Archive for October, 2010



11
Oct
10

The Beauty Of Taking A Number Of Heavy Blows To The Head

Is that you find cartoons like this one really, really funny.

I can’t even explain to you why I think this cartoon is hilarious, but it made me burst out laughing at the cubicle farm a few weeks back, which usually only happens when I entertain crazy-assed ideas like going to client meetings naked or seeing how much I can secretly drink under my desk before someone asks why I’m standing on the boardroom table, belting out “We Are The Champions” in my Tiger Scants.

 

 

And I guess that’s the lesson here kids. If you damage your brain enough, well, Christ, you could find pretty much anything funny.

[Roll credits]

-ST

10
Oct
10

Rocking The Daisies – A Photo Journey

“Sarah?”

“Yes, hi…?”

“Hi, we’ve just arrived so um, where can I pick up my ticket?”

“Come meet us at the Nokia tent, we’ve managed to get you media accreditation, so you just need to head over to the tent and we’ll meet you there.”

“Ok, cool. But, um, how do I get in?”

“What…?”

“I mean, do they have my name at the gate or something?”

“No, your ticket was –“

“In the mail Olga sent me? Yeah, I printed it out but left it on my desk, total fuck-up.”

“Ohh… kaaayy…”

“Can we make some kind of plan?”

And BAM, there we were, 20 minutes later with Sarah slipping me a media band and me walking through the glass-Nazi security check-point and straight into Rocking The Daisies at around 12 midday on the sunniest Saturday you ever did see.

 

 

Thank you Nokia, seriously. You guys are the shit – bailing me out when I forgot to take my ticket with, fuck yeah. You guys made my festival possible.

As for the festival itself, fahk, where do I start? I was seriously impressed.

From the outset, I could see we were dealing with a different kind of festival, one where they take care of the details. It was everything from guys with wheelbarrows helping you lug your shit around, to the heavy emphasis on environmental friendliness and recycling and even something as simple as the exclusive loos (we never used any, but I’m sure they were a huge relief to people who didn’t want to face the possibility of opening a porta-loo door and finding… AN ANACONDA!).

We set up our tent in an area that soon became overrun with shirtless charnas, about 6 or 7  in total, who had the most hilarious collection of crusty old tents J-Rab and I had ever seen. They were actually pretty funny fuckers, but J-Rab and I didn’t really hang around much after we’d set up camp, it was like a sauna in our tent, the kind of day where the horizon shimmers and all you want to do is find a giant body of water and float in it with a bottle of cold beer.

We hopped from one island of shade to the next, people-watching and sipping on the waterbottle full of ice-cold vodka and lime we snuck into the main arena.

 

 

We caught a few New Holland tracks which I remember thinking sounded pretty cool, but we didn’t stay for long enough for me to give them a decent write-up. We were more focussed on beer at this stage, that and tracking down the Captain Morgan people who were filling up our now-empty “water-bottle” with free premixed Captain and coke.

I remember swimming in the dam.

 

 

I remember J-Rab and me heading back to our campsite, dragging our mattress out the tent and under the shade-cloth the charnas had set up, staring at a blue, blue sky. Giant love affair…

 

 

We drank a lot of beer just lying there and ended up napping in the sun before heading back to the mainstage later that evening to catch Boo! who played a killer set.

Chris Chameleon’s vocals were clear as a bell, and, dressed like the Wicked Witch of the West, he rocked out onstage with a mike headset while banging out the basslines to songs like “Lucky” and “Champion” and getting the crowd jumping and rocking out.

Ampie was his usual, clownish self, thanking everyone like a kid in a highschool who’s buddies have all showed up to the garage gig he’s hooked up because his parents are away.

Him and Chameleon still have the same, infectious chemistry they always did, but Ampie did seem to be struggling to hold some notes on the trumpet and looked a little flustered sometimes. They’re not the 20-something punks they were when they first started, but they did an impressive job of rocking out like they were.

 

 

As for the Nudies, it was an interesting set.

They played all the Nude Girls’ classics like “Blue Eyes”, “Giant Love Affair”, “What Would You Say?” and the ever-popular grunge / alternative rock anthem “Bubblegum On My Boots” and for the most part, they almost sounded like the ground-breaking, energetic and charismatic SA rock band they were back in the late nineties.

Theo rocked out like a metal stalwart. He looks meaner than I remember him, meatier, like a man who’s seen and done a lot because, well, he is.

