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18
Nov
11

When You Got Nothing Left To Lose…

By SlickTiger Leave a Comment
Categories: Uncategorized
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1280_thumbI got this idea, this gigantic, fucking crazy-assed plan that’s been bouncing around inside my vast, empty skull the past two weeks about how I’m going to turn my life around and finally do what I was made for.

Of course, it’s anyone’s guess as to whether or not this idea is actually going to work. Like a lot of my half-baked plans, in real life it’ll probably look a whole lot different than it does in my head, but honestly? I don’t fucking care.

For the longest time, I haven’t been living, just killing time and telling anyone who’ll listen about how one day shit’s gonna be different. Always one day. Never today.

Some of us are born on top and some of us are born at the bottom, but it’s what you do after that point that really matters.

Me, I was lucky enough to be born somewhere near the top. I’ve never known hunger or homelessness or disability or disease. My concerns are the same concerns that have plagued the middle-classes for the last 100 years – how can I make more money to buy more shit I don’t need?

 

 

I could dedicate my life to that shallow pursuit, like so many of my friends and family have, and I could be good at it. Walk that time-worn path, climb the ladder one rung at a time, meet the right people, make the right friends, become fitter, happier, more productive…

And over time, I’d post less and less on this site. Set my mind to something that makes money, and the writer in me would wither until he’d be a raison of his former self, hardly capable of stringing a sentence together that could ever stand up to the thousands I’ve posted on this site.

Fuck that person. What a fucking jerk. Let’s never be that person. Let’s say fuck it right here and right now and start steering our lives in the direction we know they’re meant to be going in.

 

 

My buddy Lewis Pugh said to me you have to follow your dreams because if you follow someone else’s, you’ll never reach your true potential.

I got this crazy fucking idea and I’m charging toward it blindly because I got nothing left to lose and when you got nothing left to lose, you have everything to gain.

Your Tiger pal, he’s either really stupid or really brave.

It’s a fine line if there even is one Winking smile

Have a killer weekend party people.

-ST

01
Nov
11

SNOWED!

By SlickTiger 1 Comment
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

tumblr_lcrsw4kze51qc5x59o1_500I am completely snowed at the moment guys, so I’m not able to write the usual, thought compelling, life-changing, gag-inducing material that you’ve all grown to know and love, but what can you do?

I’m working right through to 10.30 / 11pm every night this week at all kinds of whisky-related events so yeah, forgive me if things are a little slow on the site.

We just need to band together during times like these and remember that blogging isn’t my day job and the bills don’t pay themselves.

To illustrate my point, here’s a picture of Jesus skateboarding like a total badass:

 

 

We cool?

Cool.

-ST

28
Oct
11

Pappas Got A Brand New Tang

By SlickTiger Leave a Comment
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Tomato badge artworkI had this buddy way back who was a serious doff ou, in fact, that’s what we used to call him – doffo.

Anyway, doffo made it his mission to create the HOTTEST chilli sauce known to man and, having tasted it, I can honestly say that he achieved that mission and the results nearly killed me.

Nandos, being the clever ous they are, realise there are millions of people like me who don’t like sauce so hot is can strip paint.

Which is why they’ve decided to drop it like it’s not-hot by introducing a new flavour of rad – Tangy Tomato.

So what are we dealing with here? Well, to put it in a simple sentence, we’re talking sun-ripened tomatoes plus a touch of aromatic basil and a splash of balsamic vinegar – WINNING! All nom, and no burn.

Tangy Tomato (http://www.tangytomato.co.za) is the choice for chicken lovers who prefer a less intense Peri-Peri experience without having to endure the customary hand-stands-in-the-shower that follow an intense Peri experience. So, if you can’t stand the heat, get into a Nando’s kitchen.

Why tomatoes? That’s easy; they’re only the most radass fruit on the planet. The Spanish have even dedicated an entire festival to pelting one another with tomatoes, smooshing them in the streets and getting completely out of hand.

 

 

Not sure what’s more awesome – the copious amounts of tomato smooshed everywhere or the Boswill-Wilkie soundtrack.

Good times Winking smile

So anyway, to launch Tangy Tomato Nandos shot this ad which features two of my favourite things – Portuguese people and blowing shit up:

 

 

There you have it. Nine out of nine people love the new Tangy Tomato flavour so go get your Tang on, try it out and lemme know if it blows your mind with awesome.

Have a killer weekend party people Winking smile

-ST

21
Oct
11

The Fatimah Post!

By SlickTiger 4 Comments
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,

WXW_5696So I work with this little badass called Fatimah and guys, this is going to blow your fucking mind, but it’s her birthday today!

