Archive for the 'Killer Posts' Category



12
Dec
11

Foy Vance Conquers &Union

13597aThe true merit of any musician is not measured in a recording studio, it is measured from the minute they step onstage until the minute they step off.

As a performer it can be intensely nerve wracking, especially if you’re going up there alone in front of a crowd a hundred thousand miles from home that knows you for one or two songs if you’re lucky.

But if Irish singer / songwriter Foy Vance was nervous before he went onstage at &Union in Cape Town last Friday night to deliver one of the best performances I’ve heard this year, he sure as hell didn’t show it.

From the first few chords of the gospel / blues anthem “I Got Love” to the audience singing the chorous of the soulful acoustic ballad “Guiding Light” over and over, long after Foy himself had stopped playing, his performance was nothing short of inspirational.

It was interesting to note that, over the course of the evening, everyone I spoke to about his set professed to not only know exactly who he is, but were also proud to say they owned at least one or two of his albums.

 

 

Whether this was true or not I’ll never know, but either way it shows that his music struck a chord with the audience gathered at &Union on Friday, though to be honest I could have guessed that just by watching their reaction to his set.

His set was split down the middle between his own material and his favourite covers which included the Paul Simon track “You Can Call Me Al”, one of my favourite Hendrix songs of all time “Crosstown Traffic”, the Michael Jackson classic “Billy Jean”, the most soulful rendition of Tracy Chapman’s “Fast Car” I’ve ever heard and even a cover of the long lost Joan Osborne song “What If God Was One Of Us?”

But for me, the highlight of his set was hearing him play “Hold Me In Your Arms” which, I found out later is one of his original songs. There’s something in the stark honesty of that song, the way it builds slowly to it’s howling, heartfelt climax that tears me up every time I hear it and Friday night was no exception.

Looking around at the sea of happy faces laughing at his jokes, clapping and singing along to his songs and demanding he go back onstage for an encore that ended up lasting another 40 minutes, I couldn’t help but feel like for that brief moment, everything was right in the world.

The wind whipped through the trees on either side of Foy as he played and his voice rang out through the streets for a five block radius from Hout Street to Wale and Loop Street to Buitengracht. The mic was his pulpit and we were his choir, the holy spirit blowing all around us while we danced and drank and celebrated being ALIVE brother!

 

 

After Foy finished up at &Union, we jumped in the car and hit the Shack to shoot the breeze and play some pool (he kicked my ass 2 games to 1, but we teamed up to play some challengers and mopped the floor with them).

I got to know the man a little better over a couple of rounds of drinks and can honestly say his talent is outweighed only by his humility and his soulfulness by his quick wit, which is sharp as a tack and had us laughing until the early hours of the morning.

It’s no surprise to me that his songs have continued to ring out inside my head from after I shook his hand and bade him farewell sometime around 3 on Saturday morning right up until now as I struggle to put the experience of meeting him and watching him play into words.

Suffice to say, Foy taught me something I consider extremely valuable, that what I previously thought was gospel – that the true merit of a musician is measured from the minute he steps onstage until the minute he steps off – isn’t actually true.

The true merit of a musician extends far beyond his performance. If the man himself doesn’t weigh up to the man onstage, his authenticity of both his character and his music becomes compromised.

Foy is a great musician because he is a great person. The two go hand in hand, and I only hope that his career continues to grow from strength to strength in the coming years and that sometime in the future, at a nameless bar on a nameless night, our paths may cross again.

 

 

-ST

28
Nov
11

Synergy 2011 FUll Event Review

Synergy CrowdWhat can I possibly write that could ever do justice to the fucking awesome time I had at Synergy this past weekend?

After building it up in my head to be this epic event that was going to change my life forever, I was pretty sure the actual experience would never live up to that, but after a bit of a rocky start, everything came together in the best possible way and we had a truly epic weekend.

The Good…

I actually started writing a full, blow-by-blow account of the entire weekend, but after I got to 2000 words I realised I need to keep this punchy.

So instead, here are some bullet points on what was awesome about the festival:

  • Boschendal is STUNNING! Surrounded by majestic mountain peaks and flanked on the one side by a river perfect for dipping your toes in or, further down, jumping in for a swim, the whole area is really beautiful and perfect for a festival

 

  • The organisation is pretty damned sick. At festivals you expect to spend a fair amount of time queuing for food and booze and holding your breath as you walk into porta-loos that look like hell, but Synergy was really well organised that way. Every toilet I went into was actually spotless, even right at the end and the food stalls were plenty and not too expensive either

 

  • TAXI VIOLENCE! These guys put on the best fucking show I’ve seen them play EVER! It was fucking electrifying, the crowd was loving every second of it and George and the guys were giving it their all. Great job, you blew everyone the fuck away!