Arno looks like an only slightly aged carbon copy of his younger self. He looks like he’s taken pretty good care of himself, must be the Top Billing-type lifestyle he’s been living for the last 8-odd years.

As for his vocals, they were hit and miss. The man’s got a great scream, he always has, and when he unleashes it the earth itself shakes and it’s still as spine-shivering now as it ever was.

But it sounded like he missed more than a couple of queues and at times was missing notes completely, but I think people forget, especially South African audiences, is when you pay to see a band play live, you pay to watch their mistakes as much as you pay to hear the moments when everything comes together, the band explodes with energy and the crowd absorbs that explosion, amplifies it and feeds it straight back.

 

 

MASSIVE FAIL for bringing Jeannie D onstage while the band sung “Jeanie” though, that was a gag-inducing moment if I ever saw one.

The dfnniest part was right at the end when they invited ‘Sailor Jim” to join them onstage.

“Sailor Jim” wore a sailing hat and some kind of brown coat (if I remember correctly…?) and was a podgey, happy-looking kind of chap.

“Who’s that?” I remember J-Rab asking.

“Why, I have no idea… but judging by the hat, I’d say this is Sailor Jim.”

It was only ten minutes later, when he took his hat off, that I realised it was Ard from Just Jinja.

If I could have done anything different, it would have been to stay for Taxi Violence after the Nudies, but in truth my skull felt like it was going to split open at that stage, and we had no painkillers.

We passed out listening to the drunken revelry of the campers around us and their hilarious stories about running into barbed wire fences and finding strangers passed out in their tents.

There’s a lesson here kids, if you’re rocking a music festival, take a LOCK.

The next day this apocalyptic wind was blowing the walls of our tent in and out like a sails. We poked our heads out to see hordes of people packing up their tents while the sky got blacker and blacker and the wind blew all their trash around.

 

 

We stayed to check out Checked Zebra who were really good. Imagine Chili Peppers meets Boo! meets a punk / ska band (maybe like Sublime) and you get Checked Zebra.

 

 

We would have rocked out to their whole set, but the wind was blowing so hard it felt like we were in a cyclone, so we eventually headed back to camp, packed up and headed home.

 

 

The best part of any festival is the first shower you have back at home and the afternoon nap that inevitably follows.

You drift off to sleep, thankful for the little things in life like clean linen and a comfortable bed, and don’t surface until you’ve nailed at least a solid 2 hours, warm and safe while the clouds gather and rain down on the roof above you and the wind whips tree branches and kicks up clouds of swirling dust devils outside.

Rocking The Daisies was an amazing festival. A special mention goes to the guys handling the AV for the main stage gigs on the Saturday night. The camera work and visuals were professionally executed and looked pretty fucking amazing.

 

 

Next year I’ll definitely try get their on the Friday though, it all went by too damn fast.

You gotta do the whole hog if you want to truly experience a festival, next time I’m taking the leave and doing shit right, going with a huge group of friends, packing a LOT of tequila and possibly even hanging out with the bands.

Sky’s the limit I tell ya 😉

-ST

09
Oct
10

Congratulations!

You’ve found a secret post!

 

 

-ST

08
Oct
10

Rocking The Daisies: Prelude

The National plays while we pack. Tomorrow’s an early start before the madness begins.

We’ve got everything covered. The fine balance between taking too much shit and taking too little.

J-Rab sits curled in the couch opposite me, looking through the pictures on her phone while I bang this out, , both of us tired from a long week and looking forward to that sublime moment when we hit the lights, curl up and sleep like the dead.

In the beaches of our dreams, the days are always sunny and clear and the water’s always fine. We meet there sometimes and watch tropical birds fly overhead and listen to the lazy sound of the ocean lapping the shore.

Good times 😉

 

-ST

07
Oct
10

A Text-Book “Red October” Post – WITH PUPPIES!

On the internet, repetition is king. Don’t think just because you’re a sometimes-funny fucker who got through to the finals of the SA Blog Awards and then dropped trou and showed everyone his Tiger Scants that people actually read your shit.

So to reiterate – last year, when I first started this fucking junkyard site, I posted everyday for the month of October and turned every day on the calendar you see on your right (scroll down a little… theeeeeerrreeee you go) red with posts.

This year I’m trying to do the same, but as I stated in the post I put up on the 1st, that means that some posts will be kak.

This post is kak. Make no mistake. I’m about to go taste some fine whisky at 15 On Orange so I know for a fact that I won’t be posting later tonight.

