chick on the right. OF COURSE SOMETHING’S NOT QUITE RIGHT WITH THAT CHICK! SHE HAS NO TAN!

HERE’S a much better example of how a healthy tan can turn an ordinary chick into a BELTER:

 

 

And so, here are a few tips for all the MASSIVE and RIPPED charnas out there about the right kind of things to look for in a BELTER.

 

THING NO. 1 TO LOOK FOR IN A BELTER: LADYLIKE

I can tell you right now that being a oke who is MASSIVE and RIPPED myself, I often hang around with chicks that yes, are BELTERS, BUT just don’t know how to act like ladies instead of GORILLAS.

These GROT OTTERS think it’s lekker to do things like SMOKE, SWEAR, EAT CARBS or only do gym six times a week. They also think it’s kief to just say whatever the hell THEY WANT without first asking a man’s PERMISSION – NOT ACCEPTABLE!

OKES, this is not LADYLIKE BEHAVIOUR. If a blonde chick or her blonde chick friend try any of this, choon them straight, ‘Hey GROT OTTER! Stop acting like a flippin’ TRAILER PARK TRASH! You aren’t BRITTANY SPIERS!’

A chick must be ladylike at all times or THAT’S IT! Tell her to HIT THE ROAD CHICK. Here’s a ladylike chick to show you what I mean:

 

 

THING NO. 2 TO LOOK FOR IN A BELTER: NAUGHTY

Okes, please don’t think that just because a chick is LADYLIKE in public, she can’t have a bit of a naughty or fun side as well behind a closed doors. No charna wants a chick and her blonde belter friend in the bedroom who aren’t a bit wild or don’t know their way around a tube of KY Jelly, a traffic cone and a car battery with lekker nipple-clamps.

Check this chick out. She was an ex of mine. Jealous yet? Ja, EXACTLY!

 

 

There is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with a chick like that okes, NOTHING. So why did we break up? Ja, it’s a bit of a sensitive topic hey… I dunno… life just took us in separate directions. I mean, I’m not saying that I caught her KLAPPING GYM behind my back or using my credit card to have KAKLOADS OF EXPENSIVE SURGERY or anything, so ja…

BUT, THE NEXT DAY I found pictures on the interweb of an even NAUGHTIER BELTER, Chrissie, and let’s just say that she had the pleasure of some SlickTiger boerrie with cheese sauce THAT night 😉

 

 

THING NO 3. TO LOOK FOR IN A BELTER: OUTDOORS TYPE

A BELTER must also like the outdoors life of tanning for 7 hours straight, jetskis, H2O parties, doof doof music and klapping gym IN THE GARDEN.

Don’t believe me that such amazing BELTERS exist? Boet, open your EYES charna! They’re ALL OVER the interweb!

 

 

 

What’s also nice is when they do outdoor activities like WASH MY CAR. Here’s another ex-cherry of mine, in a lekker bikini doing a practise run of WASHING MY CAR. Always make them PRACTISE FIRST or they’ll probably BREAK the car.

 

 

THING NO. 4 TO LOOK FOR IN A BELTER: A WINNING ATTITUDE

Now okes, this is an important one so don’t stuff this one up. Too many of my charnas get with girls who NEVER STOP COMPLAINING when us gym boychies leave self-tan on the couch, make huge PROTEIN BAFFS, or shoot so many steroids our chelogers go INSIDE US.

To all those okes stuck in kak relationships like that out there, I have only one thing to say: DUMP THOSE LOSER GROT OTTERS AND FIND A CHICK WITH THE RIGHT ATTITUDE!

THIS chick, for example, you can tell has a GREAT attitude.

 

 

So charnas, stop settling for second-rate chicks, you’re MASSIVE and RIPPED now! You look TIT oke! Flippin’ go in for the big time and bang two flippin HOT blonde belters now that you know what to look for!

Also, if you’d like to send pictures or videos as proof that’s also fine. I’ve still got plenty of pink heart stickers left, so DON’T BE SHY, send me some lekker pics and always remember: KLAP IT BOET!

Until next time ma boychies!

-ST