 

 

 

  • LMG STAGE – a great place to discover new talent. These are the bands that will one day be tearing it up on the mainstage, no doubt. We caught snatches of bands playing here, but to be honest were too busy missioning around to remember who any of them were. DEFINITELY should have spent more time there, big fail on my part

 

  • The rides! We never went on them, but DAMN they looked like fun!

 

 

  • The river! On Saturday morning we went down to the river and spent a long time sitting or rocks slowly getting drunker, talking shit and splashing around in the river. This is what festivals are about, getting away from it all and doing something as simple as sitting with your feet in a river, not giving a shit about anything

 

  • The sun cream girls! Spraying everyone that needed sun cream with sun cream. VERY cool idea, a nice touch to make sure people didn’t get fried in their own natural juices

 

 

  • Our gazebo. This, more than anything, is a festival essential if you’re going with a big group of people. The gazebo united us. It provided much needed shade when the day started getting baking hot and it was the perfect thing to lie under and drink cold Bloody Marys all afternoon

 

 

  • Playing the messiest game of Kings ever! You know it’s a good one when the cards end up all over the camp site once the game has disintegrated into random shouting, laughter and drunken chants of “Down it!” All thanks to the genius “every time someone pulls a black card, everyone drinks” rule. That’s a recipe for awesome right there…

 

  • THE COMEDY TENT! Who goes to a music festival to listen to comedy, right? What a total waste of time, right? WRONG MUTHUFUKKAHS! On Saturday night we wandered randomly into the comedy tent and caught Dylan Skews’ set (who also happens to be a friend of ours) and basically spent the next hour crying with laughter. I’ve known Dylan for a couple of years through friends of ours, but never heard his stuff – it was the funniest comedy I’ve seen in YEARS. Great job man, J-Rab and I love your work

 

  • JAX PANIK! Possibly the biggest crowd I saw at the main stage all weekend – not really the kind of music I go for, but they were fucking AMAZING! The crowd went crazy for them and they delivered the goods. Definitely watch out for this band, they put on a great live show, one of those moments that makes you proud to be South African

 

 

  • ISOCHRONOUS! Ok, anyone who was at the festival is probably starting to pick up a general trend here – yes, we basically missed all the bands on the opening night except Taxi Violence (a lot of tequila happened. I blame you Ebz, I blame you… Joking! We had a badass time, sorry we missed you the rest of the festival!). But we caught Isochronous, who have a strong Muse-flavour to their material, and are face-meltingly awesome to watch live

 

  • Morning bacon and egg rolls for R15! That’s all we need to say about that one

 

  • VIP bracelets – thank you to the festival organisers for hooking J-Rab and I up with these, we put them to good use on Saturday night when, on a random mission to arrange a photo pass, we headed backstage to the production office and ended up…

 

  • MEETING BLACK REBEL MOTORCYCLE CLUB! Well, actually we didn’t really meet them so much as round a corner and find them sitting literally five feet from us being interviewed by MK89. For this BRMC-obsessed fan, it was fucking surreal to see the band so close, but we were asked to please leave by the band’s manager, not in a shitty way, in fact they even listened to me gush for 15 minutes about how amazing I think they are even though they’ve probably heard it a million times before. It was a perfect moment seeing them so close in this quiet, random corner of the festival and one I won’t soon forget

The Bad…

Of course, it can’t be all sunshine and lollypops, there are a few bad points about the festival that I feel I need to mention, namely:

 

  • The fact that I had to wait for over 2 HOURS for those aforementioned VIP passes! Thank God I managed to win a ticket to the festival through Bangers & Nash or I never would have gotten inside to find the festival organisers in the first place. It was a kak way to start the festival, but things were chaotic for the organisers so I understand, but still, 2 HOURS waiting alone under the Synergy arch?! That was painful

 

  • The nights. They were FREEZING cold! Friday especially – you could see your fucking breath it was so bad. J-Rab was practically crying she was so cold. Next year we’re taking backup blankets, that’s for DAMN SURE!