So, as a peace offering, here are cute pictures of the puppies we are currently raising. Keep a special eye out for Rocko, the fucking raddest little guy the world has ever known.

Also, send this around to all your friends, especially the girl ones, as proof that as long as you have cute animals (or porn) on your site, nobody gives a rat’s ass about what you write.

Lemon curry.

 

 

 

Ok, now I’m going to have to issue a disclaimer. What you are about to see is Rocko. He’s the coolest fucking dog ON THIS PLANET, so just take a few moments to accept that fact and prepare yourself for what you’re about to see or your head might explode with awesome.

 

 

And that. Is that.

Until tomorrow.

-ST

06
Oct
10

Album Review: Linkin Park – A Thousand Suns

When they came out of nowhere, guns blazin’ back in 2000 with their killer debut album Hybrid Theory, Linkin Park broke so much new ground in the rap/nu metal genre that even the most hardened music critics couldn’t help but admit the boys from Cali were packing the musical equivalent of a hand full of aces.

Hybrid Theory was stacked full of powerful, catchy riffs and hooks, which were perfectly accentuated by the irrepressible anger of front man Chester Bennington’s shredded vocals and Mike Shinoda’s excellently written rhymes.

 

 

Now, nearly a decade later Linkin Park have released their fourth offering, A Thousand Suns, and sadly it’s even less appealing than 2007’s Minutes To Midnight, which pretty much makes it the band’s worst album to date. When a band opens an album with not one, but two tracks that are largely just a collection of different noises overlaid with a spattering of vocals and a 50-second sound bite, you know right then and there that they’re running out of ideas.

Read the whole enchilada here…

-ST

05
Oct
10

Quick, Everyone! In The Crate!

My favourite moment as a blogger is when people ask me what other blogs I read.

“What?!” I invariably reply, “there are other blogs on the internet?! Holy shit, no! I don’t read that garbage, it’s bad enough that I write one, why the hell would I want to read someone elses?”

But the sad truth is that I too get miserably bored at work sometimes and find myself gravitating toward other blog sites, mostly just to affirm the fact that I am pretty much the Anti-Christ of South African bloggers and probably always will be.

 

 

Shaun Oakes has his moments too though – that whole Marine Taxis debacle that went down a few weeks back? Hilarious! And brilliantly handled too, made me wish some crazy old bat would bless this site with her incoherent, hate-fuelled ramblings. A guy can only hope…

And so I stumbled on his post about some Smirnoff hamper he was giving away on his site for this new thing Smirnoff is doing where they are going to put South Africa’s nightlife in a crate and ship it to some random country overseas.

Then they open it in the middle of a huge party with hundreds of people gathered there and BAM! Out jump The Parlotones!

 

 

Hahaha! Sorry, couldn’t resist 😉

No, they open the crate and BAM! Out jumps something, or at least a whole bunch of somethings that people have voted into the crate on Facebook.

The final say as to what exactly goes into the crate is decided by DJ Euphonic and DJ Fresh which totally defeats the object if you ask me because with stand-up guys like that calling the shots, there’s no way any crazy shit’s gonna get in there.

And, as anyone who’s truly experienced it can attest, SA nightlife is ALL about the crazy shit.

Me, I’d put David Kramer in there, no question about it.

 

 

Imagine everyone’s surprise when ol’ Dawie jumps out on the other side, banging out “The Royal Hotel” or “Biscuits And Biltong” on his guitar to a totally bewildered crowd of snooty, too-cool-for-school partygoers who have probably never once in their lives sat around a blazing fire with their buddies talking shit and listening to Mr Kramer’s classic ballads intermingled with the distant sounds of lions banging somewhere.

I think it’s a cute idea and all but I just don’t think what comes out of our crate on the other side is really going to blow anyone’s mind – does that make me a cynical basterd?

All we can hope, hope and pray, hope, pray and dream is that we get Columbia’s crate.

Now THAT’S a party I’d give a toe to be at, hooooooooooooooooo-weeeeeeeeeeeeee!

But seriously, am I the only one who thinks a crate packed full of Vuvuzelas, boerie rolls and Freshly Ground is a sure-fire recipe for a distinctly average night out?

-ST

04
Oct
10

Bubblegum On My Boots

Hahaha! I just read the fucking weirdest comment I think’s ever been posted on this site. Christ, I love the internet.

