You guys might remember awhile back I posted a trailer for the Ghanian movie 2016, which was a mind-blowing combination of horrendous CGI, gratuitous violence and insanely bad acting.
Well, it turns out that the Ghanians have been at it again with B14 1 & 2. If the trailer is anything to go by, this is the same (badly) reheated Hollywood leftovers we’ve come to expect from our Ghanian buddies.
Only this time, they’ve thrown in a healthy dose of Mortal Kombat in the form of a character who looks like a cross between Neo and Scorpion (shout out to Civilian for sending this my way).
It’s like some kind of cultural human centipede – Hollywood consumes human experience, shits it out as movies that are consumed by B-grade directors and producers who shit it out as movies that are consumed by Ghanian producers and directors who shit it out as Beee Fourteen ooooooooonnneeeeee and twoooooooooo!
It takes a special kind of maniac to decide to strike out alone to a place he’s never been, drink with total strangers in the middle of the week and rock out to bands he only discovered a month ago.
Conventional wisdom would say rather stay at home, put the kettle on and watch Friends reruns but there’s only so much Earl Grey and David Schwimmer a man can take before he loses his fucking mind.
Bands In Town (www.bandsintown.com) mailed me to say DZ Deathray were playing at the Boileroom in Guildford, so I got on the nearest train and, like a creepy public masturbator, went to go lurk at the bar alone.
Thing is though, two beers down the line I’d already befriended the bar people and Will the Sound Guy and while I was chatting to them this legend of a man by the name of Chris straight up invited me to join him and his buddies at their table outside.
How fucking friendly is that?! In an instant I changed from “Lone Guy Who Could Be An Axe Murderer†to “Guy At A Bar With Some Mates… Who Could Be An Axe Murdererâ€.
The first band up were Bypolar, a three-piece from Surrey who delivered an impressive performance. Frontman and guitarist Ben Lopez took to their setlist like a loose propeller, tearing through a formidable catalogue of post-grunge / hardcore punk / metal tracks like it was nobody’s business.
The man has a great voice and belts out an impressive gravel-toned roar reminiscent of Shaun Morgan from Seether. Drummer Chris Pattison is no slouch either and, together with bassist Steve Pool, builds a rock-solid rhythm section on top of which Lopez delivers his sucker-punch hooks and face-melting solos.
Here’s a recent video the guys shot for the track “Due†to give you a taste of what Bypolar’s serving up:
They ended their set with an insane cover of “Bullet With Butterfly Wings†which simultaneously blew me away and reminded me of just how many powerchords bands in the 90s used to pack into their songs.
I caught up with Ben after the band played and talked shit with him for awhile. He’s a stand up guy, ended up buying me tequila and shooting the breeze about the band and the scene in London.
After Bypolar finished up I grabbed another beer and talked so much shit with my newfound friends that I missed the second band completely, what a dick.
But there wasn’t a way in fuck I was going to miss DZ Deathray. You have to understand how insane these guys are. Take Death From Above 1979, throw in some Blood Red Shoes and add a heavy dose of sheer originality and explosive energy and you’ve got DZ Deathray.
Here, watch this video for their track “Less Out Of Syncâ€, I’ll let the music speak for itself:
Unfuckingbelievable right?!
To say that DZ Deathray came, saw, and annihilated EVERYTHING would be an understatement. By the second track (which happened to be “Less Out Of Sync†if I remember correctly), a mosh pit had already broken out and guys were losing their fucking minds.
On stage, guitarist and vocalist Shane Parsons wields his axe like a fifth limb, somehow managing to deliver a damn-near perfect performance despite the fact that he’s ricocheting around the stage like a piece of goddamn shrapnel.
Add drummer Simon Ridley’s shotgun-blast bass kicks and tight fills and it’s no wonder the guys in the pit were trying to murder one another.
The guys played an amazing set, building up to my personal favourite, “Gina Works At Heartsâ€.
Good luck getting that hook out. It felt good to lose my shit completely when the guys launched into that track. Dig those lyrics as well “I can’t buy her dead eyes and her wasted smileâ€.