 

 

  • The drunken douchebags camping near us. Who, at 6 in the morning, think it’s cool to shout “Show us your pussy!” to the girls walking past their camp site. Don’t be a “show us your pussy” kind of guy, no one likes guys like that, especially not at 6 in the morning

 

  • The Redbull Stage. Not that the music was bad, the music was pretty sick for the most part, but the people listening to it, phwoar! Ease up on the MDMA guys, you look like a bunch of Gummi Bears bouncing here and there and everywhere, high adventures beyond compare…

 

  • The trek from the parking to the campsite. I guess this is to be expected at festivals, but you had to lug your shit for a good 20 mins before you hit the campsite and then at least another 10 before you found a spot to camp

 

  • This is a bit of a sad one, but after all that hype, after building it up for so long, it pains me to say that one of the bad things for the festival for me was Black Rebel Motorcycle Club. We fought our way right up to the stage, about 5 metres from the band and stayed there, basically in the mosh pit for the next hour before finally leaving before the band had even finished playing.

 

I mean, they NAILED some of the songs – “Conscience Killer” was INTENSE! They banged it out full of sound and fury, “Ain’t No Easy Way” was also fucking brilliant, as was “Six Barrel Shotgun”, but to be perfectly frank, for the most part the band looked a bit bored.

Leah (the drummer) came alive for one song maybe, the rest of the time she stared ahead with the same blank expression on her face, Peter (singer, guitarist) played like a fucking MACHINE, tearing his fretboard to pieces and banging out some seriously badass bluesy rock, but was also expressionless throughout.

Robert (singer, bassist) was the most animated of the three – he has this cool way of playing his base guitar like he’s aiming a rifle and MAN can he play that bass. He also swapped it out for a normal six string a couple of times, he’s a fucking talented musician.

 

 

In fact, they all are. You cannot fault them on that point and I will always, always love BRMC, but I just feel like their performance was missing something. I’m stoked I got to see them live and like I said, I loved a lot of songs they played, but they fluffed a few tracks too, which was a bit sad.

 

The Ugly…

And then there are the moments you kinda wish you hadn’t ever seen, like when…

  • It was 5pm on the OPENING DAY OF THE FESTIVAL, and I watched a girl falling all over the place, drunk as a mineworker and splashing white wine everywhere while her buddy tried to walk her back to her tent

 

  • One of the drunken douches camping next to us passed out at 6pm on Saturday night with his head out his tent so he could have a nice, hearty chunder while J-Rab and I were eating our sammiches not 10 feet away from him. Yummy.

 

  • On Saturday night, a guy ran straight into a car. It was actually hilarious. There was one solitary white polo parked off to the side the main stage, you couldn’t miss it, but this genius ran right into it, BANG! Hahahaha!

 

The Amazing…

I don’t want to end this on a shitty note, so let me sum up by first thanking everyone who made our festival experience possible, Tchavdar and the crew at Synergy Live, New Sound Artist Management and of course Mr Dan Nash.

Our plan came together in the best possible way and we had a fucking amazing time!

 

 

Sure, I didn’t catch half the bands I wanted to see, but there will always be time to watch them play in and get the interviews I want to sometime in the future.

The bands were amazing, the organisation was top notch, the good times kept rolling and the shower and nap we had after we got back home yesterday was fucking glorious!

You bet your ass we’ll be at Synergy 2012 and so will you guys because it’s a brilliant festival.

Here’s to an amazing weekend of sick bands, sunshine and good times Winking smile

-ST

26
Oct
11

SlickTigers Movie Debut

IMG01469-20110813-0434A couple weeks back I posted this super cryptic post about the barbaric practise of “bear baiting” which used to take place in London in the 16th and 17th centuries in a place called the Beargarden.

Well, this Saturday we’re bringing the Beargarden back in the form of a short horror movie featuring your buddy ol’ pal Slicky-T.

So what I’m gonna do is show you the trailer for said horror movie.

But before you get all tetchy, lemme diffuse that little time-bomb by saying YES, I realise I’m basically not in the trailer at all, but I assure you I am in the actual movie.

 

 

Spooky, nè? Ja, this movie’s gonna make you okes KAK your broeke!

Actually, I have no idea what it’s gonna make you okes do as I haven’t seen the final version. The  writer / director / producer didn’t want any of us to see the final version until it’s on the big screen.

So here’s the dealy-o if you wanna come watch your Tiger-friend acting like a crazed, blood-soaked fucking maniac:

Date: Saturday 29 October
Time: 18h00 (starts at 18h15)
Place: Labia Theatre (68 Orange Street, Gardens, Cape Town, ZA)
Cost: Tickets are R30 each

They’re gonna be showing a shite-load of short horror movies that indie writers and directors from USA, Spain, Brazil, Finland, France and South Africa have shot. Each film is about 5 – 10 mins, so it should be pretty fucking wild.

