Posts Tagged ‘blue moon

10
Feb
10

Porn saved my life

By SlickTiger 3 Comments
Categories: Being Slick
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

What’s pretty rad about living in the modern world is there’s not really any stigma attached to porn anymore, provided it’s regular porn and not 2Girls1Cup porn or 1Man1Jar porn (hadn’t heard of that one had ya? Google it! Do it now!).

This means that as long as you’re not at work and you’re a single guy or have an open-minded girlfriend, you can pretty much watch porn to your heart’s content and no one’s going to think any worse of you… except your parents. They might be a little creeped out by the copy of ‘Weapons of Ass Destruction 5’ you keep stashed under your pillow and come to think of it, so am I.

 

 

Ask any guy and they’ll probably tell you they’ve learnt a lot of valuable lessons from porn, like the perks of being a TV repair man for example or how to make light of an awkward situation like walking in on your wife and the babysitter dressed in leathers and lubing up a cucumber.

But how many guys can say that porn has saved their lives?

Well, porn saved my life. I did a solo road trip about three years ago from Joburg to Colesburg to Storms River to Cape Town then to Colesburg again and finally back to Joeys.

It was an epic trip and I had all kinds of cool adventures along the way, well at least I think I had all kinds of cool adventures because to be honest, I don’t remember much of what went down.

One minute I’m having a sokkie-jol with the locals at The Blue Moon in the middle of butt-fuck nowhere, next I’m arm wrestling one pasty Brit after the next at Djembe Backpackers Lodge, next I’m dislocating my arm in a swimming pool (long story) and popping it back in myself in Kommetjie, next I’m wandering around Vortex somewhere in Paarl with a giant pink sombrero listening to a total stranger rattle on about how the entire story of Christmas evolved from people eating too many magic mushrooms in the forest and staring at reindeer.

 

 

It was a holiday so badass I needed a holiday after it just to recover and actually ended up taking two day’s sick leave when I got back because I had bronchitis and felt like hell.

Thing about the trip was that I did every leg of serious driving more hungover than the last and all I can say is never, never subject yourself to that kind of torture. It got so bad that unless I’d swallowed three packets of McNabs Energy Tabs and downed two Red Bulls before hitting the road, I was about as useful behind the wheel as a blind monkey with one arm.

Once I’d taken the edge off my hangovers all that was left to do was keep my eyes on the road, concentrate and drive. Then drive some more. Then drive some more. Then after that, you guessed it, lunch at Wimpy, yum!

Bottom line is I was dead tired for the last couple of trips I did and tried everything to stay awake – winding the windows down, playing music loud, biting my cheeks really hard, slapping my face really hard, having a conversation with myself in numerous different voices, drinking lots of orange juice, singing the theme songs of every old TV show I ever saw (‘Come and knock on our dooooooor, we’ve been waiting for yoooooouuuuu”) and eventually pulling all my nose hairs out, one every 15 minutes.

 

 

It’s all bullshit. None of it fucking worked. All that happened was I got funny looks at the petrol stations I stopped at because my hair was a bird’s nest, my face was bright red, my nose was bleeding and I kept chewing my cheeks and singing the A-Team theme song under my breath.

I knew I’d hit rock bottom when, whilst driving between Cape Town and Colesburg I looked up to see an entire family of cute little dassies crossing the road and mowed down everyone of them.

I had to find a way to stay awake, those dassies never did a damn thing to me and there I was, smearing them across the road like lumpy jam.

 

 

Suddenly God, or some kind of divine entity, parted the clouds above me and in a epiphanic moment, an infinite reel of every porn movie I’ve ever seen started playing in my head.

It was everything from the classics like “Bang Hur”, “King Dong” and “Laurence of a Labia” to modern day titles such as “Position Impossible”, “In Diana Jones And The Temple Of Poon” and “How Stella Got Her Tube Packed” (don’t ask).

I’ve never been so alert whilst driving in my entire life. My only regret is that I didn’t figure this miracle cure for drowsiness sooner!

So the next time your parents / landlord / boss / the police walk in on you appreciating some fine pornographic material and try to evict / fire / arrest you tell ‘em straight up, “Hey, do you mind! I’m fucking saving countless lives here ok?! Christ, knock next time!”

Hey presto! Problem solved 😉

-ST

01
Jan
10

2010 And All Is Quiet

By SlickTiger 2 Comments
Categories: Good Times
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Guys, good news. I’m still alive and I’m proud of that fact because man-o-man, I felt rough as an ogre’s ass this morning.