Too fucking crazy hey?!? Feels like just the other day we were all celebrating Fatimah’s sweet sixteen, sippin’ on a Creme Soda and rocking out to the Backstreet Boys, and now here we are, ten years later, raging alcoholics listening to Katy Perry.

I’m sorry. I don’t really know where that last sentence came from. Or this post really. All I know is that Fati said if I dedicated this to her she’d pay me double the going rate of R2500 that I usually charge for posts.

So come with me. Hold my hand. Ow, not so tight. Ok, that’s better. Jesus you’re sweaty.

Come with me on a photo journey of a good friend of mine who is also a damn fine pool player, has a winning smile and can actually make me laugh out loud which is rare cause girls (generally) aren’t very funny (except for J-Rab. She wins the awesome sense of humour competition hands down).

Something I think I should just say up front about Fatimah is that she is totally nuts for house music which I told her was utter crap one day, because house music sounds like a fucking dishwasher of endless loops. Then she said that white people need deep lyrics and all that other shit because we don’t like dancing (?).

So yeah, here she is dancing:

 

 

You should also know that while she has a tough-as-nails-take-no-shit-from-nobody exterior, sometimes she is vulnerable and feels afraid.

Like when she’s on busses. She doesn’t like busses.

 

 

But she’s also her own lady y’know? She’s very independent that way, she doesn’t give a fuck about what the masses do or say, they can get bent. Like when everyone decides to be retarded in a picture and point at nothing, she’ll just be like, “Bitch please.”

 

 

She also has an alter ego, but guys, please let’s just keep this a secret between you, me and the entire internet ok? If this shit get’s out there her family will be in danger and shit, ok?

Ok. So she likes to masquerade as B.E.E girl, fighter of corporate injustice and valiant defender of the previously disadvantaged with her trusty sidekick, Blonde Girl.

 

 

And just to prove she’s a bit of a jester from time to time and enjoys a lark, a great big lark in the courtyard of the king to see how he takes it, here’s a picture of Fati. Dressed as a jester.

 

 

And that brings us to the end of the Fatimah post. I hope you think she’s as rad as I do because she really is a total little badass who is also quite a belter and has me in stiches most days.

Happy birthday Fati! Winking smile

Have a killer weekend guys, be safe and remember, when faced with two evils, always go for the one you haven’t tried before.

-ST

14
Oct
11

A Snapshot Of The Future

By SlickTiger Leave a Comment
Categories: Uncategorized
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jannah-scifiI purposefully didn’t write a post on Steve Jobs last week because while I recognise the fact that he’s a visionary and has had a MAJOR impact on the way we interact with technology, I felt I didn’t know enough about him to be able to write something which you wouldn’t have already read 1 000 times.

Then I came across this video of a 1 year old girl playing with an iPad and, after that, trying to use a magazine in the same way and it really made me stop and think about what our lives have become.

We’re plugged in, every day, all the time. We’re permanently connected in some way or other, whether it’s through your cell phone or the nearest 3G tower. We consume VAST amounts of information, very little of which sticks in our already crowded minds.

Awhile back I started reading “The Singularity Is Near” by futurist Ray Kurzweil, where he puts forward the notion that within the next 40 years, technology will become so advanced and move at such a rapid pace that it will “appear to rupture the fabric of human history.” In other words, we will seize control of our own evolution.

 

 

It’s based on the principle of nanotechnology and the theory that eventually we will be able to inject nanobots into our blood streams that will reverse and control aging at a cellular level, speed up our thought processes by doubling the amount of neurons in our brains and basically transform us from biological into nonbiological beings.

If you’re into that shit, you gotta read this interview with Kurzweil that Vice Magazine did, it’ll blow your fucking mind: http://www.vice.com/read/ray-kurzweil-800-v16n4

And when that happens, this blog site will become wired into your DNA and these words I’m writing will echo inside your brain like I’m sitting right close to you, shooting the breeze.

Kinda like it is already Winking smile

But yeah, until that glorious day, here’s the video of the baby that thinks a magazine is an iPad:

 

 

Food for thought right there.

Have a killer weekend, I’ll catch you on Monday for more curazy-pops!

-ST

10
Oct
11

Never Take Star Wars This Seriously

By SlickTiger 2 Comments
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,

star-wars_burlesqueIt’s scary the effect Star Wars has had on us as a species. You could write an entire thesis about the influence Star Wars has had on popular culture but you’ll probably find hundreds of theses like that already exist.

Hats off to George Lucas though. He gave geeks the world over something to obsess over, argue about, dress up as and fantasise about until the end of time.

But I’m sorry, you have to draw the line somewhere. Sure, they were cool movies, but you watch them, enjoy them and get on with your life. You do NOT do any of the things depicted in the images I’m about to show you. Ever.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I think we’ve seen enough here.