Afterwards we’re going to celebrate my acting debut by getting completely out of hand probably somewhere on Long Street where I’ll be signing autographed pictures of my victims:

 

 

 

See you crazy cats there!

-ST

17
Oct
11

Real Life Superheroes – What. The. Fuck?

r-REAL-LIFE-SUPER-HERO-large570In a world where superheroes dominate the mass media, it was just a matter of time before ordinary citizens started wearing geeky costumes and walking the streets “fighting crime”.

Actually wait, lemme rephrase that. In America, it was just a matter of time before ordinary citizens started wearing dorky costumer and walking the streets fighting crime.

If you tried that here in South Africa, the bad guys would kill you three times over for that shit. Once for interfering, twice for dressing up like a wanker and the third time because they’d be laughing so hard the first two times, they’d need a third try to get it right.

But in America, according to an article I read on www.reallifesuperheroes.org, there are roughly 200 real-life superheroes patrolling America’s streets, looking like tools and seemingly doing very little except indulging their geeky fantasies, picking up trash and handing out sandwiches to the homeless.

And then there are the Rain City Superheroes, who’ve been getting considerable media attention since their leader, a caped crusader (seriously, I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried) called Phoenix Jones made headlines in January this year when he was trying to break up a fight and got kicked in the face while a guy held a gun to his head.

Here’s the news report that did the rounds earlier this year:

 

 

After watching that report when it broke I had a quiet chuckle to myself and carried on with my life, convinced that they next report I’d pick up would either be “Phoenix Jones calls it quits after getting his ass handed to him… again” or “Phoenix Jones stabbed to death by crackheads” and that would be that.

But no, this guy is still out there. Only now he’s landed in a spot of trouble after dousing four people outside a nightclub with pepper spray because he thought they were trying to rough each other up.

According to the police report however, the partygoers were just walking to their car “dancing and having a good time”, as you do. I mean Christ, if I got maced every time I’d had one too many and was dancing around like a drunk asshole, I’d be blind as a mole and my sinuses would have been utterly destroyed by the time I was 19.

But wait, it gets better.

At his hearing, Phoenix Jones dramatically unmasked himself and revealed his true identity as a black dude with the most EPIC afro I’ve seen this side of the early 90s, check it out:

 

 

What a fucking clown. And if that isn’t enough to convince you of the fact that this guy might just be the biggest joke walking the streets of Seattle, you HAVE to read this account of a journalist who followed Phoenix Jones around for a couple of days recently.

It’s a seriously long article, but totally worth it just for the parts about what these “superheroes” actually do, which seems to be a whole lot of nothing.

Apparently this all started back in the 1980s with a guy who calls himself “Master Legend” and believes he has super healing, super speed, was born “wearing a purple veil” and has died three times. Oh, and he also drinks like a bergie, which basically explains everything.

Here’s a video of the guy I dug up for your viewing pleasure. What. A. Chop.

 

 

It’s like Kickass happening in real life, only you’d have to be delusional to think what these people are doing is going to end well.

In South Africa, where crime isn’t something that happens on the news every night, but rather something that happens to our friends, our close family and ourselves, the thought of getting dressed up in spandex and walking the streets, preventing “crime” by asking people nicely to do what you say or you’ll just stand there (seriously, that’s how Phoenix Jones and his crew stopped some dealers from selling on a street corner) is embarrassingly naive.

Sure, I’m all for being vigilant, reporting crime the second you see it and on the extremely rare occasion when the situation calls for it and you know what you’re doing, stepping in and preventing something bad from happening, but walking around dressed like these guys is like painting a gigantic target on your chest and playing “dodge the bullet” at a shooting range.

Mark my words, something very bad will happen to one of these retards sooner or later, but until then, here are some hilarious pictures of them to brighten up your Monday:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve said it before, but I think it bears repeating: humankind has never, ever been this bored.

EVER.

-ST

06
Oct
11

The Irony Of Esterhuysen

765719829It’s been over a week since Mark Esterhuysen, a former newsreader for 702’s Eyewitness News, released the Hiroshima equivalent of F-bombs during a live news broadcast at 1am on a random Tuesday and catapulted himself to instant internet fame.

