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09
Dec
09

Fuckbook – The ins and Outs

By SlickTiger Leave a Comment
Categories: Killer Posts
Tags: , , , , , , ,

So there I was, sitting at my desk wondering what the hell I was going to post today when a co-worker in the cubicle adjacent to me receives an email, but not just any email, an invitation to join Fuckbook.

And suddenly, like a blot of lightning thrown from Zeus himself, I became fucking inspired!

 

The way I see it, Fuckbook is the pinnacle of the social media revolution that has been exploding on the internet over the past few years.

I say this because it is my firm belief that once you strip away all the niceties and all the bullshit that society forces us to engage in, you’d probably find that 80 – 90% of what motivates people to do the things they do (especially people in their 20s and 30s) is sex.

And that’s what Fuckbook offers right? A no bullshit platform for people who just want to have sex without the hassle of having to tip toe around the issue over the course of countless romantic dinner-and-a-movie dates only to find out, after all that effort, that the other person is rubbish in bed or actually just wanted to be your friend (ouch).

So I asked a good buddy of mine, Jasey-got-the-aceys, who is a Fuckbook user to give me the lowdown and he was more than happy to answer some questions.

So here it is folks, cut and pasted right outta MSN – my interview with Jacey-got-the-aceys.

Today’s topic: Fuckbook.

 

SlickTiger says:
Dude, i gotta idea for a killer post based on a conversation we had once
Jasey-got-the-aceys says:
whats that man?
SlickTiger says:
fuckbook
Jasey-got-the-aceys says:
oh sick
SlickTiger says:
but i gotta pick your brains for a bit before i write it, gotta do some research y’know?
Jasey-got-the-aceys says:
cool man
SlickTiger says:
i can use a secret name for you if you like?
Jasey-got-the-aceys says:
Jasey-got-the-aceys is cool
SlickTiger says:
radass!
so lay it on me – step one is you sign up right? and it’s free?
Jasey-got-the-aceys says:
  okay ya you sign up its free, find a hot chick pester her
SlickTiger says:
Um, ok
Jasey-got-the-aceys says:
till she says hello charm her (generally more open over itnernet)
SlickTiger says:
did you sign up under your real name?
Jasey-got-the-aceys says:
ya man
SlickTiger says:
and made a profile like on facebook?
Jasey-got-the-aceys says:
ya man
SlickTiger says:
with a real pic of you or a fake one?
Jasey-got-the-aceys says:
cant remember
SlickTiger says:
ok, so then do you start friending people?
how do you find them?
Jasey-got-the-aceys says:
search the age range you interested in
females and find one with a full body shot
SlickTiger says:
aha! and are a lot of them naked in their profile pics?
Jasey-got-the-aceys says:
lingerie or covering boobs
with hands
SlickTiger says:
the classic shot! ok, so you search for them, find one you dig and send a friend request?
Jasey-got-the-aceys says:
ya, then if you get a reply you know she is keen
SlickTiger says:
then once you’re friends you can see each other’s entire profile?
Jasey-got-the-aceys says:
ya man
SlickTiger says:
ok, so then what?
Jasey-got-the-aceys says:
start chatting about common things
over email
SlickTiger says:
wait, actually, first tell me how many chicks you have fucked so far through fuckbook
just the one?
Jasey-got-the-aceys says:
none but 1 through facebook
SlickTiger says:
howcome?
Jasey-got-the-aceys says:
got over it
forgot about it
SlickTiger says:
were the chicks not so hot?
Jasey-got-the-aceys says:
they were hot just got over it
you can also request different fetishes
ahh been doing some searching around and found out why i gave up
you have to pay
SlickTiger says:
what? the site or the chicks?
Jasey-got-the-aceys says:
the site
SlickTiger says:
aha! so it’s free only up to a point?
Jasey-got-the-aceys says:
ya
SlickTiger says:
ok, so you just dicked around a little, and got bored of it?
Jasey-got-the-aceys says:
exactly
it can still be a rad post,
SlickTiger says:
ok, gimme some dirt man!
Jasey-got-the-aceys says:
is much like the game
except easier
that is counteracted by the amount of psychos out there
so what you have to do is start chatting on a social networking site
then get a mobile number and sms
dont phone this is imperative until you sure they are cool once you have them on the phone you know they will be comfortable around you in person. by this stage you should have got a feel for them, to decide if they a psycho or not
ask them personal questions… the great thing is you have nothing to loose and everything to gain. If you want them to send you an MMS you NEVER send it first
create a meeting place in a crowded place so if they lied to you, you can get out of there
and you will be safe
have the meeting then its like any normal date
but once the deed is done and you not keen on them, delete all known communication with them, block mobile number spam email and send them back into cyber obscurity
If you want to lash this particular internet ho, go ahead and then render her useless into cyber obscurity
how is that?
SlickTiger says:
hm, i think i can use it…
Jasey-got-the-aceys says:
sick
SlickTiger says:
how did you nail facebook chick?
Jasey-got-the-aceys says:
by doing that
i can give you pics if i still have them?
SlickTiger says:
um, not a good idea
the internet’s much smaller than you think, was she a hottie?
Jason says:
ya man she was too tall though
the reason i kicked her to the curb is
she is fucking cooked in her head talks like a child constantly cannot have a grown up conversation and just generally needs to put her head back on the right way around

