In a world where superheroes dominate the mass media, it was just a matter of time before ordinary citizens started wearing geeky costumes and walking the streets “fighting crimeâ€.
Actually wait, lemme rephrase that. In America, it was just a matter of time before ordinary citizens started wearing dorky costumer and walking the streets fighting crime.
If you tried that here in South Africa, the bad guys would kill you three times over for that shit. Once for interfering, twice for dressing up like a wanker and the third time because they’d be laughing so hard the first two times, they’d need a third try to get it right.
But in America, according to an article I read on www.reallifesuperheroes.org, there are roughly 200 real-life superheroes patrolling America’s streets, looking like tools and seemingly doing very little except indulging their geeky fantasies, picking up trash and handing out sandwiches to the homeless.
And then there are the Rain City Superheroes, who’ve been getting considerable media attention since their leader, a caped crusader (seriously, I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried) called Phoenix Jones made headlines in January this year when he was trying to break up a fight and got kicked in the face while a guy held a gun to his head.
Here’s the news report that did the rounds earlier this year:
After watching that report when it broke I had a quiet chuckle to myself and carried on with my life, convinced that they next report I’d pick up would either be “Phoenix Jones calls it quits after getting his ass handed to him… again†or “Phoenix Jones stabbed to death by crackheads†and that would be that.
But no, this guy is still out there. Only now he’s landed in a spot of trouble after dousing four people outside a nightclub with pepper spray because he thought they were trying to rough each other up.
According to the police report however, the partygoers were just walking to their car “dancing and having a good timeâ€, as you do. I mean Christ, if I got maced every time I’d had one too many and was dancing around like a drunk asshole, I’d be blind as a mole and my sinuses would have been utterly destroyed by the time I was 19.
But wait, it gets better.
At his hearing, Phoenix Jones dramatically unmasked himself and revealed his true identity as a black dude with the most EPIC afro I’ve seen this side of the early 90s, check it out:
What a fucking clown. And if that isn’t enough to convince you of the fact that this guy might just be the biggest joke walking the streets of Seattle, you HAVE to read this account of a journalist who followed Phoenix Jones around for a couple of days recently.
It’s a seriously long article, but totally worth it just for the parts about what these “superheroes†actually do, which seems to be a whole lot of nothing.
Apparently this all started back in the 1980s with a guy who calls himself “Master Legend†and believes he has super healing, super speed, was born “wearing a purple veil†and has died three times. Oh, and he also drinks like a bergie, which basically explains everything.
Here’s a video of the guy I dug up for your viewing pleasure. What. A. Chop.
It’s like Kickass happening in real life, only you’d have to be delusional to think what these people are doing is going to end well.
In South Africa, where crime isn’t something that happens on the news every night, but rather something that happens to our friends, our close family and ourselves, the thought of getting dressed up in spandex and walking the streets, preventing “crime†by asking people nicely to do what you say or you’ll just stand there (seriously, that’s how Phoenix Jones and his crew stopped some dealers from selling on a street corner) is embarrassingly naive.
Sure, I’m all for being vigilant, reporting crime the second you see it and on the extremely rare occasion when the situation calls for it and you know what you’re doing, stepping in and preventing something bad from happening, but walking around dressed like these guys is like painting a gigantic target on your chest and playing “dodge the bullet†at a shooting range.
Mark my words, something very bad will happen to one of these retards sooner or later, but until then, here are some hilarious pictures of them to brighten up your Monday:
I’ve said it before, but I think it bears repeating: humankind has never, ever been this bored.
EVER.
-ST