In case you missed it, here’s a transcription of what he said, verbatim, right before they cut to a convenient ad break:

Good morning. I’m Mark Esterhuysen. Fuck racism, fuck the pigs who killed Andries Tatane, fuck the AWB, fuck racism. We are all wild animals here, meant to live free. Fuck capitalism, fuck fascism. Fuck this fucking wage slavery graveyard shit. Fuck domestication, fuck Julius Malema, fuck the state. Fuck perpetual economic growth on a finite planet. This is the only fucking planet we have…”

Right after that he proceeded to direct anyone who disagreed with him to his Twitter profile, Facebook page and blog http://markesterhuysen.blogspot.com/.

Can you believe the balls on this guy?! Hahahaha! What a legend! Here’s the original:

 

 

Naturally the first thing I did was to try and find out if anyone at work had hit the guy’s site so I could get the address (I kept misspelling “Esterhuysen”) and was told in no uncertain terms that this guy is COOKED!

FUCK YEAH! I thought. I love crazies!

 

 

But reading his site I soon realised that the poor guy isn’t crazy at all. Misguided, maybe, but outright shit-your-pants-mad? I don’t think so.

His site consists of about 10 posts, at least 5 of which are long, sprawling diatribes about his dissatisfaction with modern civilisation and this desperate need he feels deep down to get as far away from it as humanly possible.

I’d be lying outright if I said I’ve never thought that. In fact, for a long time when I was younger I entertained the idea of falling off the grid completely. Finding some remote desert island somewhere and living out the rest of my days spear fishing, climbing coconut trees and living in an A-frame hut on the beach.

Esterhuysen’s need to get the hell away from it all was calcified by an article he read on the Men’s Health website that was posted in October last year which, to be perfectly frank, stated some pretty obvious facts about how being exposed to the great outdoors is one of the best ways to sharpen the mind and senses and how modern society has all but cut us off from nature completely, to our detriment.

 

 

In fact, all of Esterhuysen’s posts seem to be pretty obvious at face value. Civilisation is tyrannical, agriculture is the root of all human evil, the abhorrent ecocide we are committing on a daily basis isn’t receiving the level of attention it should be, the sooner we go back to the Stone Age way of life, the better.

They’re all arguments I used to believe fervently. It’s a FACT that we are, by all definitions of the word, insane. All of us. Every living person on this planet, because we are systematically destroying the very thing upon which we rely for our existence as a species.

So the guy took a stand for what he believed in. He used the medium of commercial radio to stick it to the man in a 25th Hour inspired tirade, such was the strength of his convictions.

But here’s the kicker – what did his passionate outburst result in?

One Time Airlines recording an Esterhuysen-inspired ad that rips off his F-bombing and turns his entire outcry into a big fucking joke so that they can sell more flights.

 

 

Let’s just pause and reflect on the irony of that.

A guy who is so concerned with the way we’re destroying the planet voices his vehemence on radio only to be made fun of by an airline so that they can sell more flights, burn more jet fuel and stamp their carbon footprint firmly on the face of our planet.

 

 

Esterhuysen may be an ideological fool, but I admire what he did, and if that makes me an ideological fool as well, then so be it.

This weekend, J-Rab and I are going to (finally!) sign up with a recycling service in an effort to try and make some positive change. Sure, it won’t stop cars from driving or planes from flying or BP from fouling up our oceans, but it will make a difference, even if it’s a tiny one.

My old man goes to church on Sundays, which I found pretty bizarre when he first started going because he’s never been religious at all, but he never spoke about it or got all weird and preachy so I just let it be.

After returning one Sunday, he left a pamphlet on the entrance hall table that told the following story:

Two friends were walking along a beach one afternoon when they noticed that the spring tide had washed hundreds of starfish up onto the beach that were drying out in the sun and dying.

As they walked, the one friend randomly picked up starfish and threw them back into the sea.

 

 

Irritated with the futility of this gesture, the other friend eventually snaps.

“There must be a thousand starfish on this beach! Would you just give it a rest, you’re not making a difference!”

To which his buddy simply picks up another starfish, throws it into the sea and says, “I made a difference to that one.”

Mark Esterhuysen might have become the butt of everyone’s jokes, but at least he’s trying to make a difference in some way.

Which is a damn side more than I can say for me.

-ST

26
Sep
11

SlickTiger Revolutionises Braai Day

All-in-one-Braai-PackDon’t get me wrong, I love a good braai just as much as the next South African. What better way to spend a sunny day than with good friends, cold beers and the mouth-watering aroma of delicious animals sizzling above a blanket of red hot coals.

It’s ingrained in our DNA. It’s as natural to South Africans as making chocolate is to the Swiss or being snooty pricks is to the French.

However, as a concerned global citizen I think we should pause for a minute and consider whether making EVERYONE IN THE COUNTRY BRAAI AT THE SAME TIME is really that smart.

