What no one tells you about being an expectant parent is how often you are going to be asked the question “Are you / you guys excited?†in the nine months leading up to the big day.
There is only one answer to this question, which is something I found out the hard way when I decided to answer “No,†for shits one time and everyone in the room went quiet and stared at the floor.
Don’t do what “Tiger Don’t†does. Always answer yes to that question even though in truth, a word like “excited†covers maybe one tenth of what you feel in the months leading up to parenthood.
There have been moments when I’ve felt ecstatic, when I’ve felt like I’ve jammed my tongue in a wall socket and 10 000 volts of current are coursing through me. We’ve created LIFE! Thanks to J-Rab and I, a little girl is going to be born who’s going to experience all the wonder of this life with the two of us to guide her through it.
The list of firsts that she’s going to experience are endless. Her first feed, her first diaper change, the first time she smiles, the first time she sleeps through the night, her first tooth, her first word, her first step, the first time she tastes ice-cream, her first trip to the zoo, the first time she tells us she loves us.
When you think about all that, you feel amazing. It’s the natural way of the world, it’s our sole biological function – to survive, reproduce and ensure the survival of our offspring. You feel that when you’re an expectant parent, the interconnectedness of it all.
There’s another side to it though, the side that creeps in uninvited at 3am when you’re lying awake bracing yourself for a future that you have no idea if you can handle.
A different list of firsts emerges during those hours. The first time she cries and won’t stop, the first time she gets sick, her first bruise, her first cut, the first time you let her down, the first time you make a mistake that you know is going to effect her her whole life, the first time you have to explain to her that one day, no matter how well you live your life, no matter how good you are as a person and how much joy you bring to this world, you will die.
The first time she gets her heart broken. The first time she tells you you’re the worst parents in the world.
When you get into that frame of mind, everything changes. You no longer see the world as a place of wonder but rather a place of hidden dangers and unnumbered sorrows. You think about your own parents and how even though they only ever wanted the best for you, even they made mistakes which, in the face of becoming a parent, are suddenly a whole lot more forgivable than they were when they happened.
And somewhere around 4am, after thinking round and round in circles you reach the inevitable question that every first parent asks themselves during the 9 months leading up to the big day, “What the hell am I doing?â€
What the hell am I doing bringing another person into this world besides setting her up for the same crippling blows that life deals out indiscriminately and with cruel abandon to everyone who lives it?
What right do I have to visit that suffering on anyone? We had a choice, we could have taken more precautions, we could have been more careful, this poor little baby doesn’t have that choice. Thanks to something we did she exists now and even though it may have nothing to do with us whatsoever, we will forever feel like if something bad happens to her, it’s our fault.
It’s heavy, I know. It’s not the kind of thing expectant parents admit freely, never mind post on a public forum for the whole world to read and judge, but I felt I had to write this if for no other reason than to let any other expectant parents out there feeling the same thing know that they are not alone.
There is one thought that pulls me through it all though, one crucial idea that I cling to and that has been a source of infinite hope during the tough times we’ve been through and it is something J-Rab’s mom said to her that I’ve never forgotten.
Yes, the world is a tough, scary place and yes, there are all ready far too many of us in it, BUT the world is still sorely lacking in one very valuable commodity: good people.
And that’s all there is to it. You do your best, you love her as much as humanly possibly, you give her every opportunity you can and help her as much as you can along the way and if you get that right, you bolster the count of good people in this world by one.
It’s a lot easier said than done, but I have the best woman by my side any guy could ask for, not to mention some pretty incredible family and friends who I know I can always turn to when the going gets tough.
And that’s why, when all is said and done and people ask me if I’m excited to be a dad, I smile and I say yes I am.
I’m ready.
I’m ready 
-ST
