Posts Tagged ‘charnas

17
Apr
12

Okes Who Like To Klap It #13: Bromance Charnas

alex-romanoff-bromanceHazit ma charnas!

So I was surfing Vleisboek the other day for buff pics of okes I know who klap MMA  when I suddenly found a lekker video that says everything I was trying to say about how without your charnas, you are NOTHING in life.

You’ll NEVER have a oke to spot you for 120kilo benchpress, you’ll NEVER have a charna to help you spray tan that place where your arms can’t reach behind your back and you’ll NEVER have a boychay to tell you, “It’s ok boet, it’s perfectly normal, don’t stress my charna.  It will go back to it’s normal size one day, I promise.”

These ous in this video are flippin’ TIGHT! These ous would MOER ANYONE who messed with their boychays! These ous wouldn’t even THINK TWICE about helping one of their mates who had klapped too many brandy and cokes to undress and get into bed, even if it meant sharing and being the BIG SPOON!

Watch this video and take notes okes. There WILL be a quiz after the end.

 

 

You check that lekker *5 at the end there? Ja. I INVENTED that shit, BEST way to show a oke he’s your mate.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I gotta go find a boychay to watch these episodes of Grey’s Atonomy I just downloaded.

Flip I love that show…

-ST

07
Oct
11

Okes Who Like To Klap It #8: Belters In Legwarmers!

80s-Leg-WarmersCharnas, you gotta believe me when I choon you that the legwarmer crave that I started has gone flippin’ bonkers and tuff ous from all over the country are sending me pics of EVERYTHING wearing retro moffie socks!

I can’t believe it that it was only a week ago that I started everything with me posting a oke I saw KLAPPING IT in retro moffie socks. Then, hard;y a week later I see another charna KLAPPING IT EVEN HARDER, also in retro moffie socks.

And NOW it’s not just boychays wearing this miracle strength-inhancing leg-KLAPPER, as I discovered during my mid-day PUMP at Virgin Wembley yesterday, it’s BELTERS too!

 

 

Apparently, the magic of the moffie sock works for BELTERS too, encouraging circlation through the entire body, therefore promoting oyxgen to the muscles which maximises not only the BUFFNESS but also the BENDING ABILITY of any BELTER.

But then ous took things to a whole OTHER LEVEL and put moffie socks on inanminate objects like ol’ Jannie Van Riebeek’s statue in KLAPSTAD, thereby making the statue INSTANTLY stand 78% more still than usual and get kakked on by 130% less pidgeons – KLAP IT JANNIE!

 

 

But there’s more okes! On Wensday, one of my good chommies Wit Willie who KLAPS IT with all the the TUFF OUS and BELTERS at Virgin Active Greenpoint (or “The Point” as the kief ous call it) was driving home in his lekker supedup Ford Focus ST with his “Tap Out” bumper sticker when he saw THIS:

 

 

HEY?! HOW FLIPPIN’ BUFF IS THAT GIRAFFE?!

You can check by the lekker definition in the giraffe’s rear leg and his BUFF DELTS, that this charna’s a BEAST in the gym. And I can tell you right now that that BUFFNESS comes from the retro moffie socks the ou is wearing – KLAP IT GIRAFFE!

But lastly okes, there’s one more. For this one I want you charnas and belters out there to just prepare yourselves beforehand for the buffness because it’s OFF THE FLIPPIN’ CHAIN!

My other buddy, Chippy, was doing STREET LUNGES with 20kilo dumbells the other day to give his quads a flippin’ lekker workout when he, out the side of his eye, checked THIS:

 

 

Okes, I’m not joking when I tell you that Chippy told me that the light that shone from that flippin’ streetpost was so flippin MASSIVE AND RIPPED, it was MELTING THE FLIPPIN’ CARS!

Completely mesmernised, Chippy pushed the button you see in the picture and flippin’ BALLS OF GREEN, RED AND ORANGE FIRE shot out of the streetpost and melted a ENTIRE BUILDING down – KLAP IT STREETPOST!

The power of the moffie socks cannot be unnerestimated okes. Those charnas back in the 80s when every oke looked like ARNOLD SHWARZENNEGAR and every BELTER looked like JANE FONDLE knowed secrets of KLAPPING IT we can only dream of.

 

 

If I could go back in time like that movie with the ous in the car that runs on GARBAGE, I’d go back to the the 80s to learn from the masters in my lekker retro moffie socks and come back THE BUFFEST CHARNA IN THE LAND!

All I need is a little irritating oke in a kief red jacket and a mad professor oke who shouts a lot and has kak hair. Anyone know any ous like that…?

KLAP IT CHARNAS!

