Archive for the 'Good Times' Category



21
Nov
09

If you wanna run cool…

Overhead, the sky hangs thick and black with clouds and lashes the earth intermittently with rain.

Add the fact that for the last four days it’s been severely cold and you don’t exactly have the makings of the best week. Right from the day this dreary weather started I wrote that all I wanted to do was hide under the blankets until it passed and well, today is FINALLY that day.

 

 

And so I’m lying here right now in an old school rowing T-shirt from 2000, listening to Dire Straits while memories from last night bob to the surface of my mind.

I made a break from work at 4 with Nix and she dropped me back at my place because J-Rab had the car. I splashed through the deepening puddles, free for the next 48 hours and somehow the sky that had looked so miserable before changed, and took on a kind of silvery tone, became radiant, and made the afternoon ghostly and the evening full of promise.

Guitar Jon came around after work yesterday and we drank coffee and listened to the new Them Crooked Vultures albums which, as a musician, amateur producer and sound guru, Guitar Jon really liked.

We shot the breeze awhile until The Glaze rocked up in his customary sensible jersey and proceeded to join us for more coffee.

 

 

We rolled two games of Backgammon and I thrashed him like a pro in the first one, but got pipped at the post in the second, losing by two pieces.

I used to do this thing back at varsity where Graum and I would roll a few games of Backgammon before we went out on the town, to test our luck. The games were always fierce and quick and when either of us won, it was by the skin of our teeth.

And while we played, I’d think of the Radiohead song ‘Lucky” (off OK Computer) and the lyrics would echo in my head,

I’m on a roll
I’m on a roll
This time.
But I feel my luck could change.

Over the last two years that I studied in that batshit town, that song became more than a song for me, it became some kind of ancient incantation, something that has always existed through time in some form or another.

A luck song. ‘I feel my luck could change’ – it could get better, it could get worse and the singing of that song would bring about one or the other.

And so I would often belt out the chorous of that song, letting it ring in the empty spaces of the house we lived in, which was the biggest house I’ve ever lived in, our digs in our last year at Grahamstown.

We called it the Zombie Mansion. I was solid, about 150 years old, perfectly square, two huge storues, high ceilings, wooden floors, sort of Cape Dutch looking, but different.

We loved that digs. We partied so hard when we lived in that house, all of us, that we often came out the other side, squinting at the approaching dawn, drunk and happy.

So my two games last night told me 50/50. My luck wasn’t bad, but it sure wasn’t good either. It’s important to know.

 

 

The Glaze had to be somewhere else and left not long after our second game. Guitar and I moved onto cup no. 3 and talked about how he needs to get off his ass and record. For as long as he’s not doing that he’s not living, he’s just killing time and he knows it.

Jenni-fuh also came home and started showering and getting ready for her office year-end party, which was a… wait for it… Mexican theme! They did up a  marquee outside their offices, which Jenni-fuh was a little sceptical about, it sounded a little cheap, but apparently they did it up really, really well and were going to have pinyatas (spelling fail) and Petrone tequila, the whole deal.

J-Rab joined the party soon after, whirling through the door, cold from outside, but happy, with this beautiful smile on her face that lights up the world.

Our POA was to meet up with some friends of J-Rab’s she hasn’t seen in awhile and party somewhere. I called in some backup in the form of the best damn Greek connection I ever made, one of my oldest friends, Stikey, who came out with us, gun’s blazin’.

We met up at Molly Malone’s and I recognised J-Rab’s friends instantly which, in the case of the one, Soph, I wasn’t surprised, but the other, Lu, had a face I recognised, but didn’t. I asked J-Rab if Lu went to Rhodes, but she said no.

Turns out she did though and I instantly remembered where I knew her from. My memories are etched pretty clearly as a general rule, J-Rab is surprised all the time by how I remember things and M-Class, Graum’s girlfriend is too.

Introductions out of the way, we commenced the serious business of partying, celebrating being young and alive and laughing, always laughing.

Conversation was free and easy and it wasn’t long before we were having a killer time. At some stage a camera was produced, with sexy results.

 

 

About half-way through the night, Lu points out this guy and says, ‘Shit, don’t you know that guy, he went to Rhodes, Oliver Becker.’

