Posts Tagged ‘handy tips

24
May
12

3 MORE Tips To Make Your Life Too Awesome To Handle

By SlickTiger 1 Comment
Categories: Killer Posts and Satire, Irony And Vitriol
Tags: , , , , ,

cheesy-smileGreat news guys! I’ve gotten my hands on some more life-changing tips to make your life too awesome to handle!

So grab a pen from the handy craft caddy I showed you how to make the last time I made your life too awesome to handle and let’s take the awesomeness of your life to a whole other level!

And no, I don’t HAVE to end every sentence in this post with an exclamation mark, but enthusiasm is contagious and nothing says “I’m enthusiastic” better than CAPITAL LETTERS, EXCESSIVE PUNCTUATION AND ANTI-DEPRESSANTS WASHED DOWN WITH AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF RED WINE!!!!!

Tip #1:

Use a simple household comb to prove to your friends once and for all that you are homosexual

 

 

We’ve all been in this situation. You buy an alluring salmon-coloured, alpaca sweater, you put it on for the first time before heading to a mate’s place to watch the big game and the minute you walk through the door your buddy’s like, “What the fuck dude? Is there something you wanna tell me?”

Well, thanks to this handy tip, you’ll never have to hear that question again! The next time your buddy wants a hand with some home DIY, take a comb along to hold the nails in place while you hammer them at impossibly skew angles into any surface!

Just make sure you practise this one at home first. I’ve already shattered 17 combs getting it right, but trust me, it’s totally worth it when you see the look of realisation on your friend’s faces after you show them this handy tip.

Tip #2:

Roll your cables up in tubes and carry them wherever you go

 

 

We’ve all been in that life-threatening situation where an electronic device such as your cell phone or laptop is about to die but you left the cable at home!

Well, if you combine the tip above with a condom and a tube of KY Jelly, you’ll never be without cables ever again!

Just carefully roll up the cables you need, put them in an empty toilet roll as shown, stretch a condom over the toilet roll, smear it with the KY Jelly and gently insert it into the handy storage compartment located beneath your nether regions.

Just be sure to rinse the cables off before you use them. Failing that, if someone asks what that smell is, I usually just blame it on a “rat that’s died under the floorboards”.

Tip #3:

Reuse things like a homeless person

 

 

Who knew that a simple Pringles container is the prefect size to store spaghetti in?!

Certainly not the guests that I had around for a party the other night, one of whom opened the container, tipped it upside down thinking chips would come out and poured my spaghetti all over the floor!

“What the fuck bro?!” he chirped, cheekily, “who the fuck keeps pasta in a fucking Pringles tin?!”

“I know right!” I replied. “Genius, isn’t it?”

“Sure is!” he replied staring at the pasta which was now stored not-so-conveniently all over my kitchen floor.

“Don’t worry about picking it up, I know a great trick with a vacuum cleaner and some pantyhose that I can use, I just need to get the cable out,” I said, unbuttoning my jeans.

“I’m fucking leaving,” he said, “you are a sick, sick man.”

And he was right. I am sick. Sick to the power of rad because thanks to my work colleagues relentlessly sending me these handy tips over email, my life (much like my ruptured colon) is too awesome to handle!

-ST

10
Jan
12

5 Tips To Make Your Life Too Awesome To Handle

By SlickTiger 2 Comments
Categories: Killer Posts and Satire, Irony And Vitriol
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

cubicleIt was only natural that after personal email accounts were invented, some genius would figure out a way to send an email, with the click of one button, to an address that goes to everyone in the office.

It’s a brilliant way to share innocuous jokes, engage in some inter-office banter or remind everyone that the office email address is NOT for sharing jokes or wasting everyone’s time with inter-office banter.

Thanks to all@xxx.xxx addresses at the various companies I’ve worked for, I’ve been sent countless emails about animals that need homes, been schooled time and time again about Jesus and been sent life-changing emails like this one.

This one’s called “Tips To Make Your Life Easier” and thanks to these tips, my life is now too awesome to handle.

 

Tip #1:

A tip for holiday packing. Store shoes inside shower caps to stop dirty soles rubbing on your clothes. And you can find them in just about every hotel!

 

 

Are you actually serious?! Best. Tip. Ever. Put your shoes in a shower cap and they somehow magically appear in “just about every hotel”!

The minute I read this I raced home and covered all my shoes in shower caps. I have yet to go to a hotel since doing this, but if the internet can be trusted, I’m pretty sure I’ll find all my shoes there.

 

Tip #2:

A muffin pan becomes a craft caddy. Magnets hold the plastic cups down to make them tip-resistant.

 

 

This is super-neat because up until now I’ve been using an old egg carton for my craft caddy and thus the cup size for my paintbrushes, scissors, crayons and fruit pastilles has been severely limited.

The only problem with this tip is that now that my baking tray is full of useful junk, it made tip #3 a little tricky…

 

Tip #3:

Turn your muffin pan upside down, bake cookie-dough over the top and voila – you have cookie bowls for fruit or ice-cream.

 

 

See, I tried this tip and while it did make some pretty amazing cookie bowls, all my craft utensils melted into this toxic, multi-coloured gloop on the bottom of my oven, producing a thick, black smoke that stained the roof of our flat so badly the landlord says he’s keeping our deposit.

Still, the cookie bowls were awesome. Even if they did taste a little of melted plastic and resulted in us having to be rushed to the emergency room.

Yum!

 

Tip #4:

Win friends at breakfast with this heart-shaped egg tutorial. Aww shucks!

 

 

For the longest time, I’d finish up a hearty breakfast feeling nourished physically, but completely empty and unfulfilled emotionally.

It was then that I realised it was because I wasn’t winning friends at breakfast!

With this handy tip, I win friends all the time now. Why, just the other day I was talking to one of the recent friends I’ve won, reminiscing about how we first met in a crowded restaurant and how, using nothing more than a rubber band I carry around with me everywhere I go, a chopstick and a rectangular piece of paper, I mangled 5 hard boiled eggs trying to make an egg / boat thing that I then cut in half to create egg hearts so I could win his friendship!

“Ha ha. Yeah…” he said, thinking back on that day, “I hate you.”

 

Tip #5:

Bread tags make the perfect-sized cord labels.

 

 

Ever since I started using this tip, all that endless confusion about which cable belongs to my mouse and which one powers my laptop is finally over!

Now I come to work confident in the knowledge that no longer will I waste the first hour of my day trying to plug my mouse into the power cable hole and vice versa, hooray!

I hope you guys find these five tips as useful as I did and share them with friends and family to make their lives easier too.

Send this post on now to 5 people and an amazing thing will happen in your life!

Send it on to 10 and you will be magically granted the ability to fly and shoot lasers out of your eyes and send it to 20 or more and you will win so much money, you’ll be richer than God!

-ST