Them's Fightin' Words

Like I mentioned in my last post, over the long weekend we hired all 4 Alien Movies, watched them pretty much back to back and came away from that experience with some profound insights.

I mean, when you stop and think about it, have YOU seen all 4 Alien movies? And if you have you hardly remember them right? Mmmyes, that’s what I thought…

It wasn’t easy tracking them all down, that’s the first thing you need to know. Aliens, Alien 3 and Alien Resurrection are widely regarded by movie critics the world over as being ok, shit and godawful respectively, so most video stores only have the first one.

If you live in CT, DVD Nouveau was the only store that had all 4, so bank that if you wanna watch them like we did, but you probably won’t because the next thing you’re about to read is The Tiger’s List Of 7 Things The Alien Films Taught Me:

 

 

1. Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) is the hardest woman known to man

Not only does she survive three separate alien attacks, but after she voluntarily swan dives backwards into a gigantic furnace to prevent an alien queen from bursting out of her at the end of the third movie, they bring her back from the dead by cloning her in Alien Resurrection so she can create and kill another shipload of aliens.

2. Numero cuatro es el mejor!

The first one is a classic. The second one is cheesy, the third one is vacuous, but for me Alien Resurrection was the best. Movie critics be damned, the fourth one is the only movie that hasn’t aged, doesn’t take itself too seriously, introduces new and significant plot twists and kicks more ass than the other three combined.

3. Ron Perlman can only play two characters: Hellboy and a jerk

I’ve seen him play a jerk many times, but his portrayal of the jerk “Johner” in Alien Resurrection is what finally made me realise how amazingly jerky his jerk-based acting style actually is.

 

 

4. Robots are evil. No wait, they’re good. No wait, KILL THEM ALL

The robot Ash in the first Alien movie is a total asshole who loses his shit, rolls up a magazine and forces it into Ripley’s mouth in an attempt to somehow kill her (?), making him a very bad robot indeed. Fifty-seven years later, robots are rad (“Bishop”, the robot in Aliens actually saves the day) but fast forward 200 years and robots are whiny, emotionally insecure and constantly questioning the validity of their existence. Needless to say, choosing Winona Ryder to play that role was nothing short of genius.

5. Somewhere between Prometheus and Alien, technology regresses back to DOS

The “technology” in the original Alien movie (which was released in 1979) looks like it was salvaged from a plane in the mid 60s. You interact with it by typing questions onto a black screen with green writing. Would you trust technology like that to keep you safe in space? That shit was scarier than the alien!

 

 

6. For the love of God, you cannot use aliens as weapons!

Alien = let’s send a towing ship to this creepy planet to bring back some aliens for us to study on the off chance that we can use the aliens as weapons. Don’t tell anyone. Aliens = let’s send Ripley to the planet the aliens came from because we colonised it to try and study the aliens on the off chance that we can use them as weapons and now everyone’s dead. Don’t tell anyone. Alien 3 = let’s go on a 5 week drinking binge and try make a movie. Alien Resurrection = let’s just not even lie about it this time – clone Ripley, cut the alien queen out of her, get it to lay eggs so that we can make as many aliens as possible and study them on the off chance that we can use them as weapons because you know, things will be different this time…

7. Airlocks are your friend

End of Alien Ripley survives thanks to bum luck and a handy airlock that she opens and schloomf! Sucks the alien into space. End of Aliens Ripley survives thanks to bum luck, being a bit of a badass and a handy airlock that she opens, thus schloomfing the alien queen out into space. End of Alien 3 Ripley dies, possibly because there were no airlocks in sight. End of Alien Resurrection Ripley uses her ACID BLOOD to burn a hole through a glass porthole behind the human / alien monster, thus creating a vacuum that sucks the creature out into space similar to, you guessed it, a vacuum cleaner.

Needless to say, watching all those movies just made me all the more excited to see Prometheus. Watching those movies and THIS trailer:

 

 

June couldn’t come faster 😉

-ST