Never again right? Hells no. Yesterday started out pretty calm and breezy but very quickly started spinning out of control.

It was late afternoon when the first few beers of the evening were cracked open here at our flat. Action Jackson and his buddy Q came over. I found J-Rab’s camera and got all creative with the following incredible result:

 

 

Then J-Rab and I did the cute, coupley thing where you take about 50 pictures of the two of you trying to get the perfect one while everyone else in the room vomits a little into their mouths.

 

 

The best part of the day though was the fact that my good buddy from highschool, Van Barman, was down here (across here?) from Puerto Rico, where he works as a rescue swimmer with the US Coast Guard.

I always respected him for that and always will. He jumps out of fucking helicopters into oceans that are sometimes rough as hell and saves people’s lives.

He makes a real difference in the world. He also gets to live in a tropical paradise, and from the pics he’s sent us I can tell you there’s nothing fucking wrong with that at all.

We headed up to our pool / braai area for a swim, but only Barman and I jumped in, everyone else was lame. It was a beautiful afternoon though, just the six of us up there while the sun set slowly, one last time for 2009.

 

 

From there, our merry little band of drunkards headed back to the flat and continued boogying on down, only Barman and his GF (pictured above) had a family dinner and had to leave, only to be replaced by Johnny D, another good highschool friend I haven’t seen in years.

We hit the liquor store just before it closed and I bought a gigantic bottle of champers to fire off at midnight. It’s not New Year’s unless some douche is shooting a bottle of champers like a shotgun, and I figured that douche might as well be me.

Back at HQ, we decided to lay a whole bunch of blankets out in the parking lot so we’d have a good view of the moon for the eclipse that was going down. Last night was not only a full moon, but it was also a blue moon (ie. the second full moon in one month) AND an eclipse.

I was stoked! Also, I was 100% convinced by superpowers were going to kick in the second that eclipse hit, fuck yeah! And so we lay on our blankets, drank, talked a load of shit and waited. And waited. And waited. And waited some more.

Finally, after about an hour, here’s what we saw:

 

 

Moments later I got a call from Barman cause his dinner thing had ended and I went to pick his ass up and kick things up another notch.

From there on in, it gets a little blurry. There was Jagermeister guys, there was whisky, there was red wine, there was brandy and coke. There were great conversations, life changing shit was discussed, I just can’t really remember whats.

We decided to head up to the pool again to ring in the New Year and I became fanatically obsessed with the sparklers J-Rab brought out and insisted that I light mine before New Years and then promptly dropped it in the pool.

When the countdown came around I was ready for it though and had my bottle of champers in hand to fire it off triumphantly as the countdown hit 5… 4… 3… 2… 1…

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Pow! Off went the cork, my timing was immaculate, which was pretty surprising considering the fine form I was in.

 

 

Um, yeah. I’m sorry you had to see that.

Personally, I don’t remember that photo being taken, but it goes a long way to explaining why I felt like eating a 9mil for breakfast this morning.

Good times 🙂

Of course, everything ended in tears. I’m not sure if I’m just really acting well in this pic or if I did indeed suffer some kind of emotional breakdown. It’s quite possible that the awesomeness of the day was just too much for me to handle.

Good thing my old buddy Barman was there so pull me back together.

 

 

I don’t know what time it was when it all ended, but I think we were all more than ready to pack it up, pack it in by the end of it.

I was a good party. Good times were had, and I feel ready for 2010. I sure as hell didn’t this morning, but I do now. I bested my hangover, I came out tops, nothing can stop me.

Me and my lady spent most of today sleeping. It started out all sunny, but turned black and rainy just after lunchtime.

Now it’s drizzling lightly outside, we’re listening to The Dave Matthew’s Band and J-Rab’s curled up with The Persimmon Tree by Bryce Courtney.

Me, I’ve got a hankering for ice cream so I’m gonna wrap this up. Tomorrow I might actually get around to overhauling this site a little, but I won’t make any promises on that front.

Let’s just take it as it comes. I got 2 days left of holidays.

It’s gone by too fast, don’t you think? Let’s not go back to work on Monday! We can pull a sickie and stay home and watch DVDs, it’ll be awesome!

Fahk! I come up with THE BEST ideas sometimes!

Later masturbators, happy New Year!

-ST