I stared at Oliver Becker and something sparked off waaaayy at the back of my head.

Yeeaahh… I recognised Oliver Becker.

‘Fuck, his surname’s not ‘Becker’’, I said, watching him from our table.

‘Yes it is!’ said Lu.

‘No, I know that guy. We went to primary school together, I swear his name’s not ‘Becker’. At that Lu approached Oliver X and after a few minutes called me over.

I greeted X and asked him his surname straight up. It wasn’t Becker. Then the following conversation ensued, here’s the truncated version:

‘So, Oliver, your ex is doing really well,’ Lu started, not hiding her intentions whatsoever.

‘I heard,’ X replied.

‘Yeah, she’s looking really gorgeous, stunning, amazing, and she’s SO happy with her new guy, you know they’re getting married soon? Yeah, he’s gorgeous too, Spanish guy, really great guy, she’s really, really happy with him, it’s so exciting, the wedding’s in a month, I can’t wait!’

‘That’s nice,’ X replied, ‘I’m happy for her.’

‘So dude, how’ve you been, what’ve you been up to?’ I asked, trying to save the awkwardness of the conversation thus far.

‘I own a construction company and part of an advertising agency. I just bought a house in Camps Bay and I’m engaged, marrying a pilot, she’s great, I’ve also got my pilot’s license, but not for commercial, I fly helicopters.’

‘Huh,’ I replied. ‘You could set up a great drug cartel with a helicopter, provided you had a safe place to land it.’

‘Hahaha. Exactly. Well, I’ll probably buy my own helicopter soon, I –’

‘Ok, I’m gonna stop you right there and go back and sit down at my table. Good to see you.’

Wanker.

 

 

Turns out he used to rough up his ex, that’s why Lu was so openly hostile in a friendly way, which I guess was exactly how I was after finding out how loaded the guy is.

Money, to me, is something I spend to satiate my basic needs for shelter, food, transport and entertainment, beyond that I don’t place any belief in the idea that having a lot of it leads to happiness or superiority over other people.

Money proves nothing to me except that you have money. If you want to earn my respect show me honesty, integrity, humour, intelligence, don’t show me money.

Some of the very best of people I have met in this life are poor, or live modestly, but not extravagantly and are able to save very little.

We drank and partied until Molly Malone’s cleared out to the dregs and bar flies and this little blonde girl who flitted from one guy to the next, we counted four in total.

Funniest thing was at the end of the night we spotted Numbers One and Two having what looked like a little tiff between them, but really, both were of such an unremarkable appearance and manor, and so used to behaving meek and mild, the argument just turned into a chat after a few minutes and both went their separate ways.

 

 

We made an abortive attempt after Molly’s to go to Billy The Bums (I know, who names these places?!) but stayed for exactly as long as it took to drink a glass of water and left.

J-Rab and I drove back home, slowly through the soft rain and collapsed into bed together, happy and tired and curled up tight to keep warm.

We drifted off to sleep in minutes, unconcerned about the hangover to follow because of the Milk Thistle Liver tablets we swallowed before we passed out.

Dire Straits said it best, ‘If you wanna run cool, you gotta run on heavy fuel.’

If you party hard, eat too, give your body sustenance to help you deal with the booze, eat before you go to sleep, drink shitloads of water, take liver enzymes.

Don’t fuck out. Or else who’s gonna read my blog if not you crazy fuckers?

Hold that thought.

-ST

16
Nov
09

Whisky in the Jar-o: Part 4

By round four we were all of us looking a little shaky on our feet. Lucky for me, this time around I wasn’t going there to work, but rather sample some of the fine whiskies on offer, indulge in the food and not make too much of a nuisance of myself.

But my day didn’t start then, it started about five minutes after my last blog post, when I cracked the first beer of the day open and Jenni-fuh and her buddy (we’ll call her Tard) joined me.

Shortly after, we went to Peggles’ parents place cause it was his oldest brother’s 32nd birthday party. I don’t have a suitable nickname handy for him, so seeing as he fought in one, I’ll call him ‘War’.

