Them's Fightin' Words

There is no better feeling known to man than the deep-down happiness you experience after two hours on a scorching hot Cape Town beach when the Grenedilla Lolly Guy rocks up.

“GRENEDILLA LOLLIES!” he belts out in his hilariously legit accent, “A LOLLY TO MAKE YOU JOLLY!” And my God! The man’s right! You’ve never tasted a jollier lolly in your life!

In that golden moment when the ice-cold lolly hits your tongue, you basically don’t have a single care in the world. There’s just the sound of the ocean, the feeling of the sun beating down on you and the taste of granadilla heaven in your mouth.

I’ve watched people go into full on lolly-induced paroxysms of sheer ecstasy when they’re only three licks in. By five, every muscle in their body has become inert as they lie there deliriously licking their lollies.

The GRENEDILLA LOLLY rates right up there with biltong, boerewors and koeksusters as one of South Africa’s most ingenious culinary delights. The catch is, you have to be on the beach in the sweltering hot sun to experience the full power of The Lolly.

The Grenedilla Lolly Guy knows this. I mean Christ, he’s no idiot. He knows he’s got what marketers call a “captive audience” because let’s face it, you’re not going to get up and go try find a GRENEDILLA LOLLY anywhere else right? That would totally defeat the point!

So sure, he’s definitely going to mark up his product by at least 200%, he’d be an idiot not to. The poor guy’s got a family to feed and lugging that cooler box up and down a scorching hot beach all day can’t be fun.

The going rate for a GRENEDILLA LOLLY on most beaches in Cape Town is roughly fifteen South African Ront and has been for some time.

This is literally the only money I’ll take to the beach. Thirty Ront. Fifteen for me, fifteen for the missus, 2x GRENEDILLA LOLLIES when we’re so hot it feels like our blood is about to boil and Bob’s your motherflippin uncle! We’re in Lolly Heaven and life couldn’t be better.

So imagine my total outrage and utter despair last Sunday on finding that the GRENEDILLA LOLLY price has increased by no less than 33.33333%!

That’s right! The next time you’re on your favourite capetonian beach, don’t be surprised if you get fleeced for no less than TWENTY FLIPPIN RONT for a GRENEDILLA LOLLY.

“Is this some kind of sick joke?!” I asked The Grenedilla Lolly Guy indignantly, “I was literally here two weeks ago and it was fifteen ront a lolly, what the hell is going on?!”

“Ag you know man,” he replied, “petrol price is going up…”

“What the hell does the petrol price have to do with grenedilla lollies!?” I shot back, furious, “that makes absolutely no sense, I demand a fifteen ront lolly or we’re leaving!”

“Sorry Captain,” he said in his infuriatingly jolly way, “it’s twenty rend a lolly now Captain.”

“And that’s supposed to make me jolly?!”

“Yes Captain. A lolly to make you jolly.”

“Fine. Whatever. Have you got change for a hundred…?”

I was flippin ripped off I tell you! And the size of the lolly! Half the size of the lollies they were selling on that exact beach one year ago!

I swear next time I’m taking my own grenedilla lollies. I’ll make myself jolly from now on thank you very much.

Forty ront for two flippin grenedilla lollies, bloody country’s falling apart.

And they wonder why everyone’s moving to Australia. I’ll bet their grenedilla lollies are half the price and three times the size of ours.

-ST