Them's Fightin' Words

At roughly 18h20 on Sunday evening my right ear decided to close for business.

I knew this because all of a sudden all of my internal sounds (ie. breathing, swallowing, my heart beating, etc.) became at least 10 times louder than they usually are.

My first instinct was to grab an ear bud and start ramming it unceremoniously into my ear to try and dislodge what felt like an entire boulder of waxy gunk.

So I jammed an ear bud as far as it would go and listened intently to the squelching sounds that followed before examining the ear bud to confirm my worst suspicions – something had died in there. Something… UNGODLY!

“Hey babe, what you up to?” J-Rab chimed, sneaking up behind me.

“NO! DON’T LOOK AT ME! DON-”

“Don’t look at wh- HOLYSHITWHATTHEFUCKISTHAT?!”

“IT’S NOTHING! WALK AWAY! WALK AWAAAYYYY!“

“DID THAT COME OUT OF YOUR FUCKING EAR?!”

“Babe, please, let’s just pretend this never happened ok? Everything’s going to be ok, let’s just carry on with our lives and pre-“

“Jesus Slick, clean your fucking ears man, gross!”

“I do clean my ears! …most of the time! But some water must have gotten stuck in there or something and now my ear’s going fucking haywire, it’s like fucking Madame Tussaud’s in there, you gotta fucking help me! You gotta syringe my ear!”

“I don’t have a syringe!”

“Can’t you get one from work?”

“I’ll only be able to get one tomorrow, can you wait that long?”

“I guess I’ll have to…” I said.

Fast forward to last night and what does J-Rab come home with?

Ear candles. How fucking cool is that? Hollow candles you put in your ear that magically soften all the wax in your ear canal and suck it out.

So yeah, then this happened…

I’d heard of ear candles before – a buddy of mine had told me he used one once and it was the most intense, amazing thing he had ever felt.

“It’s like you hear the weirdest shit man! I can’t even explain it and then BAM! The candle sucks everything out of your ear, every last little bit of wax and you can hear again y’know? But I mean, really hear every fucking sound like you’ve never heard them before. Everyone should do it at least once in their life.”

So I did it. And absolutely nothing happened.

I mean, I did hear a few cool sounds and thought it might be working, but I burned two candles down in the same ear and they didn’t suck up a goddamned thing.

Luckily J-Rab had managed to get a syringe from work (she’s a vet nurse) which we filled with hot water so we could blast the shit out of my ear canal.

The first two times nothing happened and then, in a violent explosion of hot water and ear gunk, every last smidgen of ear wax my left ear ever produced came loose in one go.

In nearly 28 years on this planet, that definitely rates right up there in terms of the most satisfying things I’ve ever felt.

Suddenly I could hear again! Everything was clear as a goddamn bell!

But wow… the bathtub where the gunk all landed… I took a picture but I’m scared if I post it every girl who reads this site, and a lot of the guys too, will run screaming, never to return.

So here’s a cute puppy instead:

Kids, always clean your fucking ears because finding out just how much gunk one ear can produce is not a fun way to spend an evening.

Don’t say I didn’t warn ya.

-ST