 

 

War’s party was awesome. That place, the house is like a touchstone for us all, we’ve partied there so many times that we’ve got it down to an art and Peggles’ dad, Big Red, is possibly the most generous host you will ever find.

He has this deep, commanding voice, the kind that when you hear it you can’t help but listen just because the sound of it is so cool.

We had a good time, all of us, at War’s party. His group of friends are moving into the baby-making phase of life and so there were two tiny human’s at the party, both boys, one was about 3 months old and the other was 18 months.

Those small creatures, they’re pure and clean, they got nothing on their conscious, they’ve done nothing bad, they’ve broken no hearts or laws.

They are in every way imaginable different to me, that’s why I like kids. They remind me of when I was like that, before the myriad of accidents occurred that have left me the way I am.

I’ve always loved the idea of The Catcher In The Rye. I can understand fully why someone would want to be that person, anyone out there who grew up too fast would agree. Problem with growing up too fast is you don’t do it properly and spend a large portion of the rest of your life chasing the childhood you missed out on.

 

 

After War’s thing, I headed back home with Jenni-fuh and Tard. Just before we left, Tard asked me if it was okay if we listened to something other than ‘Hootie and the Blowfish’ on the way back home.

‘Is that the closest band you can think of that sounds like Arctic Monkeys?’ I fired back at her.

‘Oh, I like Arctic Monkeys,’ she replied.

‘But you think they sound like Hootie and the Blowfish? Do you listen to music much?’

And that’s howcome I decided to dub her ‘Tard’ on my blog.

 

 

I showered and changed for Whisky Fest and headed through there for 6 on the nut. It was cool to be able to finally taste the whisky on offer and I did so with gusto.

Afterward, Stikey, Jacey-got-the-aceys and I went to a club called Latinova which, to be honest, was a bit lame and over crowded.

By 12pm / 1pm we called it a night and headed back home.

I collapsed in bed, alone. Across the country my gorgeous girlfriend lay sleeping in a tiny house on the side of a mountain, a hot waterbottle clutched to her chest instead of me.

Something happened earlier that day that is going to change both our lives in quite a drastic way…

And all I can say is it’s about fucking time.

-ST

15
Nov
09

Whisky in the jar-o: Part 3

I stepped into round three last night like a prize fighter.

 

 

I had that deep down achy feeling in my body like I’d been kicked around and socked a few times, but not too badly, just gently, love taps.

There was only one film crew last night and they were friendly and knew what they were doing. In and out, aim the lens right, catch the light as it moves, the shapes in it as easily recognisable as possible, this is not art, it’s news.

By now we’re all old hands at this and to be honest, boredom has set in. If you bring together similar variables, you get similar results. There are of course always anomalies, just to mix it up a little, just to keep things interesting.

Shoes were killing people, backs at the end of the night were sore, and somewhere, always, the scent of whisky in the air.

Best part of it is that I now have a certificate that says I’m a master blender. Richard Patterson himself bestowed the honour on me, he’s the youngest man to ever be made a master distiller. He’s well into his 50s now, but he was 26 when they Master Distiller-ised him.

Anyway, I grabbed a hold of him for an interview and he asked me to join him onstage to blend whiskies for his show. Easy right? Stand there, blend the whiskies in front of you according to his instructions, exit stage left.

Then he asks me to find two OTHER people to join us onstage, a beautiful girl and another guy. We were going on in 15 minutes.

I felt like such a weird, creepy dude approaching random people and trying to drag them onstage for the show. I spoke with 6 girls, they all shot me down, it was a massacre.

 

 

Eventually, thank fuck, I ran into Deep Fried Man and his girlfriend, and cajoled them into help us. Deep is a buddy of mine because are paths seem to cross constantly, and always at times when I need his help in some way.

The only problem was that the closer it got to show-time, the more fidgety Deep got, he was supposed to be writing a story after all for an Esteemed Newspaper Magazine. I knew a guy would be a lot easier to find. I needed a big one, one bigger than me (yes, it’s possible) and approached a 6ft4 chunk of granite I found on the other side of the hall.

 

 

In the worst imaginable way I explained I needed his help to do a show. He stared at me completely expressionless as I spoke and when I’d finished said,

‘What?’

