Posts Tagged ‘fuck valentines day

14
Feb
13

Slicky-T And The Valentine’s Day Curse

cupid5afDo you guys remember Valentine’s Day back in highschool? I do! And that shit cracks me up every time because I NEVER got any fucking roses, chocolates or cards, I was that kid.

No wait, I did get the one rose once from a girl in matric, but otherwise the whole thing was a gigantic waste of time for me. I went in with low expectations and was never disappointed because I am cursed.

Valentine’s Day and I have never been friends. The best Valentine’s Day I spent was at The Doors in Joburg where they released a gigantic net of red and white balloons that the crowd obliterated with Rammstein blasting in the background.

I can count the number of romantic, candle-lit Valentine’s Days I’ve spent gazing lovingly into a girl’s eyes while a suitably cheesy song (cue Chris DeBurgh’s “Lady In Red”) plays in the background on one hand.

That was all before J-Rab and I started dating though. Now Valentine’s Day has taken on a whole new meaning for me. Now I have someone to share my contempt for it with!

 

 

Come October this year, J-Rab and I will have been dating for six years and you know how many Valentine’s Days we’ve spent together? Motherflippin’ TWO! Hahahaha!

First two years we were living in different continents (long story), the year after that J-Rab had just moved to Cape Town and I was still packing up the flat in Joburg, the next two were the ones we spent together and this year, she’s in the UK and I’m here.

The first one we actually spent together was awesome. We both felt so much pressure to make the best of it, our very first Valentine’s Day together that it flopped spectacularly and ended with both of us fully acknowledging that Valentine’s Day is a total load of shit.

“But it’s not about the flowers or the cards or the chocolates!” I hear you all say, “Don’t buy into the commercial bullshit, Valentine’s Day is about celebrating your love for one another!”

 

 

I get that all the time when I explain J-Rab and my total disinterest in Valentine’s Day but I just nod and smile.

Real love celebrates itself spontaneously and without restraints or expectations. It flows in abundance, never running dry, never relying on anything outside itself to fill itself. It is selfless and pure and is communicated in a language that is timeless, wordless and powerful enough to change the world.

Right back when J-Rab and I first started seeing one another I remember asking my old lady how the hell J-Rab and I were ever going to close the continental space between us, whether it was even worth trying.

My old lady said to me, “If it was meant to be, it will be. Love can move mountains” and God bless her, she was right.

Back then J-Rab would often joke that I was the best mistake she ever made.

So this one’s for you babe, Happy Valentine’s Day (um, probably just listen to the song and don’t watch the actual video because yeah, clearly Sheryl’s choreographer was sick that day…)

 

 

To love.

To the real deal Winking smile

-ST

12
Feb
10

Valentine’s Day Post

Valentine’s Day is definitely my favourite Hallmark Holiday because it very neatly divides the world into two factions – people who are in a relationship and people who aren’t or, in layman’s terms, people who will get ass and people who wish they were getting ass.

 

 

So logically, when V-day rolls around one of two things will happen to you, (please keep in mind I’m writing this from a male perspective because, well, that’s what I am):

Thing Number One

A sudden and inexplicable panic will strike you. “Fuck!” you’ll think to yourself, “is it Valentine’s Day already?! Fuck! What the hell should I get her? No wait, screw that, why the fuck should I get her anything just because some greeting card company says so? Fuck it, I’ll just explain the retarded logic behind it all to her and suggest we just forget it this year…”

This will not end well. Your girlfriend is not stupid, she knows it’s a bullshit marketing ploy, BUT she’ll be damned if her friends are being spoilt rotten by their boyfriends while she files her nails and watches you play X-Box.

 

 

Play along. If you get it right she might reward you by inviting that friend of hers who posed in FHM once over for a threesome. Not likely, but hey, a guy can dream.

Thing Number Two

A sudden and inexplicable hatred will strike you. “Fuck!” you’ll think to yourself, “it’s Valentine’s day and I’m single – AGAIN! I hate everyone in a relationship right now! They make me want to puke! Valentine’s day makes me want to puke! Romance is shit! I’m going to a ‘fuck Valentine’s Day party’ to get wasted, I’m not even going to try to hook up with anyone I’m so pissed off! But y’know… if it happens I won’t say no… could be quite nice actually…’

For the longest time in my life I was a ‘Thing Number Two’ kinda guy, a TNT man if you will, because I have chronically bad luck when it comes to Valentine’s Day and have only spent ONE Valentine’s Day with a girlfriend.

How. Sad. Is. That?

Remember Valentine’s Day back in highschool? What a giant clusterfuck of competing adolescent egos, man-o-man! I remember slouching my way over to the school hall with my buddies with this feeling of mounting dread welling up inside me as we took our seats and our school prefects (who all got dressed up in drag for some ungodly reason) started pumping rave ‘choons’ and handing out valentines to the lucky assholes whose girlfriends / crushes had decided to make a public display of their affection.

 

 

And there the rest of us sat, our hearts full of hope, our heads bobbing like meerkats every time we thought we’d heard our names called, only to have that hope crushed into the dirt when yet again, we left the school hall empty handed and went behind the school bathrooms to smoke some heroin.

I call this the ‘Charlie Brown Scenario’ because let’s be honest, that kid’s a big, fat loser that nobody, not even the kids watching the show, ever liked. Where the fuck is his hair?! Fucking Progeria-ridden motherfucker – wear a wig for chrissakes!

Anyway, I call it the Charlie Brown Syndrome because of the fucking infuriating way he would always run up to kick the football Lucy was holding, only to be duped by the bitch, time and time again, as she pulled away at the last minute.

EVERYONE saw it coming. EVERY kid watching that show was like, ‘”Charlie Brown you fucking moron, don’t fucking fall for that sneaky little whore’s tricks! Get the fuck outta there, go! Run away! Eat some rocks you got from Halloween or something, anything!”

 

 

But the goddamn tard never listened to reason, did he? Well, I felt like that goddamn tard every time Valentine’s Day rolled around, convincing myself that this time, Lucy was going to keep her finger on that football but no, the slut never did and I left the hall with nothing but a desperate longing to burn the school to the ground.

And surprise surprise, this year’s no different. I’m stuck up here in Joburg while J-Rab is down in Stellenbosch and yes, I know it’s just a dumb fucking fabricated event to encourage mass consumerism, but I’d give anything to spend it with her.

We’ve been dating for three years in October and never spent Valentine’s Day together, but you bet your ass when that day finally comes there’ll be a fucking parade in the streets!

There’ll be all the roses in the world built up into massive, red, heart-shaped floats and hundreds of fat little dwarf dudes in togas with tiny white feathery wings on, and when we reach the city centre we’ll release a hundred thousand red and white balloons that will float toward the clouds and into jet engines everywhere.

 

 

It will be epic 😉

But until then if you, like me, are spending Valentine’s Day away from your loved one, just remember this: yes, it may be lonely and depressing and yes, there’s a good chance that you’ll feel like a big fat loser but it’s nothing, nothing a little heroin can’t fix 😉

Happy Valentine’s Day.

-ST