 

Huh. So there you have it. Questions, anyone? (You can check out my man Jacey-got-the-acey’s blogsite here: http://shavinginthegutter.blogspot.com/)

-ST

30
Nov
09

A post on unrequited love

By SlickTiger 7 Comments
Categories: Killer Posts
Tags: , , , , ,

While I was thinking what to write for today’s post, my mind dug up one of my favourite quotes from one of my favourite authors, Gabriel Garcia Marquez.

The quote’s from one of his novellas called Memories of my Melancholy Whores. I read it about four years ago because my boss at the time bought it at a CNA before we boarded a flight to Cape Town.

 

 

The guy was really fucked up in a lot of ways, but was also a lot of fun. He basically only read books that had some kind of smutty angle and so bought the Marquez book based purely on its title.

We used to work out of a small house in a complex on Grayston Drive in a team of three people, and so I was often left totally alone in the house while my two bosses were out ‘interviewing’ people for the ‘report’ we were working on for an esteemed in-flight magazine.

It took me three or four days to read Memories of my Melancholy Whores, but that novella has had a profound effect on my life.

The story is about a 90 year old man who has only ever slept with whores his whole life. The guy is hung like a mule, but unfortunately is really, really ugly and so finds it impossible to bed normal women.

Obviously as he gets older his appetite for sex decreases and when the novella starts, he hasn’t been with a prozzy for at least a decade.

However, on his 90th birthday he decides to contact his friend, the mistress of his favourite whore house, and ask her a favour. As a birthday present to himself he wants to sleep with a virgin.

Miraculously the old man can still get it up and so, after much debate, the mistress decides to help the old man out and actually finds a 13 year old girl who needs the money desperately and so sets everything up.

Because it’s the girl’s first time, the mistress gives her a powerful kind of sedative to relax her, but gets the dose completely wrong and so when the old man enters the bedroom to deflower his prize, he finds her naked on the bed and fast asleep.

 

 

Watching her lying there like that, something miraculous happens. The old man falls completely in love with her. She looks so innocent and so pure, this young girl poised at the brink of becoming a woman, that he doesn’t even touch her that first night, he just watches her sleeping until it starts becoming light outside, then quietly leaves.

There’s a lot more to the story, but you’ll have to read it to find out the rest and I strongly recommend that you do, but the line that really stuck with me goes like this:

‘The invincible power that has moved the world is unrequited, not happy, love.’

It’s weird that my mind dug up that quote because it’s been years since I last experienced the all-consuming feeling that is unrequited love.

And yet, it’s not something you forget easily. Even as I write this at least three or four girls spring to mind that at different times in my life, I was completely in love with and either too afraid to admit it, or even worse, they knew how I felt and just weren’t that into me.

 

 

The weirdest case was a blonde girl who used to hang out in our circle of friends post-varsity, we’ll call her Jacqui.

I’d met her a few times, I thought she was smoking hot but that was about it. Then this one night at The Doors in Edenvale we were all sitting on the upstairs balcony and the weirdest thing happened.