‘I need your help onstage, you’re a big guy, come and blend some whiskies, it’s with a master distiller from Scotland, it’ll be fun.’

The look he gave me after that told me instantly that this wasn’t a ‘fun’ guy AT ALL.

‘No,’ he said, ‘I can’t help you.’

‘Why’s that?’ I asked, though I knew this was fucked, ‘are you shy?’

His head snapped ever so slightly as I said that and his eyes stared like flame throwers at me.

‘I speak in front of people all day,’ he said in a threatening non-threatening way, ‘I don’t want to do it now.’

‘Great, well go and fuck your mother’s arsehole,’ I said and walked away.

The second guy was a lot easier to convince, though he still looked a bit like a cornered animal in a certain light.

‘The light shapes bent and twisted. The light looked different in every place and fell differently on everyone everywhere….’ – Lazarus Journal, p36.

Richard rushed the show though, he was nervous, there weren’t nearly enough people there watching, the festival had only opened an hour before. It was like watching an inferior carbon copy of the opening night’s performance.

 

 

We did our part and mixed the whiskies in front of us on stage to produce three specific blends, the first was a Nicole Kidman, the second was an Arnold Schwarzenegger and the third was supposedly a combination of the two, a Leonardo Di Caprio.

In other words, the first was smooth and sweet, the second was very bold, lots of character, lots of structure and the third one had elements of both.

Patterson chatted away while we blended and when we were done tasted them one by one, starting with the Kidman (‘close, close, getting there’), then the Schwarzenegger (‘ok, some character’) and lastly the Di Caprio (‘good’).

He repeated the tasting, this time judging the Kidman as close, but not quite there, the Schwarzenegger as completely off and the Di Caprio as the closest.

I was a sultan among men. Three people clapped.

So Now I’m a certified Master Distiller. I was invoked and everything, even given a certificate and the sacred Master Distiller Headdress.

 

 

And now Saturday lands and I need to wrap this up because Peggles is coming around.

I love you all.

Buy Them Crooked Vultures, it’s radass.

-ST

13
Nov
09

Whisky In The Jar-o: Part 2

How to make the best out of the FNB Whisky Live Festival ‘09 – a layperson’s guide

So having spent the last two nights at the FNB Whisky Live, running around ‘like a blue arsed chicken’ (as my boss The Irishman would say) with film crews and photographers, I’ve picked up a good couple of tips for people who want to get the most out of their festival experience, so if you’re heading through there, or know people who are, read on! Could change your life… 😉

 

TIP #1 Be cool Daddy-o

I know it goes without saying, but for the less intellectually inept out there, I’ll put this as simply as possible: it’s not beer and it’s not wine, it’s whisky. Sip it slowly.

The festival is big on responsible drinking, so I really can’t stress this point enough, when you taste the different whiskies on offer at the festival, unless you’re a veteran whisky drinker, don’t try and be a hero and slam it down neat to impress the gorgeous booth ladies. They’ve seen it a million times and all you’re likely to elicit is a stifled yawn.

 

 

Add a dash of water to the whiskies you’re tasting. Not only will this prevent you from getting drunker quicker, but it will also open up the flavour of the whisky you’re tasting, thus making it far more accessible whilst ensuring that your palette doesn’t become anaesthetised by the high alcohol content of the whisky.

It’s difficult to really appreciate a complex 18 year old whisky when you can’t really taste anything. If you’re a novice taster, after 4 neat whiskies you might as well be drinking brandy – you wouldn’t be able to taste a difference.

Whisky is about sophistication and class, so be sophisticated and classy, if it’s a drunken of lecherous debauchery you’re looking for, rather drink a bottle of Johnny Blue at Teasers with your pals.

 

TIP #2 Get the lay of the land

More often than not, I’ve watched crowds of visitors at the festival wandering around aimlessly, tasting random whiskies until their tickets run out and then leaving, feeling like they’ve missed out in some way.

They have.

Before you taste any of the whiskies or participate in any of the activities on offer, get the lay of the land. It’s better to arrive at the festival as close to 6pm as possible so you can beat the crowds and get a good idea of what’s where.