Think about the countless thousands of kilos of wood and fossil fuels that were consumed this past weekend. Imagine all the forests that were cut down to satiate the burning desire that National Braai Day has created in South Africans of every creed and colour to braai the shit out of everything from mielies to mutton.

Which brings me neatly to my next point – the meat. Anyone read any statistics of how much meat was actually consumed this weekend? I shudder to think about the kilometres of boerie and tons of sosaties crammed into the mouths of Saffers in a desperate attempt to feel some kind of kinship with one another that doesn’t involve cheering for people who run around fields kicking / hitting different shaped balls.

 

 

Those animals had FAMILIES! They had amazing, bright futures ahead of them until we ground them up with their parents and children to make nice fat coils of Grabouw Farm Style boerie – buy in bulk and save!

Not to mention all the grain those animals had to be fed, all the millions of Rands spent pumping them full of vaccines, growth hormones and god knows what else to ensure that they don’t die until we decide they’re good and ready, and when that moment comes, they are the Incredible Hulks of the animal kingdom.

Day to day this shit doesn’t bother me, but it’s when we encourage EVERYONE TO DO IT AT THE SAME TIME that I start to wonder whether this is the brightest idea…

 

 

And so J-Rab and I came up with an ingenious alternative to Braai Day that I will be actively encouraging everyone to get involved in next year because you’d be a fucking retard not to.

It’s called NAAI DAY.

It involves literally waking up in the morning and dedicating an entire day to naaing.

Of course, the big aim of Naai Day will be to promote safe sex, which is why I’ll be approaching every condom manufacturer known to man to sponsor this nation wide campaign, because let’s be honest, as fun as braaing is, it will never beat spending the entire day naaing.

Naysayers will come at me with torches and pitchforks saying how irresponsible it is to promote an entire day devoted to banging in a country where AIDS is rife, family planning is non-existent and rape is a major issue, but I’ll say “be cool daddy-o” to all those naysayers because educating people about those things and creating awareness around those contentious issues is what Naai Day is ALL ABOUT.

 

 

Plus, it’s the perfect way to celebrate our heritage! We wouldn’t fucking exist if it weren’t for naaing so why not celebrate that fact by spending some real quality time with the one you love, making love.

I’m serious here guys. I just think that Braai Day is an unsustainable idea and one that, if it’s allowed to continue to grow year by year, is going to melt the polar ice caps, kill of entire plant and animal species and lead to us bankrupting the world’s natural resources to the point where all that will be left of the world by the time our grandkids are born is a barren wasteland of rusted Webers and broken braai tongs.

Compare that with a day spent enjoying the fun of safe, consensual, mind-blowingly amazing sex again and again and again and it’s a no-brainer guys, really.

 

 

So who’s with me here! Together we can make Naai Day a reality and save the world by doing what our ancestors and our ancestor’s ancestors have been doing since the dawn of mankind.

Fucking like our lives depend on it.

Amen.

-ST

22
Sep
11

A Camera Lens That Can See Into The FUTURE

sigmalens_miniAmazon user reviews are the SHIZ! I mean, it doesn’t happen all the time, but once in awhile the people who trawl Amazon find a product so ridiculous it’s practically BEGGING for people to take the piss.

Enter the $26 000 35-pound giant green Sigma 200-500mm camera lens (thanks Tim!). A lens so huge it can instantly turn you into a giant douche the second you fit it onto your camera.

More hilarious than the lens itself are the reviews “users” wrote on Amazon, some of which I’ve included below to brighten up your Thursday, KAPOW! (Shamelessly stolen from PetaPixel).

 

 

Almost better than my $150 55-500mm Point and Shoot!

Good deal from Amazon. I was actually just surfing around looking for a replacement point and shoot camera when I happily stumbled upon the sigma zoom lens. When I saw that it was $38,000 I knew I had to have it. But then I saw that it was on sale for only $24,000. Oh Joy. I ordered two of them. For only 20 grand more, I now have two 100 pound lenses. They fit nicely on my old $50 Pentax SLR.

I tried this lens while shooting birds at Yosemite but the park ranger called the SWAT team on me because he thought I was trying to bazooka the wildlife. End of trip.

I needed a crowd photo for my art director but four cop cars drew down on me because they thought I was trying to fire a missile at pedestrians. End of shooting session.

I finally was able to use this lens to break down the front door to my home because I locked myself out the other day. It broke the door down nicely but unfortunately, the lens shattered in the process. It’s a good thing that I purchased two of these.

