Posts Tagged ‘anthony and the johnsons

11
Aug
11

What the Emoticons You Use Say About Your Mental Health

By SlickTiger 9 Comments
Categories: Killer Posts
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

406268It must have been a truly epic, universe-changing moment the first time man sat down to write something and after accidentally placing a colon next to a closed bracket, realised he’d just made a smiley.

“Hey guys! Guys! You gotta see what just happened!”

“What, what did you do? Cure cancer? Discover a cure for AIDS? Become immortal? TELL US!”

“Something way, way better than all those things. Check it out…”

🙂

“Woooaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh… That’s… that’s fucking AWESOME MAN! It’s like, now when I’m happy, I don’t need to write ‘I’m happy’ I can just use that convenient arrangement of punctuation, hooray!”

And so on, and so on.

Of course once emoticons started being used (which Wikipedia tells me was sometime around 1982), teenage girls the world over took things to a whole other level and before we knew what hit us, there were literally hundreds of the fucking things smiling, winking, crying and frowning their way across cyberspace at us like a yellow circus of over-emotional disembodied heads.

 

 

And yet, as with most things in life, when faced with so many choices as to how to express oneself through the use of these clever little icons, most people defaulted to only using one, two at the most, over and over and over again.

So here’s a summary of your current state of mental health according to the emoticons you use the most often based on extensive scientific research by SlickTiger Industries. Dig it.

 

Smile The Regular Smiley

Emotionally bankrupt. By far the most common of the whole bunch, people who use regular smileys are uninspired, emotionally distant, bored and boring. Don’t be fooled into thinking they are happy. These people need industrial strength anti-depressants to feel anything close to happiness.

 

 

Open-mouthed smile The SUPER SMILEY

Psychopath. People who use the SUPER SMILEY are hiding something. No one is that happy, it’s just not humanly possible. There’s a good chance this person has just murdered someone in cold blood and fed their remains to pigs. Never go to a cabin in the woods alone with the SUPER SMILEY person, and if you do, you better make sure it puts the lotion on its skin…

 

 

Winking smile The Winky Face

Paedophile. Either that or deranged sexual predator. Even the name “winky face” immediately conjures mental images of the old dude in the brown duster that used to hang around our pre-school with a bag of candy and a grin that would make Freddy Kruger run crying to his mom. The Winky Face says “I collect restraining orders”. Unless you ever had a burning desire to have your face printed on a milk carton, run far, far away.

 

 

Surprised smile The Shocked Smiley

Closet nymphomaniac. The whole acting shocked thing is all a big lie – this is the internet fer chrissake! NOBODY gets shocked anymore. If you’re blind dating a girl who sends this emoticon at any stage during your correspondence, you can bet money she’ll put out on the first date. If a guy uses this, I got bad news ladies, he’s a flaming homosexual.

 

 

Smile with tongue out Pulling Tongue Smiley

Junkie. Pulling Tongue Smiley users are strung out on drugs and have been for quite some time now. The pulling tongue smiley is commonly interpreted as being fun or cheeky, but don’t be fooled. This person does boatloads of drugs, and not the good variety. We’re talking about the kinda guy that huffs glue and paint fixative to wake up in the morning and then klaps a button of Mandrax mixed with BB tabacco in a hollowed out koki for breakfast. This person WILL steal your stereo at some stage or another, that’s a given.

 

 

Sad smile Sad Face

Emotional blackmailer. People whip these bad boys out when they want to lay the guilt on nice and thick. “Wen u comin home? :-(“ or “Missd u @ church y/day :-(“ are common examples of how this emoticon is used to dial the guilt right up to the “1000 hail Marys” mark. People don’t use these when they’re sad. They use them when they want to make YOU sad. Don’t play those petty games, tell them to man up and get off the fucking cross. The world has enough martyrs.

 

 

Crying face Crying Face

Suicidal. But not the “I’m going to eat a bullet” kind of suicidal, more like the “I’m going to go put my head in the oven now” kind of suicidal. These people cut themselves with pencil sharpener blades and then blame it on their non-existent cats. They listen to Anthony And The Johnsons and read to old people and secretly pray they’ll never live that long.

 

 

Disappointed smile Nothing Face

Sociopath. Probably the most obvious of the whole bunch. On the outside this person is a respected investment banker, but behind closed doors he chops people up with an axe whilst humming Huey Lewis And The News songs.

 

 

So there you have it boys and girls, all the most common smileys and the associated mental disorders of their frequent users summed up based on decades of extensive research.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I gotta go pick up a random hitch hiker and take him / her through to this great little cabin I found in Elgin, super stoked Open-mouthed smile

-ST

29
Mar
10

The Nuns Of The Antarctic

By SlickTiger 5 Comments
Categories: Being Slick
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

When I was younger, I fancied myself quite the budding poet and used to scribble out random and garbled verses that were mostly really shit, but hey, at least they rhymed.

In highshool I got published in a collection of poetry compiled by the poetry institute of Africa called ‘Shadows and Silhouettes’ which got me pretty excited until the thing finally arrived and I realised they’d pretty much published EVERY SINGLE POEM THEY GOT SENT.

To get published I think you just had to bang a out a verse or two and be in highschool, that was about it.

I tell ya, life is shitty sometimes. My buddy Barbarian fucking nailed it on Saturday night. We were sitting in his flat in Vredehoek and talking about some random thing or other when he said the funniest thing I’ve heard in months.

‘Christmas food,’ he said, ‘is crap.’

 

 

That simple sentence nearly had me in tears because he’s fucking right. The turkey is always way too dry and stringy, the Christmas pudding gives you the runs and mince pies are severely overrated.

You put your knife and fork down after eating Christmas food and you feel like your internal organs are dangerously close to rupturing.

No matter what anyone says, at that stage, you’re glad Christmas only comes once a year.

See, the magic of a thing is in the anticipation of it. The moment I found out I was going to get published, my adolescent mind filled up with all kinds of hallucinations of grandeur and I was pretty sure fame and fortune were close at hand.

 

 

Needless to say, over the next few years I wrote less and less poetry and became more and more sceptical of other ‘poets’. I started to suspect that really what they were doing was using poetry as a guise to write a pile of wanky shit that means nothing to anyone, including the person who wrote it.

This is especially true of the so called ‘poets’ who used to haunt open mike nights in varsity.

Pale, frail and nervous looking people, they would always go up there and read something that sounded like a confession about how their uncles fiddled with them when they were young and now they spend their alone time in their granny’s knickers listening to Anthony And The Johnsons.

 

 

I got drunk one night at such an event and wrote some poetry of my own on a serviette. After a particularly heart-wrenching performance by a guy who only just barely managed to keep his shit together onstage, I decided to jump in there, bar serviette in hand, to recite a poem I called:

Untitled

He drank until the day he died.
He drank to dull the ache inside.

He smoked until his lungs caved in.
All he ever knew was sin.

After what happened, he just gave in.
After what they did to him…

Dopey fucked a penguin.

Boy. Did that go down well.

-ST