Once you have an idea of where everything is, jump in with both feet. The idea behind the festival is to have fun, learn about whisky and interact with the industries top gurus from all over the world.

 

 

If nothing else, by the time you leave the festival you should at least be able to hold your own the next time you’re at a swanky cocktail party and Mr Slick Willy with his snooty attitude starts trying to wax lyrical about what he thinks he knows about whisky.

Take him down. The festival will give you the knowledge to do so.

 

TIP #3 Become acquainted with your palette

You’d be surprised how little you know about your palette when it comes down to it. People who don’t know whisky will say one of two things when you broach the topic of whisky – they’ll either be honest and admit that they don’t like it, or they’ll try and pretend that they do to seem cool and sophisticated, but when you ask them a simple question like which flavours they enjoy in a whisky they’ll feed you a load of utter tripe.

 

 

The simple cure in both situations here is education. To the people who say, flat out, that they don’t like whisky, I’ll say this: the range of different flavours that can be found in whisky is so broad and varied that you can bet your bottom dollar there is a whisky out there for you that will suit your palette, and thus your individual flavour profile so perfectly, you’ll swear it was the best drink you ever tasted.

I have experienced this personally. A year ago I was a Bells Man – I drank it on the rocks because it looked cool and I found the flavour tolerable. If you had asked me the difference between a blend and a single malt back then I would have admitted complete ignorance.

With a little education, what I realised was that I didn’t even like Bells. In fact, for my palette, which is still young, I much prefer a clean, sweet single malt – the fewer citrusy and spicey notes, the better.

For this reason I far prefer Irish whiskeys to Scottish whiskies, they’re smoother, easier on the palette and have less character, so you won’t recoil like you’ve just been shot after you take a sip.

But the golden rule is that everyone’s palette, like your fingerprints, are different. For this reason, do yourself a favour and taste an Irish whiskey, a Scottish whisky, a bourbon and a liqueur.

 

 

This simple exercise will help you a lot when it comes to discerning what flavours you enjoy and will make future tasting experiences a lot more rewarding.

 

TIP #4 Learn to make whisky cocktails

New to this year’s festival is the Schweppes Art of Whisky Cocktail Making Zone, which is being hosted by Kevin, master mixologist from Liquid Chefs who is not only the raddest guy I’ve met so far at the festival, but is also pretty easy on the eyes for the ladies, so guys, make sure you book early cause his cocktail making sessions fill up fast!

 

 

The sessions are free and run at 6:30, 7:45 and 9:00.

Once Kevin’s done with you, you’ll be the envy of all your friends as you mix up killer whisky cocktails that will ensure that for the rest of your life you’ll be the life of EVERY party, ALL the time.

You can thank me later.

 

TIP #5 The sensory zone is a must

At first I thought this sounded a little gimmicky, the idea here is to engage all your senses in a whisky tasting experience in order to help you learn about whisky in general. Sounds like a load of hippy let’s-hold-hand-and-sing-kumbaya bullshit, but it’s actually possibly the best way to learn about whisky at the festival.

Divided into a number of plain white rooms, each with a bar inside serving a different whisky, The Sensory Zone is at the far end of the hall and is well worth visiting.

Each room has a wall on one side, some are velvety to the touch, some are smooth and some are rough. On the opposite wall is a giant image, in one room it’s honey, in another it’s dark chocolate and so on. Near the bar, smelling salts exude different aromas in each room and a different style of music plays in each room.

 

 

All of these elements come together as you taste the whisky in order to illustrate the character of the whisky you’re tasting by engaging all your senses.

It leaves a lasting impression and is a great way to learn about the ‘water of life’

 

TIP #6 EAT

This is when you put food in your mouth, chew 32 times and swallow. Do this at some stage during the night because, like I said, after four or five whiskies, you’re gonna need it.

Word Of Mouth do all the catering for the festival, and in one simple word, their food is delicious – tuck in there!

 

TIP #7 Check out the Macallan Maturation Zone

This is probably something for the more mature patrons of the festival to check out, but could prove interesting to anyone wanting to know the secrets of how whisky get’s it’s flavour and colour.