In short, if you are looking to pay over 100 times more for a telephoto zoom lens instead of a point and shoot zoom camera for a little under $200, this is absolutely a steal at $24K because you’re saving $10K on the purchase. Oh, did I mention it’s free shipping on this item?

The downside is that I can’t keep this lens in the house because it scares my children and pets. But so be it, I love this lens

 

 

The “Big Bang” Looks Beautiful From Here

I purchased this lens with the intent to look back in space-time and see the Big Bang unfold first hand. I must say it was a little difficult to find the correct line of visibility within the Hubble Deep Field, but after a few precision adjustments, I was finally looking at the origins of our universe. Seriously Awesome!

I don’t want to spoil it for you, but you CAN make out God quite nicely while he’s assembling the fundamental forces of physics. Teaser: He’s NOT a white dude with a beard!

 

 

Pro fotog

This is a great lens. Have had it for 2 weeks now. Mostly use it in macro mode in my search for the Higgs boson. But when not using for subatomic particle work, I use for weddings. One client was getting married a few hundred miles away. Of course I didn’t need to fly in for the wedding…thank you Sigma. Yes, this lens has its drawbacks, we all know about them – yes you are actually focusing on things that potentially happened long ago – get over it. With low CA and a flat field of view – I can live with the drawbacks.

One note: my copy FF a little when inside the earth-moon radius, and I don’t have AF micro adjust on my rebel xt. Sent in to Sigma for adjustment and came back fine. Even with all the trouble, still great upgrade from my kit lens.

As you were Winking smile

-ST

19
Sep
11

Baking Becomes Evil

bld141867You say “baking” and I think of a plump, grandmotherly woman in a pink frilly apron working a rolling pin whilst humming happily to herself in the afternoon sun.

Well, that’s what I used to think when you said “baking”. NOW, thanks to the wonder of the internet, when you say “baking” I break out into cold sweats, my eyes darting nervously around the room to see if somehow, somewhere one of the nightmarish creations I’m about to show you could be lurking in the shadows.

So brace yourselves for this one. It ain’t for the faint-hearted. What you’re about to see is the product of a depraved mind, much like this site actually Winking smile

Exhibit A is the work of Oakland-based artist Scott Hove, who created the following pieces as part of an upcoming show in San Francisco called “Your Deadly Desserts”.

“Deadly” definitely being the operative word in that last sentence…

 

 

 

 

 

Now that we’ve got the tame stuff out the way, let’s clear the stage and let the fucking THAI show us how to really crank it up a notch on the weird-shit-o-meter.

Kittiwat Unarrom is a humble baker who spends his days toiling happily in his bakery creating baked goods that look exactly like human body parts.

What. The. Fuck.

 

 

 

 

If you can handle more of that, here’s a fucking creepy video with no subtitles or narration that takes you on a tour of this freak show’s bakery. Apparently these pics are old (circa 2005) so this place may or may not still exist, BUT there’s a Thai tour company that still offers visits there.

 

 

Feeling hungry anyone?

-ST

11
Aug
11

What the Emoticons You Use Say About Your Mental Health

406268It must have been a truly epic, universe-changing moment the first time man sat down to write something and after accidentally placing a colon next to a closed bracket, realised he’d just made a smiley.

“Hey guys! Guys! You gotta see what just happened!”

“What, what did you do? Cure cancer? Discover a cure for AIDS? Become immortal? TELL US!”

“Something way, way better than all those things. Check it out…”

🙂

“Woooaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh… That’s… that’s fucking AWESOME MAN! It’s like, now when I’m happy, I don’t need to write ‘I’m happy’ I can just use that convenient arrangement of punctuation, hooray!”

And so on, and so on.

Of course once emoticons started being used (which Wikipedia tells me was sometime around 1982), teenage girls the world over took things to a whole other level and before we knew what hit us, there were literally hundreds of the fucking things smiling, winking, crying and frowning their way across cyberspace at us like a yellow circus of over-emotional disembodied heads.

 

 

And yet, as with most things in life, when faced with so many choices as to how to express oneself through the use of these clever little icons, most people defaulted to only using one, two at the most, over and over and over again.

So here’s a summary of your current state of mental health according to the emoticons you use the most often based on extensive scientific research by SlickTiger Industries. Dig it.

 

Smile The Regular Smiley

Emotionally bankrupt. By far the most common of the whole bunch, people who use regular smileys are uninspired, emotionally distant, bored and boring. Don’t be fooled into thinking they are happy. These people need industrial strength anti-depressants to feel anything close to happiness.