There’s a real depth to DZ Deathray’s songwriting, they can do punch-your-teeth out thrash pop / post-punk just as well as they can do more introspective, shoe-gazing tracks like “Northern Lightsâ€.
I caught up with both Simon and Shane over the course of the night and chatted a bit about their upcoming album launch for Black Rats, their second studio album following their 2012 debut Bloodstreams. Really cool guys, surprisingly chilled considering how manic they are onstage.
Simon’s sister Katie actually directed “Less Out Of Syncâ€, which I was mad impressed by. That is one talented family, no lies.
I know I’ve said it before, but there’s something about this band that resonates deeply inside me. Their songs and videos are incredible, dark and light constantly swirling, caught in an endless tango.
There’s a yearning in their music, a quiet desperation, a caged animal underneath it all gnawing at the bars in the dead of night. I can’t wait to hear their new album because truth is I’m still reeling from the last one.
They released this video a month ago, I watched it in a pub on a sweltering summer day near Waterloo Station. A lot has happened since then, enough that I can empathise with the guy in this video.
Don’t know if you remember the “Karma Police†video, but the end of this reminded me a bit of the end of that video.
Here it is, song’s called “Hunger Of The Pinesâ€:
Take that Monday you fucking fucker.
If I’m going down, I’m taking alla you fuckers with me 😉
I’m living out one of my childhood dreams at the moment and it’s rad. You guys remember Super Mario 3? With the raccoon suit? I LOVED that game when I was a kid but only ever played it on friend’s consoles.
I got pretty far in the game but never finished it because the Golden China console my buddies had at the time was so glitchy if you even nudged it slightly the game literally disintegrated.
I bought a Wii U almost a year ago, during which time I’ve played exactly three games on it – The Cave (average), Super Mario 3D World (brilliant) and yep, you guessed it, Super Mario 3.
They’ve faithfully ported that old classic onto the Wii, you can buy it from the Nintendo eStore for a paltry R60, and yes, it’s just as radass as you remember it.
It’s also pretty interesting to see how many things they introduced in Mario 3 that have stayed with the series ever since. It was a big game changer for the franchise at the time so that’s what I tell J-Rab – I’m not schloomfing on my ass playing crusty old TV games, I’m conducting “historical research†goddamnit!
Playing Mario obsessively also jogged this memory from the Dark Time Of No Blogging I recently went through of a radass video Civilian sent me called “Realistic Marioâ€, check it out:
Hahahaha! LOLZ yo! Having watched and enjoyed that one I dug a little deeper and found some more.
Like this one simply titled “Realistic Mario: Underwaterâ€.
Anyone guess where this is going?
Huh. Quite funny. The fish eating them is a nice touch.
Then there’s “Realistic Mario: Yoshi†in which shit goes fucking bananas:
I liked the wet chewing noises. Classy.
And just in case you were even considering lunch, here’s “Realistic Mario: Koopa Shellsâ€:
Not gonna lie, I think making the Koopa shells do that every time you jumped on them would actually be pretty rad. Satisfying…
But no, that shit is fucked up and wrong – how the hell would you kick the shells into other Koopas if they just caved in like that?!
I’d heard that Nirvana were recently inducted into the Rock ‘n Roll Hall Of Fame, which is a great way to preserve their legacy, but at the same time I couldn’t help but think that Kurt was probably rolling in his grave.
Then I actually watched the half-hour induction ceremony last night and was glad I did because a lot of cool things were said about the band and I learned a few things I didn’t know before.
The band performed four songs at the end with surviving members Dave Grohl, Krist Novoselic and Pat Smear and an array of female vocalists filling in for Kurt, which I think he would have liked.
To be honest though, only Annie Clark from St Vincent actually pulled it off. Her cover of “Lithium†was pretty good and I liked her unassuming manner. Joan Jett did an ok rendition of “Teen Spiritâ€, Kim Gordan from Sonic Youth fucking butchered “Aneurism†(on purpose I think) and Lorde turned “All Apologies†into a funeral dirge.