I found this one pending approval on my “About” page. I trashed the comment, but copy / pasted the text and decided to give it a post of its very own.

This one works on a couple of different levels but at face value, what we have here are some intensely passionate bubblegum Steri supporters enlisting the help of the Tiger.

 

 

Sit down for this one ok? I don’t want you surfing the internet standing up while you read this.

Are ya ready kids?

 

Dear SlickTiger

You may have heard of the Steri Flavour war that is breaking out right here in the beloved mother city. Cape Town Girl has been inundated with requests to ambassador for unofficial flavour fan clubs; we’re HUGE fans of Bubblegum and are looking for a blogger who is the epitome of what we’re all about.

Beware that Tashtober and Movember are upon us and that REAL South African boytjies, are out there cultivating some of the most hairy lip slugs ever witnesses by mankind, some so manly that would leave MacGyver feeling hopelessly inadequate. There is something magnificent about Bubblegum Steri Stumpie in the manner that it leaves a luminescent blue stain on your tongue. If you’ve been blessed with the god given talent to nurture a prodigious set of handlebars, taking a swig of the Blue Milk Magic will leave you with a mystical blue shaded tash.

You’re probably sitting down, wondering “why the fuck should I endorse some unofficial fan club for some arbitrary Steri Stumpie flavour in a war that will probably never reach my doorstep?” We can say only this, bubblegum is an underdog, we believe that we should be measured, not by the size of  12x5cm plastic container, but rather by the power of its contents to leave a sticky residue on your fur loaded upper lip. Bertrand Russell, a famous war dude, once said, “War does not determine who is right – only who is left”. Given the obvious stickiness of Bubblegum flavoured milk you will realise that long after the flavour of last nights shwarma feast has faded, the scent of a loving long street lady has paled after a morning shower, the blue stain will remain, unfaltering, everlasting reminder of your loyalty to the greatest flavoured milk to walk this crazy-ass planet of ours.

The unofficial official bubblegum steri stumpie fan club are massive fans of SlickTiger and love spending their free time reading his ludicrous blog posts, the madder the better.  Will you join us in a crusade to get people to Save the Flavour with Bubblegum Steri Stumpie?

Hugs and Kisses
The Bubblegum Flavour Savers
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Save-the-Flavour/138205386225707?ref=ts

 

A wise old man once said to me, there are two reasons why anyone does anything in this life.

The good reason.

And the real reason.

 

 

The good reason always comes first, it’s the worm on the hook, coated in a thick, slimey sheen of gooey, ego-massaging goodness. Nomnomnom…

Then comes the real reason, hard and barbed. In this case I happen to know the real reason why The Bubblegum Flavour Savers are contacting me and it’s pretty innocuous all in all, so fuck it.

If it’s help you want, it’s help you got. You guys want a platform that speaks to some crazy basterds, you got one.

There’s just one small catch…

I’m gonna need your souls. Just sign a piece of paper that says “I [insert full name that appears on birth certificate] hereby give my soul to SlickTiger for ever and ever. Amen. [Signature must follow]”.

I don’t think it’s much to ask for really. Paper and ink boys, that’s all it is. Hand over 1 x soul for each of the founding members of The Bubblegum Flavour Savers and let’s get you charnas (in)famous!

Bada bing, bada bang! 😉

-ST

03
Oct
10

What It’s Like To Be Six

If you want to remember what it’s like to be six, you gotta wait for a really, really hot day, then you gotta buy a giant softserve (with a flake inside), dip it in chocolate and eat it sitting right by the beach.

Then, if you’ve done that right, this should happen.

 

 

Now what you’re dealing with is a race against time. Things get frantic. You want to eat the ice cream, all of it, as much as possible before it all ends up dribbling away.

Then you hit the cone and you have a different problem altogether.

The serviette starts turning gooey and becomes impossible to remove from the cone.

See Exhibit A.

 

 

So naturally you get a little panicky, you get a little fidgety, you start picking the paper off quick as you can, people are staring, some douche keeps taking pictures of you with his phone, you try go a little quicker, you turn the cone round and round and round in your hands, unravelling the soggy serviette, trying to get that stubborn bastard off and the next thing you know…

 

 

Hey presto.

You’re six years old again 😉

-ST

02
Oct
10

Post on a Saturday

The only people madder than me in this world are my family.

Here is a picture of my cousin, Captain Albatross, spraying the hosepipe at his kids who are standing on a trampoline, holding an unbrella.

Good times 🙂

 

 

-ST