I was talking about how varsity sets you up nicely for life because of the simple fact that it teaches you how to digest and understand massive amounts of information. It was a really boring topic of conversation, but the next thing I knew sweet, blue-eyed, blonde-haired little Jacqui sprang to life and spent the next 15 minutes passionately agreeing with me.

I have no idea how the fuck she did it, but during those 15 minutes I fell completely in love with her. To this day I still can’t explain it, but I fell for her so hard and fast that I remember standing by the bar moments later, my heart racing, knocking back as much booze as I could stomach to try and calm down and think straight.

Peggles was with me that night and I remember cornering him at one stage and trying to explain what this girl was doing to me while intermittently punching the wall and eating the ice out of my empty drink.

I felt ill. I drank some more. I don’t think I spoke another word to her the whole night but I so badly wanted to. I watched her dancing for a long time, trying desperately to think up some way to approach her, but… how?

I collapsed in bed that night, drunk and alone, but couldn’t sleep and when I eventually did, I swear I dreamed of her.

But the weirdest thing is I saw her about a week later and felt nothing.

I felt nothing. I mean, had she initiated anything, I would have happily reciprocated, but she didn’t and I just got this feeling like even if I made a move, she wouldn’t be interested and so just as quickly as I fell completely in love with her, I fell completely out of love with her.

Most of the girls I’ve fallen for don’t know I fell for them, well, to my knowledge at least and I wouldn’t change that if I could go back and do it all over again.

Even though it tore me up a lot of the time that some of the girls I was into felt rocks for me, I was also keenly aware of the fact that in many cases, love moves in circles ie. the person you’re chasing is chasing someone else who is chasing someone else and so on.

Also, it felt good to move the world.

It’s all part of one system, it’s all energy being transferred from one form into another into another into another. Love is a powerful form of energy and yes, I might have poured a lot of it out there needlessly, but I guess what I want to say is this: it comes back.

-ST

23
Nov
09

Nobody Take Today Seriously

By SlickTiger Leave a Comment
Categories: Killer Posts

Guys, please, for the love of god, nobody take today too seriously.

I have it on high authority that today is just fucking with us, just having a go, deliberately being facetious just to piss us all off, and so I urge you not to take today too seriously.

Here instead are things I think we should rather do today:

1. Take a long walk. Take deep breaths while you’re walking and concentrate on spending more time looking at the sky than looking at the ground. People don’t look up enough, they just look down at the ground and wonder why all their dreams keep dying.

 

 

2. Eat ice cream. When you were a kid you ate ice cream and it always made you feel better. Today you are going to eat some ice cream too, sitting on the sidewalk like you used to, and while you eat that ice cream, think about nothing except eating that ice cream.

 

 

3. Climb a tree. Trees are like huge, ancient dinosaurs. Even their bark is like rough dinosaur skin. Climb the biggest one you can find and hide in there until things get better. You’ll be surprised how quickly this happens.

 

 

4. Float. You can do this in one of two places, or if you’re feeling adventurous, do it in both of these two places: a) A swimming pool b) The bath. When you’re floating pretend you’re a piece of driftwood in a gigantic ocean and you don’t have to worry about anything except floating. If you’re outside, watch for birds while you float. They are constantly flying overhead, but nobody sees them because they never look up (see point 1.)

 

 

5. Sing. Inside everyone at all times there is a song playing whether it’s at the front of your mind or the back. Sing this song as loud as you can, completely tonelessly. Probably don’t do this at the office, but definitely do it while you’re driving home or when you’re in the shower. Actually, fuck it, do it in the office. If at least one person doesn’t smile or join in, quit your job and go work somewhere else.

 

 

6. Hug someone. When you hug someone, anyone, for long enough, things get better. Hug someone today. Warn them beforehand, explain that in a totally non-sexual way, you just need a hug, quite a long one, to feel better. It’s not weird to hug someone you hardly know, it’s a very human thing to do and you’ll probably make the person you’re hugging feel better too.