The highlights for me were the intro video (Kurt looks like SUCH a badass singing “Love Buzzâ€) Michael Stipe’s moving induction which I think he fucking nailed right on the head, Dave and Krist’s acceptance speeches, Kurt’s mom’s short but beautiful speech, the fact that Courtney was definitely trollied (surprise surprise) and Krist’s hat, which I think Kurt would have killed himself laughing at.
Here it is:
Interesting that Krist says “Nirvana didn’t come to the mainstream, the mainstream came to Nirvanaâ€, because it sure as fuck did and when it did it left Kurt feeling used, hollowed out, like he’d somehow lost his integrity, like he’d become exactly what he fucking despised.
He imploded, crushed by the brutal irony of what his life had become. Kurt turned that “nuclear rage and fury†that Stipe referred to back on himself and ate that bitter shotgun shell that ended it all, that severed his ties to the sell-out corporate rock world forever.
How ironic that that same world has now inducted his band into their Hall Of Fame.
Wherever he is, you can rest assured that he watched that ceremony with a huge shit-eating grin on his face because I think the thing about him that I always found the most alluring is that he knew, he fucking knew, that in the end it’s all just one big joke.
“Rather be dead than cool†he once famously said.
Last week (or was it the week before…?) I posted that video about SOLAR FRIKKIN’ ROADWAYS, a pretty genius idea that an engineering couple came up with to replace roads with solar panels.
I wrote about their mission to provide the world with huge amounts of clean energy whilst addressing a whole other stack of environmental issues and ended the post saying I was going to donate $10 to their cause.
At that stage they had raised a total of about $260k of their $1m target and had 11 days left. A week later they were over the $1.5m mark and have extended the donation period by another 20 days – all because of me!
Hahaha, what an asshole. No, it wasn’t all because of me, but I felt proud to have played a part in it because I did donate that $10 in the end and it felt good to get off my lazy ass for a change and actually try and affect change in the world.
Last night I found out about another pretty hectic cause that definitely could use some support and that’s the whole debate about Net Neutrality (or the proposed lack thereof) that’s been raging for over a year now.
I’ve seen it mentioned all over the internet and was dimly aware that it was a Very Bad Thing but never really took the time to dig a little deeper and find out what it’s actually about.
That was before I watched the video below which, though it’s a bit of a longy, is DEFINITELY worth watching if you a) Love the internet and b) You don’t like the idea of paying through your ass in order to surf the sites you love at a speed that won’t make you want to tear your eyes out.
Here, check it:
Yes, ol’ John Oliver gets a little much, but all-in-all I was really glad I watched this video because I realised why I haven’t really cared about this issue – it’s been handled in a painfully boring way so that the fucks we all give stay at an all-time low.
But if you actually stop and think about what this means for our experience of the internet going forward it’s pretty shocking.
I did some more digging to find out how South Africa specifically will be effected because we’re so far away from the epicentre of the internet (ie. the States, Europe and Asia) and found a great article here called “Net Neutrality in Africa†that goes into some detail about how this issue could effect SA.
The long and the short of it is that Africa has never really experienced Net Neutrality in its purest form. Up until 2009, the only internet cable coming into SA was the SAT3 cable which was choked so heavily by local telcos that internet speeds were a total joke compared to other parts of the world.
With the introduction of the Seacom undersea cable, internet speeds started to increase whilst bandwidth prices started to decrease significantly (except for mobile bandwidth, which is still ludicrously expensive).
HOWEVER, though most Internet Service Providers (ISPs) brought “unlimited†data bundle offerings to the table at seemingly competitive prices, these bundles were “shapedâ€. In other words, the internet speeds were being throttled during certain times or after users had downloaded a certain amount of data.
So, in essence, South Africans are no strangers to what it’s like to have our internet slowed down by the powers that be, but still, what the cable companies in America are proposing is a thousand times worse.
