Them's Fightin' Words

Something you might not know about your Tiger pal is that there was a time when he had his sights set on becoming a journalist, no shit.

I even went through the motions of studying a degree in journalism and everything, but in the end the dark side won me over with promises of regular working hours and a much better salary and so I became a Sith Lord of spin instead.

So it was pretty hilarious when Nokia invited me in my capacity as a blogger to check out the new Nokia N8 at the Grand Daddy Hotel on Longstreet. I kinda felt obliged to go because the kind folks at Nokia’s PR company hooked me up with the badass X6 I’m currently rocking so fair’s fair right?

I wish you guys could have been there, it was so funny. I walk upstairs to Daddy Cool’s (15 minutes late for the demo, just like a REAL journalist) and everyone’s like “Hi SlickTiger! How are ya! Klap gym boet! Hahahaha!”

And I’m like “Hahahaha!”

And they’re like “Hahahaha!"

And I’m thinking, Is that buffet I smell…?

And they’re thinking, This douche better give us a good write up or that X6 is comin’ STRAIGHT back…

Then I meet the guy giving me the demo and he introduces himself but I’m not really paying attention because right behind him, I shit you not, is a FUCKING AMAZING BUFFET!

I’m talking wraps, mini wraps, kebabs, you name it! More delicious noms than you could shake a stick at, all laid out neatly on a table for me and me alone.

“Please, do help yourself,” Demo-man said, smiling.

Huh, these Nokia people are nice, I thought to myself, chomping through a steak wrap. Being a journalist is sick!

“So,” Demo-man says, “tell us about the people who read your site.”

“Oh yeah, the people who read my site, well, um, they’re not your average consumer y’know?” I said in my important-sounding voice, “They’re better than that. They read my site because they don’t buy into the load of crap that other sites try sell them, they want to read something an actual human writes. They’re pretty cool that way, um…”

“And age wise?”

“Twenties, early thirties, around there.” I’d like to thank the Academy.

“Ok, and have you yourself had any experience using a Nokia phone?”

“Yes, he has the one we gave him, the X6,” the friendly lady who greeted me confirmed.

Uh oh, I thought. She’s subtly referencing the X6… quick! Say something that won’t make them take it away!

“Amazing phone!” I affirmed with gusto, “The touch-screen technology is just, amazing! Unfortunately I don’t have it on me at this exact moment I er, left it on the toilet at home this morning.”

“You know, studies show that a high percentage of people actually tweet and check emails on the toilet,” Friendly-lady said.

Great, I thought to myself, Now she thinks I’m one of those people. Siff.

“Anyway, if you’ll turn your attention to the screen in front of you we can begin the demo,” Demo-man said.

From there on in I made an earnest effort to take in and mentally record everything that Demo-man showed me. I then mentally archived this information, deleting some of the porn in my brain to make room, and cleverly filed it for later reference.

So, here’s what I got:

Luckily the good folks at Nokia gave us press packs on seriously slick memory sticks so that I can actually substantiate this otherwise meandering tale of utter crap with some solid facts about the N8, after which I’ll sum up neatly with another whisky and my overall impression of this phone.

Check, check, check it out yo:

• This phone has a 12 MEGAPIXEL CAMERA. That’s 12 motherbitches, as in after 11, before 13? Which means the pictures it takes are guaranteed to fuck your shit up the INSTANT you see them
• It also has an HDMI output which means you can plug the phone directly into your sweet 52-inch LCD TV just like Demo-guy did for me and pull up all your pics and movies and they look so amazingly crisp and clear you’ll probably pop wood instantly
• You get maps. Bam! No fucking around. Maps for 70 countries worldwide and it won’t cost you a goddamn cent
• You can download apps, not thousands and thousands like on an iPhone, but give it a year and I reckon there’ll be a decent selection. What’s cool about the N8 though is that if you buy apps, they get billed to your service provider and added to your monthly bill. No dicking around entering your credit card info for jerkwad pirates to steal on the interweb
• The music you buy on the phone through the Ovi store isn’t DRMed up the wazoo and can easily be stored and played however the hell you want, unlike the ‘Comes With Music’ music that sends a homing missile to your house the second you try give the music you’ve bought to your buddies
• Everything is flippin’ integrated with everything. Don’t grill me on the details here, but the phone’s built for ‘social media addicts’ so yeah. Think of it as a crack pipe for Twit-heads, Face-boobs and Blog-jammers
• It looks pretty slick. Take a gander:

Final verdict is I went to the demo to mooch some free food and came out actually impressed with what I saw so yeah, go out and buy everyone you know one of these, they’re gonna sell for R5 500, pre-orders start 27th September.

I’ll be getting one in early September to review so you can expect a follow up where I’ll give you guys the real low-down as to whether this is amazing as Demo-guy made it out to be.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I just have to go rinse the taste or corporate dick out of my mouth and we can resume broadcasting as usual 😉

-ST