The workshops are free and there are two per night. The whisky expert who takes the workshops explains the crucial influence that wood has on whisky, which can go a long way to helping you find your perfect whisky.

 

 

For example, I tend to find whiskies that are matured in sherry casks too spicey for my palette, I know this because I have a rudimentary knowledge of the effect wood has on whisky.

And people love me for it.

 

TIP #8 I love chocolate, you love chocolate, eat the chocolate!

Von Geusau Chocolates have a stand at the festival where they pair whisky with chocolate and I can vouch from personal experience that the combination of the two, when done right, it like nothing you’ve ever tasted before.

You take a bite of chocolate, a sip of whisky, swill it around a little and swallow and I shit you not, you’re still tasting different flavours in your mouth nearly a full minute later.

 

 

It’s a must. Guys – learn the whiskies and the chocolates and the next time you throw a party, invite the ladies to have a taste.

Use it / don’t use it 😉

 

TIP #9 If you like one of the whiskies you taste, buy it

Picardi Rebel have a stall at the festival where they’re selling whiskies at discounted prices, it’s the perfect place to pick up a Christmas prezzy or two, then head over to the Classic Malts stand and get it engraved with a personal message – it’s free and adds a really nice personal touch.

 

 

TIP #10 If you’ve had too much, stay the hell off the roads

There are roadblocks tonight by Cornerhouse Pub, on William Nicol, by the Baron on Main, and on Witkoppen all the way up to Sunninghill.

Don’t drive drunk, both Corporate Cabs and Roadtrip are at the festival for a reason. USE THEM! Spending two days in jail, or worse, is no way to spend a weekend.

 

 

Lastly, please come on Saturday, come on Saturday, come on Saturday, comeonsaturdaycomeonsaturdaycomeonsaturdaycomeonsaturdaycomeonsaturdaycomeonsaturday!

Friday is gonna be packed to the rafters and so Saturday has been added this year and will be a much better night to go through to get the most out of the festival.

So there you have it, any questions, come see me after class, otherwise I’ll see you at the festival 🙂

-ST

12
Nov
09

Whisky In The Jar-o – Part 1

The thing about people is that they’ll buy into whatever bullshit you’re selling you if you look and act the part. In fact, you don’t even really have to act the part too much, just look it and you’re 80% of the way there.

Last night was the opening night of the FNB Whisky Live Festival, the biggest consumer whisky festival in the world and there I was missioning around with the photographer we hired to cover the event, looking all important with my executive leather Mastercard branded flip file and two-way radio complete with an ear piece that made me look like some kind of high-level bodyguard.

 

 

The festival was intense and to be honest, I feel like a bus hit me right in the spine. I’m tired, J-Rab had to pry me out of bed with a crowbar this morning, goddamn what I wouldn’t do for another few hours sleep…

And for that reason I don’t really feel like writing anything today. Even these paltry few words have so far taken me an hour to write. I’m going to drink Bioplus, that shit is AMAZING. Yesterday I nailed one of the effervescent tablets and in 10 minutes was feeling like a million bucks, so I nailed another one to try and push it to two million.

Then, suddenly, the universe was an incredible place. Raw energy and electricity was sparking off everything, a rush of happiness washed over me and I started jiggling uncontrollably in my seat.

THIS IS INCREDIBLE! I thought to myself. I MUST TELL EVERYONE ABOUT HOW AMAZING EVERYTHING IS!

 

 

So I tore into Twitter like a piece of loose shrapnel, writing ‘Phwoar! Fuck me running, BioPlus is AWESOME! I’ve only had two tablets AND I FEEL LIKE A MILLION BUCKS!’

Then I froze. I hadn’t Tweeted that as SlickTiger, I’d tweeted it as FNB Whisky Live Festival to 500 odd followers in the whisky-drinking community.

Fucking awesome work right there. DELETE DELETE DELETE DELETE DELETE!

Yeah, so I’m gonna nail another one right now. Don’t be surprised if my next post is written in size 500 font and all it says is BJUYB%*&^(*NGUJHGVFJV%^*&&HKHK<()O!

Later party people, I might get some nice pics from last night to post here, watch this space.

-ST