It might take some time for the effects to be felt in SA, but when it does happen, the most likely scenario is that local ISPs will start to offer packages where users will pay for their line rental, pay for their monthly bandwidth and then pay extra for high speed access to sites like YouTube, Facebook, etc.
If I understand the issue correctly, it will also mean that smaller sites like your pal Slicky-T will have to one day cough to have their sites loaded onto the high-speed tier or the sites will load like shit and never be able to compete with the big dogs.
Bottom line, I’m hitting up fcc/gov.comments the minute work stops trying to bugger me in the arse and I’m taking a stand.
So tell your friends. Maybe it makes a difference, maybe it doesn’t, but there’s only one way to find out…
Hipsters will hate this post because seriously dude? Alt-J music videos? Dude, these were posted like, two years ago, everyone’s seen these already.
But if you haven’t seen these videos already, and you have a twisted, dark side like your Tiger pal, then these might strike a chord in you. Either that or they will put you off these tracks FOREVER.
“Breezeblocks†I found especially twisted. I always thought of the track as all upbeat and quirky, a love song about how hard it is to let go. Having watched the video and read the lyrics though, I realised I’d got the entire song completely wrong.
“She may contain the urge to run away / But hold her down with soggy clothes and breezeblocksâ€. I can’t hear that line now without getting the chills.
Here’s why:
Then there’s the video for “Something Good†which is just this incredibly shot, tragic, beautiful piece of art that you could watch a thousand times and not get tired of.
In both instances, the contrast between the melodic harmonies of the music and the violent imagery in the videos adds something else to the songs, something that lingers and comes back when you’re lying in the dark, waiting for sleep to come.
There’s something about Alt-J that I keep coming back to over and over again. Something new in their music that you hear when you play it that you might have missed before.
These songs have followed me for well over a year now and I know they will follow me for many years to come and that they will come to perfectly describe a time in my life like no other band will.
That is the power of music. That is why I dig for bands like this and never stop.
Shout out to Ricksaw for enlightening me on this one. And like Jesus dividing the two fish into a bajillion, I shall now enlighten all of you, my favourite humans. But before I get to that, a story.
I originally wrote this post over a month ago, just before I went into hiding, clicked “Publish†and took it for granted that this had gone up onto the site.
For the days and weeks when I wasn’t posting, my only comfort was that this post was my last one, with this song because the original version of this post was badass, and the song badasser.
But it turns out that post about Masters Of Sex was my last one which was an ok post but not really what I’d want to be remembered by if it was my very last.
Just listen to the song. It’s by Mounties. Then you’ll understand.
Look, I don’t need to tell you guys, you ous are on the same waveslength as yuour pel Slicky-T, but crossfit is for serious flippin CHOPHEADS I mean come off it man, what the hell is WRONG with these ous?!
There’s only one way to train and that’s by klapping MONSTER weights, chowing enough protein to make your kidneys flippin EXPLODE and injecting FATAL DOSES of roids boet!
All this flippin squat, pull-up, flippin moff crossfit stuffs is for ous who don’t have the flippin’ BALLS to eat weights, put there bodies on the line EVERYDAY and have FULL-ON heart attacks by the time they reach their mid-40s.
So ja. These videos gave me a lag. Flippin chopheads…
Bad Lip Reading just gets better and better. It’s definitely one of those internet memes I wish I’d posted sooner because as a blogger, you want to be known as THE guy who posts certain videos.
If I’d become THE guy who posts Bad Lip Reading videos, imagine how insanely popular this site would be, shoo-wee! Traffic would come pouring in like mana from heaven.
It’s all good though. At the end of the day, all that matters are the LOLZ and this video will give you lots of them. It’s the Bad Lip Reading of American Idol, and holy sheeit if the actual show was like this, I would watch EVERY EPISODE.
I’m crying. The people that do these videos are evil geniuses.
You guys might remember awhile back I posted a trailer for the Ghanian movie 2016, which was a mind-blowing combination of horrendous CGI, gratuitous violence and insanely bad acting.