 

 

7. Remember that there’s a good chance that this is all one big joke. Many sources indicate that we are taking life far too seriously for our own good, and as such, are becoming prone to cancer and heart attacks. Take a minute to step outside of your life completely and zoom out, past the city blocks and suburbs and provinces and country borders and continents and Earth itself. Keep going until our entire solar system is just a tiny spec and ask yourself: Are all my problems still so big? Nope. And you’re suddenly not as important as you thought you were, you’re just a spec of dust, less than that, and that’s pretty cool cause as much as you might think you’re fucking shit up, you aren’t really.

And so that’s my blog post for today, Monday the 23rd of November. I hope you’ve enjoyed it and that you take it to heart and go out there and just be happy, cause yes, life is shitty sometimes, but it’s also the best thing we’ve ever known.

Buy some helium balloons. Let them go.

It’s that easy 🙂

-ST

19
Nov
09

Death By Ayoba!

By SlickTiger 48 Comments
Categories: Killer Posts and Satire, Irony And Vitriol
Tags: , ,

What I dig about South Africa is that every year when summer rolls around, the cell phone network providers all ramp up their advertising and bombard us from all sides with ‘Summer this’ and ‘Summer that’ and shots of mixed racial groups partying on beaches, having the time of their lives.

And all the while, I look at these ad campaigns and think to myself, How come I don’t hang out in mixed racial groups? Why do I only have whites for friends pretty much with the exception of some Indians and one or two peripheral blacks? What the hell is wrong with me? Christ, I’m a racist bastard!

 

 

Then to make matters worse, they choose some random word in a black language I don’t understand and shove it in my face every opportunity they get.

This year it’s ‘Ayoba’ (thanks MTN), I’ve probably read that word about 50 times in the last week alone and there’s still essentially two months of summer holiday advertising to go.

By the end of it all, the word will probably be burned into my retina. I’ll wake up, pouring sweat in the middle of the night, wide-eyed, screaming ‘AYOBA! AYOBA! AAAYYYOOOOOBBBBBAAAAA!’

 

 

I think what gets to me is the fact that they attach all this meaning to a word that they know non-black people won’t understand. Why do they do that? It doesn’t seem like the smartest way to encourage racial unity in SA.

‘Hey guys!’

‘What!’

‘I’ve got a GREAT idea for our new campaign!’

‘YOU’RE INCREDIBLE! Cutmeanotherlineofcocaineandtellusallaboutit!’

‘OK! Check it out! There are WAAAAAAAYYYYY more blacks than whites in this country right?’

‘YA!’

‘Cool! Let’s make an advertising campaign that ONLY black people will understand!’

SCHNARF!

‘THAT’S AMAZING!’

‘Yeah, we’ll create a sense of unity amongst the black community while ostracising the whites and making them feel completely unhip, uncool and sidelined!’

‘FUCK YEAH! BRILLIANT IDEA! STUPID WHITES, SERVES THEM RIGHT! MAKE THEM FEEL MORE GUILTY FOR BEING WHITE, THOSE APARTHEID-ENFORCING BIGOTTED FUCKERS!’

‘HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!’

‘…umm guys…’

‘WHAT?!?’

‘We’re white…’

‘Whatever! Shuttup! MORE COCAINE!’

 

 

To make things worse, you’ll probably find that the meaning of Ayoba is something completely arbitrary.

After I typed that last sentence I did a little Ugoogle-ising and found the following gem posted on the Jacaranda FM website:

“Ayoba – the word for 2010.

The word for excitement, cool,

fun… pride… joy… football… winning!!!”

Fuck, no wonder they chose that word for their campaign, it means EVERYTHING. Wait, it gets better:

“MTN is celebrating summer by adding ‘Ayoba-ness’ to everything it does”

Well that’s just fucking great. Expect to have this word screamed at you from billboards, TVs, newspapers, radios and magazines at FULL volume.

Ayoba! Ayoba! Ayoba!

And all over the country, whites, indians, coloureds, hell even the Chinese, will be scratching their heads in unison, all thinking exactly the same thing, ‘What the fuck does that mean?’

And as is the case with pretty much everything that gets regurgitated into mainstream media these days, the answer is simple.

It means nothing.

The more people that don’t know the meaning of it the better because it means nothing, it’s just a worm dangling off the hook of the happy holiday summer consumer spendasmuchmoneyasyoucan idea that they want you to swallow.

I’ve got a better idea. Here’s my fist. Let’s see you swallow that.

-ST

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