-ST

01
Aug
11

Okes Who Like To KLAP IT #4 – Wolfpack RFC Vs Durbanville 5

Wolfpack1Jassis ma charnas, but did I watch a HELLUVA flippin’ TIGHT rukby games on Saturday! It was just laaik that flippin’ movie ROCKY 1 when that MASSIVE AND RIPPED oke does all the one-arm pushups and then MOERS the meat in the freezer, only this time the BUFF CHARNA was WOLFPACK RFC and the meat in the freezer was Durbanville 5.

It was a game full of surprises, the first one being the fact that the flippin Durbanville 5 team kept flippin’ SCORING TRIES against the MONSTER OKES in the Wolfpack!

I could hardly believe my eyes and did at one stage think I’d klapped too many brandy and coke specials (R30 for two doubles and coke, are you FLIPPIN’ SERIOUS?!), especially when we got to nearly the end of the game and the Durbanville 5 okes were leading 25 – 20.

 

 

But you gotta say one thing about the BUFF CHARNAS in the Wolfpack RFC, not only are they FLIPPIN MASSIVE AND RIPPED, but flip ma boychay, they got a lotta heart and just like that movie with the metal oke from the future who comes back to the past and gets blown up and shot and run over with a truck and MOERED STUKKEND, when they decide they want to kill a oke, NOTHING can stop them.

In the last 5 MINUTES the Wolfpack RFC okes scored a try and converted themselves straight into victory. Okes couldn’t believe it. The Durbanville 5 charnas looked BROKEN while the Wolfpack fans punched the air and made the Wolfpack howl.

Even I cried a bit. Mostly because the brandy special ended, but also because I was happy for the BUFF CHARNAS of the Wolfpack.

But lemme tell you – the flippin GOOD TIMES were only starting. After the game we rode the party bus for about two hours all around Cape Town while the Wolfpack okes had a DAK fines meeting.

 

 

Okes were fined for everything! Dropped the ball you CHOP! FINE! Didn’t MOER a oke STUKKEND! FINE! Didn’t obey the BUFFALO rule (flip boet, are you STUPID?!) FINE!

 

 

And the okes who did the DUMBEST SHIT got the SUPER FINE – BOOZE IN A SHOE!

 

 

All in all, it was a flippin’ EMOTIONAL day. There were pushups, BUFF CHARNAS, 15 cases of beer and even a blonde belter! But just the one, next time I expect there to be at least 10! What are we? Durbanville 5?

So with the end of the season coming up, the Wolfpack RFC boychies are looking BUFF as ever and it wouldn’t surprise me if they win the entire LEAGUE and, like the metal oke from that movie, go back in time and MOER THEM ALL A SECOND TIME!

KLAP IT BOYCHIES!

-ST

09
Feb
10

The SlickTiger Guide to Klapping Gym Boet!

As an oke with lots of mates who are also okes I can tell you straight that it’s every oke’s dream to get MASSIVE AND RIPPED and bang two hot blondes AT THE SAME TIME!

Once an oke has achieved this goal, he is happy and can spend the rest of his life sitting on the couch, drinking beer, watching sports and TELLING OTHER PEOPLE WHAT TO DO.

He has earned this right, nobody can take this right away from him and with my help you can earn this right too, but first you gotta learn the proper way to KLAP GYM BOET! or you’ll always be a loser who can’t pull hot chicks and spends friday nights at home twitting with his loser friends on the interweb.

STEP ONE TO KLAPPING GYM BOET!

The first step to klapping gym boet is to buy a fucking TIGHT VEST. This will intimidate your opponents in the gym and make the hot chicks there stare at you and you will be able to lift 15% heavier weights from the confidence boost it will give you.

Confidence is everything. A wise man once told me if you don’t have confidence, fuck off, and he was right.

Ideally, you want your vest to show your biceps, triceps, delts, traps, lats, pecs, but NOT NIPPLES! That’s flippin’ gay.

 

 

STEP 2 TO KLAPPING GYM BOET!

Everyone knows that to klap it PROPERLY in the gym you need to be as tanned AS CAN BE! Having a GREAT TAN in the gym will not only make all your muscles look RIPPED, but it will also show all the chicks checking you out that, yes, you are an outdoors kind of guy and not some gay moffie who’s scared to lie in the sun for 13 hours wearing a thong.

I went onto the internet to show you just how ripped and amazing okes look with a little bit of a tan.

 

 

The charna in the above photo has NAILED not only a flippin’ AMAZING tan, but also a hot blonde belter who probably called her friend who was also a hot blonde belter right after this picture was taken so they could bang this guy. AT THE SAME TIME!

His arm is MASSIVE and covered in veins. Fuck, I can’t look at this picture anymore. FUCK! I’m jealous…

 

 

What can I say about this charna’s AWESOME tan that would do ANY JUSTICE to him or how AWESOME he is? Look at his even, brown / orange skin tone, flippin’ HARDCORE man! Look at the clear line between his pecs – proof that this charna likes to KLAP THE GYM! AND HARD!