 

 

Open-mouthed smile The SUPER SMILEY

Psychopath. People who use the SUPER SMILEY are hiding something. No one is that happy, it’s just not humanly possible. There’s a good chance this person has just murdered someone in cold blood and fed their remains to pigs. Never go to a cabin in the woods alone with the SUPER SMILEY person, and if you do, you better make sure it puts the lotion on its skin…

 

 

Winking smile The Winky Face

Paedophile. Either that or deranged sexual predator. Even the name “winky face” immediately conjures mental images of the old dude in the brown duster that used to hang around our pre-school with a bag of candy and a grin that would make Freddy Kruger run crying to his mom. The Winky Face says “I collect restraining orders”. Unless you ever had a burning desire to have your face printed on a milk carton, run far, far away.

 

 

Surprised smile The Shocked Smiley

Closet nymphomaniac. The whole acting shocked thing is all a big lie – this is the internet fer chrissake! NOBODY gets shocked anymore. If you’re blind dating a girl who sends this emoticon at any stage during your correspondence, you can bet money she’ll put out on the first date. If a guy uses this, I got bad news ladies, he’s a flaming homosexual.

 

 

Smile with tongue out Pulling Tongue Smiley

Junkie. Pulling Tongue Smiley users are strung out on drugs and have been for quite some time now. The pulling tongue smiley is commonly interpreted as being fun or cheeky, but don’t be fooled. This person does boatloads of drugs, and not the good variety. We’re talking about the kinda guy that huffs glue and paint fixative to wake up in the morning and then klaps a button of Mandrax mixed with BB tabacco in a hollowed out koki for breakfast. This person WILL steal your stereo at some stage or another, that’s a given.

 

 

Sad smile Sad Face

Emotional blackmailer. People whip these bad boys out when they want to lay the guilt on nice and thick. “Wen u comin home? :-(“ or “Missd u @ church y/day :-(“ are common examples of how this emoticon is used to dial the guilt right up to the “1000 hail Marys” mark. People don’t use these when they’re sad. They use them when they want to make YOU sad. Don’t play those petty games, tell them to man up and get off the fucking cross. The world has enough martyrs.

 

 

Crying face Crying Face

Suicidal. But not the “I’m going to eat a bullet” kind of suicidal, more like the “I’m going to go put my head in the oven now” kind of suicidal. These people cut themselves with pencil sharpener blades and then blame it on their non-existent cats. They listen to Anthony And The Johnsons and read to old people and secretly pray they’ll never live that long.

 

 

Disappointed smile Nothing Face

Sociopath. Probably the most obvious of the whole bunch. On the outside this person is a respected investment banker, but behind closed doors he chops people up with an axe whilst humming Huey Lewis And The News songs.

 

 

So there you have it boys and girls, all the most common smileys and the associated mental disorders of their frequent users summed up based on decades of extensive research.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I gotta go pick up a random hitch hiker and take him / her through to this great little cabin I found in Elgin, super stoked Open-mouthed smile

-ST

09
Aug
11

A Post From SlickTiger To The Women Of SA

Decker1We’re going to keep today’s post nice and quick because it’s a beautiful day in Cape Town today and I’d rather be out spoiling my woman somewhere where we can soak up the sun and sip a cocktail or ten.

Today is about celebrating women for the beautiful and crazy creatures they are because even though they might drive us completely insane from time to time and are basically nearly impossible to figure out, the love of a good woman can save even the most wretched of souls.

And besides that, if you had to take women out of the equation completely and just fill the world with men I think it would very closely resemble hell.

We’d probably fill our time with war, death, torture, fighting, killing, maiming, destroying, obliterating, eviscerating and sodomy. More sodomy than you could shake a rubber ball gag at – does that sound like fun to you?

 

 

Fuck no. So the next time your girlfriend busts your balls because you’re left the dishes for three days or you spend too much time getting rat faced with your buddies than you do hanging out with her buying shoes, just keep that thought in mind.

Girls bring balance to the force. Life without them would be fucking miserable.

So thank you girls, all of you out there (and especially the ones who read this site. You are a rare breed and a continual reminder that not all girls are about lip gloss, the Ellen Degenerate Show and celebrity gossip. I salute you).

 

 

Please never decide to leave this planet en mass because you’ve had enough of us. I know we can be retarded sometimes, but we can also be strong, brave, understanding and great at opening pickle jars.

We need each other. Let’s both never forget that Winking smile

Happy Women’s Day.

-ST