-ST

05
Oct
11

How To Be A Functioning Alcoholic On Facebook

By SlickTiger Leave a Comment
Categories: Uncategorized
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Drunk_06Before I even start this post, I feel I need to be straight up with you guys and tell you that all of what you’re about to see is shamelessly ripped off Sad And Useless.

Great. Now that I’ve got that off my chest, let’s dive right in to today’s subject matter, disguising your rampant alcoholism on Facebook, something that I know I for one struggle with.

It’s a known fact that the biggest downside of Facebook is that family and work colleagues can all see just how wizasted you got on the weekend by trawling your pics. Well, I’m here to tell you those days are finally OVER.

All you need is a couple of rudimentary photoshop skills and access to a gigantic database of cat images and you too can disguise your debilitating habit and fool everyone into thinking you’re a swell guy.

Confused about what the fuck I’m getting at? Me too! About time we switched to visuals so I can carry on mainlining vodka…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now you know.

-ST

28
Sep
11

Lets Just Pretend Theres A Post Here

By SlickTiger Leave a Comment
Categories: Uncategorized
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12515Cause I’m tired. Bone-tired. And I honestly don’t have a damn thing to say today that’s worth writing, much less reading.

Actually no, I lie I do have one thing to say. It’s a joke my friend Mark Wahlberg told me.

These two friends go hunting for moose one day and the one says to the other, “Hey, let’s split up!”

So the other one’s like “Ok” and they go their separate ways.

Some time passes and the one friend hears something rustling in the bushes in front of him, so he raises his rifle and gets ready to shoot.

Next thing he knows his buddy jumps out and says, “Wait! Don’t shoot! I’m not a moose!”

BANG! The other buddy pops him off.

 

 

“What the hell did you just do?!” the buddy who got shot says, blood gushing out his neck, “didn’t you hear me say I’m not a moose?!”

“Oh shit!” his friend says, completely shocked.

“I thought you said you were a moose!”

Da-dum.

Tsshh.

-ST

20
Sep
11

World’s funniest Analogies

By SlickTiger Leave a Comment
Categories: Uncategorized
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Analogy - AnalogyDon’t you love it when people (usually your parents) send you the same funny email / video you saw five years ago?

That’s the beauty of the interwebs. The same content gets sent round and round and round endlessly, getting a little less funny each time you see it, as is the case with the “world’s funniest analogies”.

I first read some of these back when I was in highschool which means they’ve been kicking around for AT LEAST a year now, but what the hell.

Some are new so I thought I’d share because I was too busy KLAPPING GYM last night to think up a post to write.

So here, according to the interwebs, are some of the world’s funniest analogies that are supposedly found in actual student’s papers (unlikely):

 

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy
who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at
high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one
of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just
before it throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

 

 

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling
ball wouldn’t.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry
them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at
4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had
also never met.

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East
River.

 

 

Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one
that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law George. But unlike George,
this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating
for a while.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg
behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if
she were a garbage truck backing up

Alright. Back to work everyone. Those McDonalds burgers aren’t going to flip themselves Winking smile

-ST

15
Sep
11

Struggling to Get Fit? Outrun A Zombie!

By SlickTiger 2 Comments
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Photoshop_Jogging_018789_Jogging is shit. No one really wants to put on their little jogging shorts and lace up their R800 jogging shoes and venture out into the world for a jog and anyone that says otherwise is clearly delusional.

Jogging, experts will tell you, was invented to help humans run the fuck away from things that were trying to eat us. It served a clear purpose thousands of years ago but nowadays, unless you’re trying to outrun the police, jogging is a bit naf.

BUT, there’s a new iPhone / iPod Touch / Android app that’s going to change all that. To put it simply, it’s a game you play by running… AWAY FROM FUCKING FLESH EATING ZOMBIES!

That’s right folks, early next year you’ll be able to hit this link and download Zombies, Run! They’re calling it an “ultra-immersive” running game which plays out in your headphones while you’re running.

 

 

The further you go, the more objectives you achieve and the more stuff you collect. Then, when you’re back home you can decide what to do with all your booty as you assign various items you collect (medicine, ammo, batteries, etc.) to different people and parts of your growing base.

You can choose custom playlists to listen to while you’re running and learn more about the “deeper mystery” of the Zombies, Run! world.

The only thing they don’t touch on is what happens if you don’t run fast enough. You can apparently hear zombies at certain points in your run, but do they ever catch up to you? What does zombies eating your brains sound like?

We’ll have to wait for the app to launch to have those burning questions answered, but in the meantime you better hit that treadmill like your life depends on it because jogging is going back to its roots – trying to outrun shit that wants to eat you.

So. Bad. Ass.

-ST

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