Such a shame about the bladdy rough chick on his left though, but I’m sure with a bit of blonde hair dye, 70 hours in the sun, 6 months in the gym and lekker big fake tits, she’d look ok. Not flippin’ hot. But ok. He could do better.

 

 

Please go back up and just look at this photo one more time. Please just do that RIGHT NOW CAUSE THIS OKE’S TAN IS MAKING ME KAK MY PANTS HIS FLIPPIN TAN IS SO AWESOME!

Look how MASSIVE AND RIPPED he is! You don’t need to tell an oke like this how to KLAP GYM BOET, he wrote the BOOK! He’s also wearing a backwards cap and sunglasses IN THE GYM, so automatically plus 40% to his confidence which means he will be able to lift 75% heavier weights!

Now THAT’S what a kief tan can do for YOU!

STEP 3 TO KLAPPING GYM BOET!

Step three is a crucial one, this is SERIOUS now, so PAY ATTENTION, I”M ONLY GONNA SAY THIS ONCE.

In a gym situation you are nothing, NOTHING! without your charnas. You think you can get flippin RIPPED and MASSIVE and bang two hot blonde chicks at the same time if you train by yourself? Fuck boet, are you stupid?

The okes you train with are your CHARNAS! They are your BROTHERS! They will be there for you to tell you ‘Fuck boet, you look HUGE!’ and ‘I want 5 MORE! I FLIPPIN’ WANT FIVE MORE!’ and ‘Is that a new vest? Flip boet, it really brings out the colour of your eyes.’

Without your charnas you are NOTHING! You’ll have NO ONE to shout at and NO ONE will stare at you in the gym, shaking their heads because they can’t believe how MASSIVE AND RIPPED you and your charnas are!

Look at these charnas. They obviously gym together. Look at the blonde belter the one oke is gonna bang with her best friend who is also a blonde belter as soon as she gets back from having her boobs juiced up to the max.

Flippin’ awesome.

 

 

STEP 4 TO KLAPPING GYM BOET

As with most things in life, an important part of klapping gym boet is knowing when to stop. There is a time in every Gym Boy’s life when he looks at himself, RIPPED and MASSIVE in the mirror and thinks to himself ‘I can’t even wipe my own arse anymore. Have I gone too far?’

Well, I’m here to tell you the answer to that question is NO!

When is it time to stop getting MASSIVE? NEVER!

Lots of chicks will say that they ‘Don’t like a man who is too massive’, but they’re flippin’ lying cause they LOVE IT! They’re just scared of his muscles, and can we blame them? NO!

Take a look at this photo and tell me who’s going to win this ‘Who is the MASSIVEST?’ competition:

 

 

Let’s see. Is it going to be Mr ‘I look like Eddie Murphy in a red speedo’ there on the right? Or maybe Mr ‘I thought about injecting horse growth hormones but decided not to’ there in the middle?

NO! Fuck, are you stupid?! It’s going to be the FLIPPIN’ HUGE OKE on the right who’s so MASSIVE AND RIPPED his two blonde belter girlfriends have to brush his teeth for him and doctors say he won’t live past 35! KLAP IT BOET!

Do you think he’d ever be that MASSIVE AND RIPPED if he just GAVE UP?! Please man. Don’t be thick.

Here’s another example:

 

 

This oke is so massive he can just go around putting his hand on blonde belter’s boobs ALL THE TIME and they don’t even mind, in fact, they ENJOY IT because they know he could uppercut their HEADS OFF if they tried to stop him.

What a LEGEND! Any second her blonde belter friend’s going to arrive and you KNOW what’s going to happen then! Flippin’ AWESOME!

I think I’ve proved my point about step four, NEVER GIVING UP, but just to make sure, I’ll ask you one last question.

Do you think this man, this old man, could EVER! EVER! have gotten so MASSIVE AND RIPPED if he’d known when enough was enough?

 

 

STEP 5 TO KLAPPING GYM BOET!

The last and final step to klapping gym boet is the nutritional step, because unless you eat right and inject dangerous steroids daily, you’ll never get RIPPED CHARNA!

Eating right means eating PROTEIN ALL THE TIME, CONSTANTLY, WITHOUT EVEN STOPPING, because this way you’ll show your body that NO! You don’t need any flippin’ fat! You don’t need to store any nutrition, you’re shoving it in your face CONSTANTLY!

Injecting dangerous steroids daily means experiencing violent mood swings, possibly because of the steroids and also possibly because your cheloger is ONLY ONE INCH LONG!

But seriously boet! Come off it man! Who needs a normal-sized cheloger when you’ve got two blonde belters, one on each arm ready to BANG YOU BECAUSE YOU’RE SO MASSIVE AND RIPPED!?

Fuck man! Are you stupid?

Now go out there and KLAP SOME GYM BOET!

FLIPPIN’ SCHWEET!

-ST