Don’t get me wrong, I love a good braai just as much as the next South African. What better way to spend a sunny day than with good friends, cold beers and the mouth-watering aroma of delicious animals sizzling above a blanket of red hot coals.
It’s ingrained in our DNA. It’s as natural to South Africans as making chocolate is to the Swiss or being snooty pricks is to the French.
However, as a concerned global citizen I think we should pause for a minute and consider whether making EVERYONE IN THE COUNTRY BRAAI AT THE SAME TIME is really that smart.
Think about the countless thousands of kilos of wood and fossil fuels that were consumed this past weekend. Imagine all the forests that were cut down to satiate the burning desire that National Braai Day has created in South Africans of every creed and colour to braai the shit out of everything from mielies to mutton.
Which brings me neatly to my next point – the meat. Anyone read any statistics of how much meat was actually consumed this weekend? I shudder to think about the kilometres of boerie and tons of sosaties crammed into the mouths of Saffers in a desperate attempt to feel some kind of kinship with one another that doesn’t involve cheering for people who run around fields kicking / hitting different shaped balls.
Those animals had FAMILIES! They had amazing, bright futures ahead of them until we ground them up with their parents and children to make nice fat coils of Grabouw Farm Style boerie – buy in bulk and save!
Not to mention all the grain those animals had to be fed, all the millions of Rands spent pumping them full of vaccines, growth hormones and god knows what else to ensure that they don’t die until we decide they’re good and ready, and when that moment comes, they are the Incredible Hulks of the animal kingdom.
Day to day this shit doesn’t bother me, but it’s when we encourage EVERYONE TO DO IT AT THE SAME TIME that I start to wonder whether this is the brightest idea…
And so J-Rab and I came up with an ingenious alternative to Braai Day that I will be actively encouraging everyone to get involved in next year because you’d be a fucking retard not to.
It’s called NAAI DAY.
It involves literally waking up in the morning and dedicating an entire day to naaing.
Of course, the big aim of Naai Day will be to promote safe sex, which is why I’ll be approaching every condom manufacturer known to man to sponsor this nation wide campaign, because let’s be honest, as fun as braaing is, it will never beat spending the entire day naaing.
Naysayers will come at me with torches and pitchforks saying how irresponsible it is to promote an entire day devoted to banging in a country where AIDS is rife, family planning is non-existent and rape is a major issue, but I’ll say “be cool daddy-o†to all those naysayers because educating people about those things and creating awareness around those contentious issues is what Naai Day is ALL ABOUT.
Plus, it’s the perfect way to celebrate our heritage! We wouldn’t fucking exist if it weren’t for naaing so why not celebrate that fact by spending some real quality time with the one you love, making love.
I’m serious here guys. I just think that Braai Day is an unsustainable idea and one that, if it’s allowed to continue to grow year by year, is going to melt the polar ice caps, kill of entire plant and animal species and lead to us bankrupting the world’s natural resources to the point where all that will be left of the world by the time our grandkids are born is a barren wasteland of rusted Webers and broken braai tongs.
Compare that with a day spent enjoying the fun of safe, consensual, mind-blowingly amazing sex again and again and again and it’s a no-brainer guys, really.
So who’s with me here! Together we can make Naai Day a reality and save the world by doing what our ancestors and our ancestor’s ancestors have been doing since the dawn of mankind.
Fucking like our lives depend on it.
Amen.
-ST
